story i wrote

hi i always wanted to be a horror writer but i need some fans opinions heres a short story i done if u can tell me how i done be honest i hope its good and what would u rate it...............
it was a dark summer in 2006 i was driveing to a nearby abandoned house i saw a man pick up a girl and she was screaming i thought it was the mans daughter my cellphone had no signal i began to panic . he started to drive off and my cellphone rang he said tell one word u saw and ill shoot u how did he get my number ... i began to drive around the car to look at the window but the window was tinted i couldnt see inside the strange man said ill let u go but he lived on 40 acres and he let her go and he grabbed a gun and went to hunt his prey meanwhile he shot her in the heart her chest was bleeding ....... i began to walk around his land and i saw him and i began to try to find a women then i noticed the person i was hunting was me there was no phone call....

[The STE]

I think it's a horribly written blurb. Seriously, it's like two long-ass sentences

[cheebacheeba]

he started to drive off and my cellphone rang he said tell one word u saw and ill shoot u how did he get my number ...

What's more...why did the phone ring?
Also...that would be kind of funny if you DID tell someone, then the threat was carried out.

[filmmaker2]

no no no no you see the phone didn't ring, it was like all in his mind, you see.

[cheebacheeba]

Ah that's right, he even went on to say that.
Guess I just didnt....care.

[The Flayed One]

I'll give you an honest critique.

First off, I belong to a writing forum or two for peer to peer critiques and such. Most people wouldn't even read what you wrote. If you want people to read your stuff, at least use capitalization & punctuation. It wouldn't kill you to run it through a spellchecker, either. Courtesy towards your reader by making what you wrote readable is a must.

Second, STE is right. This isn't a short story, it's more of a plot summary, and a poorly written one at that. Any horror fan here is going to roll there eyes at another 'it was me all along' crap fest in the first place. I mean hell, it could almost be a scene straight out of Haute Tension.

If you insist doing the split personality killer thing, try to think of an original way to do it. Try dealing with the why's and the maybe the personal struggle between the two personalities.

If you're serious about writing, these guidelines are going to help you a whole hell of a lot. Once you get some of them down, you can start getting serious critiques from others, including me.

-Flayed

Edit:
I just went back and read your introduction thread. Please note that I'm not trying to be a total jerk here. A story post is a lot different than a normal post. A lot of people have short attention spans reading long posts. Story posts are usually some of the longest, and if it's just a jumbled mess with no spellchecking/capitalization/puntuation etc., no one who fancies themself a writer is going to read it.

Whatever your grammar is like, you should be fine posting in any old thread as long as you're not a jerk/spamming. I just wanted to make sure you know that in the eyes of a lot of people, there is a big difference in the two kinds of posts.

[Marley's Ghost]

This story you wrote
is shit you see
it hurt my head
and my left knee

If i were you
i'd give up the notion
that writing skills
are your devotion