The Cook (DVD)

Kill'n grill. Snuff 'n stuff. Flay'n sauté. I could go on. I'm a wellspring of corny quips. But even I can't compete with The Cook — he's got more recipes than Gordon Ramsey and the Galloping Gourmet combined.

Reminiscent of "The Photographer" (German, cold, cunning) in Murder Set-Pieces, The Cook (Mark Hengst), is an assembly-line style serial killer who brutally and calculatingly kills woman after woman after woman without turning a hair. While The Photographer was cruel to his current quarry, The Cook takes pleasure in being secretly sadistic to his upcoming victims.

He's just been hired as a chef at a big sorority house, and his first assignment is to feed a small group of scholars who've decided to stay behind over the holiday break. Most of the student body is gone, as well as staff… leaving the ladies alone with the handsome, frosty-blonde mystery man who doesn't speak any English.

These "Delta Sigma Sluts" like nothing better than to have sex, think about sex, talk about sex, and try and initiate sex with The Cook (they probably also have Hostel II on loop in the TV room). In addition to all things sex-related, they enjoy bitching, complaining, smoking dope, and eating. Especially eating. Somehow these bony babes can pack away more food than a pack of pre-hibernation grizzlies, and their favorite meals involve meat. Lots and lots of meat.

Not unlike The Real World meets the Black Christmas remake, each young woman is more stereotypical than her roomie. Autumn (Noelle Kenney) is the dumb blonde; Kristen (Brooke Lenzi) is the God-fearing good girl; Brooke (Nina Fehren) is the fallow flirt; Amy (Makinna Ridgway) is the studious one; Anastasia (Penny Drake) is the lipstick lesbian; Pam (Justine Marino) is the bitch who must die; and Michelle (Stefanie Solano) is the easiest of them all.

As their numbers begin to dwindle, a few of the brainier ones begin to figure out that that last night's Sloppy Joes just might've been made out of Joanne. It's a cannibal conundrum as the young ladies realize they've been feasting on their fair sisters, and one of them is next on the menu!

The Cook is well-written, our villain is very nicely cast, and the death scenes are truly gruesome (sometimes actually genuinely shocking). But while it tastes great, it's less-filling — the long, tedious, poorly acted and pretty pointless dialogue scenes will have you hungering for a ruthless editor. The low-budget ambiance isn't helped by the flat and lifeless shot-on-digital look.

Those who have a yen for rote sophomoric antics might enjoy the lesbian fantasy scenes and copious amounts of jiggling flesh (both on the hoof, and on the dinner table), but other than the gross-out and ogle factors (it's a good party movie), The Cook has little to recommend it.

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