Don't Go Near the Park (DVD)

The minute Don't Go Near the Park opens, showing prehistoric cannibals who are cursed by the shaman of their tribe for their crimes, you know you're in for a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 styled schlock fest. Unfortunately, the hilarious heckling trio isn't a part of this DVD release — you'll have to supply your own sneers and jeers.

Tre and Gar are not only cannibals, the primitive pair are having an incestuous affair (probably because no one else will have them, what with their taste in hokey costumes and bad fright wigs). Once they're cursed, they get their wish for immortality… but it's not all it's cracked up to be. In order to stay young, they must consume the intestines of living humans or suffer the consequence: ageing ten years to every one year. Mind you, this is centuries before the benefits of Botox were discovered.

The only way to break the curse, apparently, is for Gar to father a child with a normal human being, then eat that child. He waits 11,984 years before trying this. Time flies when you're having spleens, I guess. Now known as Mark (Crackers Phinn), he sires a daughter with a willing young blonde (scream queen Linnea Quigley in her first role), waits for Bondi (Tamara Taylor) to grow up, then sets about to fulfill his destiny. But she is not a willing victim.

Set and filmed in the early 1980s, Don't Go Near The Park looks even older because it is so low-budget and so poorly executed. The latex stomachs that are routinely torn into don't even match the color or texture of their screaming victims' faces, and the blood that pours forth is a garish barn-red. Supposedly this movie was "banned in Britain" because of the gore factor… personally, I think there are much better reasons to not see this yuk-fest.

That's not to say some people won't enjoy it. In fact, if you're into low-budget schlock with decidedly not-special effects, then you (or you and several inebriated friends) might find Don't Go Near The Park worth a spin in the DVD player.

Dark Sky Films has done a very good job presenting the DVD and going the extra mile to include some goodies for fans of the film. There are some deleted gore scenes (begging the question: Is the movie not like one big deleted scene?), and an entertaining and informative commentary from director Lawrence D. Foldes and star Linnea Quigley. Their observations on making their first movie are fun and engaging.

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Reviewed by Staci Layne Wilson