Skinwalkers (DVD)

"I am not human... We're better than that," sneers Vanek, head hottie of a lycan lynch mob, with a toss of his extension-enhanced mane. And believe me, it doesn't get much better than that in the dialogue department…

…which is utterly sublime. Skinwalkers is by far the funniest flick I have seen all year. I was barking with laughter throughout, and at one point — when a gray-haired granny goes for broke with both barrels during a shootout with Vanek and his brood — I even had to wipe my tear-streaked cheeks before running it back to watch that sequence again. Thank goodness for directors and actors to whom good sense is their silver bullet — I haven't had this many laughs since Miss Teen South Carolina announced her career in cartography.

First of all, it's nice to know that even werewolves can fall prey to those late night infomercials; it's abundantly obvious that snarly, sexy Sonja (Natassia Malthe) — when she's not polishing her Harley or rummaging through David Lee Roth's garage sales — is hard at work using her $19.95 Ab-Roller. Meanwhile her blood brothers in arms and paws, Vanek (Jason Behr) and Zo (Kim Coates), are busy coiffing and feathering their perfect Cher-meets-Eber hair between shootouts with old ladies and their relentless pursuit of the 12-year-old boy who may spell their doom.

Said 12-year-old boy is poorly played by Matthew Knight in the role of Timmy. Mugging and chewing more scenery than a pack of starving stray dogs, this anti-Dakota Fanning is supposedly the embodiment of an ancient prophecy who will not only turn the (cheap CGI) moon red, but will somehow vanquish all the (sasquatch-like) werewolves. In one particularly painful scene set appropriately in the hospital, Timmy flirts like a mini W.C. Fields with a buxom, blonde nurse (played by an uncredited Ramona Pringle… sorry, dear: IMDb outed you), and it is just so wrong! I loved it.

Unlike director James Isaac's other big horror opus, 2001's Jason X, I don't think Skinwalkers was meant to be campy. At least, when I interviewed the actors at the press junket earlier this year (wherein the studio refused to screen the film; never a good sign), they certainly didn't seem to be in on any joke. Or maybe they are just much better thesps than I think. (Nah… Nip/Tuck's Rhona Mitra, as Timmy's moronic mom, is so ghastly in this she needs to go back to McNamara/Troy to get an acting augmentation.)

At any rate, the fact that Skinwalkers is played totally straight puts it on par with vintage Monty Python. Some of my favorite moments of unintentional hilarity: granny's gunplay; dialogue spoken off-camera because somebody apparently forgot to get that person's close-up; reaction shots dropped in with mismatching lighting and completely incorrect eye-leads; the "cool" slo-mo motorcycle gang; exaggerated expressions inspired by Stepin Fetchit; and a boo-scare scene featuring Mr. Death, scythe and all.

Every copy of the Skinwalkers DVD should be sold with a complimentary flea bath. The only thing not covered in the extras is an explanation as to why the obvious title — My Husband Is A Werewolf — was bypassed. We get endless explorations of the digital effects (using Tron-era graphics), neutered… um, I mean, deleted scenes, a fluff featurette, and a solemn solo commentary by Isaac.

Isaac's next movie is called Pig Hunt. I can't wait. Until then, I'm gonna pop some werewolf chow and savor this truly howlarious, totally toothless lycan laugh-riot again and again.

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