Review of "Alien Vs. Predator" (2004)

In 1979, director Ridley Scott's dark sci-fi epic Alien introduced the world to the queen "bitch". The alien liked to show off its pearly whites and pop out of chests. In 1987 director John McTiernan unleashed another creature from outer space, the Predator. The dread-locked predator enjoyed pulling disappearing acts and skewering men alive. Now, for the first time, the two baddies are facing off in Alien Vs. Predator (or AVP, as Fox likes to call it).

The writer-director of AVP is Paul W.S. Anderson, a filmmaker who has previously offered up popcorn flicks such as Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon, Soldier, and Resident Evil. Of those four movies, I've only liked Resident Evil -- still, I held out hopes for AVP as I am fan of both franchises and enjoy a good horror/sci-fi flick no matter what the origin.

This prequel adventure begins when ultra-wealthy industrialist Charles Bishop Weyland (Lance Henriksen, who played the android Bishop in Aliens 2 and 3) gathers an international team of archaeologists and scientists, including environmentalist and cold weather expert Alexa Woods (Sanaa Lathan), to investigate a mysterious "hot zone" emanating from deep beneath the ice of Antarctica. They discover an underground pyramid emblazoned with a mixture of Aztec, Egyptian and Cambodian symbols and harboring a matrix of chambers so technologically advanced that it can only be extraterrestrial -- and sure enough, it is. And sure enough, the E.T.'s ain't friendly.

The intrepid team has unwittingly awakened an alien queen from her slumber, and she starts laying eggs to make up for lost time. Inside each egg is a toxic face-hugger just waiting for the chance to become a deadly chest-burster (this process is sped way up from the original Alien films, tailor-made for today's shorter attention spans). We soon learn that the aliens are the captives of the predators, used as opponents in coming-of-age fight rituals. Borrowing a cue from the Cube movies, the underground labyrinth starts reconfiguring itself, suddenly shutting off passageways that were once open. The crew is trapped, with no escape from two lethal races hell-bent on destroying them and each other.

AVP is a pretty movie to look at with its grandiose sets and top notch creature FX (though diehard fans may not like the modifications made to the ruthless killing machines), but it's a lot like Anderson's previous works in that it's all facade and no foundation. AVP has the glossy horror/sci-fi wrapping paper, but the gift inside is the cinematic equivalent of a Chia Pet: Fun for awhile, until you learn that it never grows beyond a sprout or two.

Both original franchises were R-rated and more geared toward adult tastes. In this case, the movie is watered down to a family-friendly PG-13; the fight sequences between the aliens and predators are updated to cater to an audience weaned on The Matrix and WWF smack-downs; and the deaths are mostly bloodless. While there's no denying AVP looks pretty cool, it's never once thrilling or scary.

To paraphrase Fox's tagline: No matter who wins, we horror fans lose. AVP might be a waste of time on the big screen for most bloodthirsty moviegoers, but I do believe it will play better on DVD (and hopefully there will even be a more edgy and brutal R-rated version to gratify the old school devotees).

Review by Staci Layne Wilson for Horror.com