Alien Apocalypse (DVD)

Bruce Campbell describes this Sci-Fi Channel original as “Spartacus. With aliens.” He must have a sense of humor — why else would he have taken on this thankless role? My guess is because Alien Apocalypse was co-written by his longtime friends and associates, Rob Tapert and Josh Becker. (The latter also directed.)

Alien Apocalypse starts off with a small group of astronauts who’ve recently returned to Earth from a 40-year, non-ageing journey in space. As they wander through the desert wasteland that was once Oregon in their pristine white uniforms, they inform us of their back story through the use of unnatural, stating-the-obvious dialogue to each other: “We’ve been in space on a mission for 40 years…” “I am a doctor…” and so on.

Campbell plays a philosophizing, wisecracking, kick-ass character named Dr. Ivan Hood, and he does it well. But it’s a cakewalk for him and he doesn’t go beyond going through the motions. I’m a fan (actually, The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. is my fave), so I don’t give Campbell a negative review lightly — but he’s only barely passable here.

Worse by far are his costars (whom I’ll spare naming) and the glorified extras who play villainous slave traders in the brave new world where ant-looking termites have taken Earth and its forests over. Ala Planet of the Apes, humans are now cowering slaves and the intelligent beasts are in control of everything and hurling mankind’s progresses back into the Dark Ages. (I never understood — if our oppressors in these movies are so smart, why can’t they figure out how to use electricity?)

Needless to say, the astronauts are captured by the alien invaders (there seem to only be about six of them, who’re running the entire state) and put to work loading lumber. When they’re not toiling their days away, the prisoners spend their nights huddled in a cave fighting over drops of gruel. Eventually the doctor gets away and finds a cache of other escapees hiding from the baddies… about one mile away from the slave camp. He rouses them (here comes the Spartacus connection) into revolt and the earthlings raise up against the extraterrestrials.

One must wonder how these creatures even evolved. “I guess their planet don’t have no wood,” ventures one toothless old cuss, as a way of explaining why they’re here. If there is no wood on the ant planet, then why do they crave it now? (Perhaps he meant to say, “No wood left” but the budget didn’t allow for the extra 1/8 second.) As pure schlock, the ant/termites aren’t half-bad — some of them are practical figures and some of them are CGI. Their movement is adequately insect-like, and their green-goo blood is satisfyingly copious. They can even read a script! What more do you want?

OK. So you might want more. I did. I found Alien Apocalypse lacking on almost every front. This one is strictly for more diehard Bruce Campbell fans than I.

The DVD features a spiritless commentary by Campbell and Becker (who says of the actor playing the President of the United States, “He was so bad we had to cut his dialogue down,” but doesn’t explain how everyone else’s dialogue made it in) and a mercifully short Making-Of featurette.

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Reviewed by Staci Layne Wilson