Self Hating Rant

[Egekrusher]

Self Hatred


I sit here entrenched in the horrid wasteland that I call my mind. I cannot focus on anything except the will to die. I just want everything to be over. I’m sick of caring, I’m sick of trying. I’m sick of procrastinating so much that I hurt myself with it.

I have spent fortunes on nothing but food and music that I could have spent on paying off bills or moving out on my own. I hate everything that I am. I lie out of laziness and self-preservation. I have no honor. I am a weasel. I cheat because I can, and I hate people because I see my own flaws in them. I have no sympathy for people at times, and at others I have so much that it interferes with my “rational” thinking. I feel like a slug. I wish I were dead. I feel like I have no other choice but to kill myself, but that is the coward’s way out. I can’t resist temptation. I do everything on impulse. Most of the time I just feel like a big, stupid fucking ape. Part of a species of big, stupid fucking apes that is working it’s hardest at destroying itself. I smoke too much because I’m bored, and because I don’t have the will power to quit.

I don’t want to get “better”, I just want it all to end. Call me a coward, call me what you will, but I’m just sick of this. I can’t wait for death to envelop me in its black, peaceful nothingness, or for my soul to move on to a higher plane of existence, whatever the case may be. I feel a blackness growing inside of me, consuming more of my “good” side every day. Every time I get cut off in traffic, every time I don’t get my own way, every time someone does something that I don’t like, I feel a deep, pure hatred that scares me to no end. I don’t know how much longer I can fight it. Eventually, I’m going to snap, and one of two things is going to happen: I’m going to kill myself, or I’m going to kill someone else.

I feel like I’m never going to be a fully functional member of society. Most of the time I feel like I’m nearly mentally handicapped because of my past drug use. I used to be so intelligent, and I feel as if I’ve thrown all of that away. I am incredibly unbalanced. I can’t handle constructive criticism. I say I can, and it even appears to most people that I can, but that is not the case. I may be outwardly agreeing, but inside- inside, I am screaming about how much I fucking hate you and how much I hate myself. I am so petty it’s absurd. I used to be depressed, now I’m just lost and angry. I don’t know how to change it, or stop it. Therapy doesn’t help. Drugs just suppress my feelings; they don’t fix the fucking problem. Ignorance and stupidity sicken me to no end. I don’t give a flying fuck if your computer isn’t working, learn how to fucking fix it yourself you obstinate bastards. Discrimination based on anything but intentional malice is wrong. I handle pressure like a Russian submarine.

That’s it for now. I’m done feeling sorry for myself.

[thEsounDofdirT]

i understand how you're feeling man.. i had a horrible mental breakdown between november and feb... and i've spent a lot of my life in plain depression... but i'm not too bad now... i know you're hurting a lot inside but at the same time.. maybe feeling nothing...

what helped me is using all of that shit to create a horror screenplay... and 2 electronica albums... i made TWO full length 74 minute albums between november and april... that's how much shit i had... it's a horrible feeling to feel so alone.. i used to crawl on the floor crying and screaming to anything that would hear.. just to kill me... i was very suicidal and i have a lot of scars now...

i really hope everything clears up for you man.. and i'm almost positive that it will...

i'm sure everyone here has felt something like this at one point...

take care dude

[Egekrusher]

Really? You're into making electronic music? I am as well. Care to listen? It's not the greatest in the world, all the samples are just free samples that I've moddified.

http://technologicalwasteland.com/links/music.html

[thEsounDofdirT]

cool man.. i'll go give a listen.. the link to my stuff is in my signature... thE sounD of dirT

[fluffho]

don't quit now. maybe i coudl tell u more but ..... that would be pages and pages.

but yeh.. just take a breather and try to find things that yuo enjoy, meaning GOOD things that make yuo feel HAPPY. focus on those things.

[thEsounDofdirT]

oh and egekrusher

i checked out your songs.. very cool.. really retro blip oriented with lots of beat changes .. mostly flow oriented... enjoyed .. :) have to talk sometime more... i'll listen more and let you know more in depth what i think

i like to give opinions :cool:

[bwind22]

I would advise you to quit smoking pot for a month. Clear your head, clear your mind, get some ambition (and sex drive) back, and then things will start looking up. If I were ever considering suicide, I would seriously try to get completely sober before making a final decision on it.

The world we are living in right now is probably more fucked up than it has ever been. There's people you've never met that would love to kill you for no reason (unless you count jihad, but I don't because true Muslims don't believe in killing innocents.) It's easy to be depressed, just turn on the news. The key is to have a place to vent your feelings and discuss your thoughts with other people that can relate. If this forum is where you need to do it, then so be it. I'm sure there are plenty of people here willing to lend an ear.

[Egekrusher]

Originally posted by bwind22
I would advise you to quit smoking pot for a month. Clear your head, clear your mind, get some ambition (and sex drive) back, and then things will start looking up. If I were ever considering suicide, I would seriously try to get completely sober before making a final decision on it.

The world we are living in right now is probably more fucked up than it has ever been. There's people you've never met that would love to kill you for no reason (unless you count jihad, but I don't because true Muslims don't believe in killing innocents.) It's easy to be depressed, just turn on the news. The key is to have a place to vent your feelings and discuss your thoughts with other people that can relate. If this forum is where you need to do it, then so be it. I'm sure there are plenty of people here willing to lend an ear.

Yes... wait.. how'd you know I'm losing my sex drive?

Yeah, it sucks.

Oh, and Dirt- great music man.

[Freddy Krueger.]

Originally posted by thEsounDofdirT
i had a horrible mental breakdown between november and feb.

Really? I have one 24-7. I'm a mental-sidecase. I'm insanely mental.

[Egekrusher]

I've been in the hospital twice for depression. I just suck at life.