The HDC Fight of the Realms

[bwind22]

Coleman, the Gothic Teen, is really rocking out to his IPod. An especially heavy song begins. He cranks the volume to max and begins to headbang silently in his seat. His head throbs dangerously close to the large picture frame behind him with each motion.

Cheryl, the Receptionist, glances over her computer screen and scowls, annoyed at the amount of noise escaping his headphones.

Ethel, the Elderly Woman, continues reading her magazine, oblivious.

Cheryl, too distracted to work, decides to speak up. "Would you mind turning that down?" Coleman keeps headbanging without responding. She speaks up. "HELLO?" No response. Cheryl looks to Ethel for sympathy to her plight, but Ethel is still engrossed in her magazine, completely oblivious to her surroundings.

Cheryl lets out a heavy sigh, then a tube of toothpaste nearby catches her attention. She reaches for it. Her sleeve brushes a cup of coffee next to her keyboard. The cup teeters, but does not fall. She snatches the tube of toothpaste from the shelf and hurls it across the room. It narrowly misses Coleman's head and bounces off the large picture frame behind before falling harmlessly to the floor. Coleman looks up at Cheryl in shock just in time to see her gasp as the massive picture frame comes crashing off the wall and smashes into his head.

Coleman hits the floor, a bloody mess, surrounded by glass shards and tattered finger paintings remnants. Cheryl springs in to action. She hops over the desk to help, but lands on the tube of toothpaste. The cap and a stream of toothpaste erupt from the tube and plaster the back and cover of Ethel's magazine. Ethel remains oblivious to anything going on around her. Cheryl's ankle rolls on the tube of toothpaste and snaps with a sickening crack as she falls facefirst in to the shards of broken glass.

Cheryl, her face a bloodied mess and her ankle at a 90 degree angle, looks up to see a large shard of broken glass embedded in to Coleman's neck and a pool of blood growing quickly around his head. She looks the other way to see Ethel still reading her magazine. She gasps. "Please... Call an ambulance! I'm a hemophiliac!" Ethel continues reading with no response. Cheryl, losing more blood from her cuts than the average person would, begins to claw her way across the floor towards Ethel.

Just as she within an arm's length of Ethel's ankle, her body goes limp and she loses consciousness.

The clock on the wall spins quickly, signifying the passage of time. Twenty three minutes go by. The door to the back of dentist's area opens up and the dentist, Dr. Anderson, appears. Without looking up from the file he's got his nose buried in, he speaks in a loud, booming voice. "Mrs. Garrett!"

Ethel looks up and smiles sweetly at the dentist from behind very thick glasses. She folds her magazine and sets it down. She stands up, nearly stepping on Cheryl's pale frame. She makes her way across the waiting room, still completely oblivious to her surroundings, and follows Dr. Anderson in to the back.

The End.

[neverending]

Haha- funny, bwind!

[scouse mac]

Originally Posted by neverending

Man, that was brutal, Scouse!

Thanks NE, I did have something a little more subtle planned but discarded it for an over the top gore fest.

@bwind: That was a quality piece! I could see a Final Destination vibe there.

[The Gate Master]

2 hours and 31 minutes until the deadline is up. Papillon Noir is yet to submit.

[Papillon Noir]

The Old Woman calmly flips through her magazine, sucking loudly on her mint. CAW! CAW! She jumps, hearing a crow through the open dentist window. She glances up, looking outside, and there on the tree are hundreds of crows. They fill every branch, looking almost like leaves. Old Woman puts down her magazine as stands, walking closer to the window.

CCCAAAWWW! The crows scream in unison. Horrified, the Old Woman takes a step back, turning to the Goth Teen, "Do you see this? These crows?" The Goth Teen takes no notice of her, his eyes closed as he thumps his foot to the beat of his heavy rock music. Old Woman mutters about "youths today", before turning back to the window just as a crow flies towards it, slamming it self at the glass as another one tries to nudge it's way into the slight opening.

Old Woman staggers back to towards the receptionist, "Uh, Miss? I think there's something wrong..."

Annoyed, the Receptionist looks up from her typing, "What is it now, Mrs...Oh my God!" she shrieks, seeing the crows attacking the window.

The window cracks, then shatters. The murder of crows funnel into the waiting room engulfing the Old Woman. She screams, and then her cries die out as the crows tear out her tongue and devour her eyes. They tear at her throat, blood gushing in torrents. Ripping through her flesh, the crows guzzel down bits of flesh and sinew.

The Receptionist runs to Goth Teen, ripping the ipod from his ear and shaking him frantically, "Help her! Do something!".

Goth Teen looks at her calmly, and with a small smile responds, "I am doing something." One of the crows lands on his shoulder and he pets it affectionately.

"You! What are you?" Receptionist whispers as she backs against the wall.

"Just someone who tires of waiting," Goth Teen, snaps his fingers and all the crow stop their feasting and looks at Goth Teen. With a small smile, Goth Teen subtlely indicates the Receptionist.

"Nooooooo!," the Receptionist shrieks as she starts to flee. CCAAAWWW! The crows flock to her like a giant black vortex, encircling her with such a force that her feet are lifted from the ground. The crows tear into her, hitting several arteries as blood sprays the walls like red paint. Her screams die down as the crows release her. Her mutilated corpse falling to the floor.

Goth Teen looks at her corpse, thoughtfully. Most of her flesh was gone, her bones glinting white through what was left of her clothes.

"Oh, my God!" the Dentist gasps as he entered the room.

"Well, it looks like I'm next, huh Doc?" Goth Teen grins, clapping a hand on the Dentist's shoulder as he walks back towards the exam rooms. The Dentist just crumples to his knees in horror. A crow hops towards the Dentist. CAW!


The End. :)

[scouse mac]

Very nice Papillon! :)


Bloody teenagers, no respect these days

[Papillon Noir]

Thanks, Scouse!

Damn kids! :p

[The Gate Master]

Originally Posted by scouse mac

The Story of Franklin

Behind the receptionist, a small black cloud develops. This cloud expands quickly, unbeknown to the woman working at the desk and finally, with a small noise like that of microwave completing its task, a shape appears from the dark smog.
It took Franklin the Tooth Fairy a few seconds to adjust to the bright lighting of the waiting room. He glanced around and saw the woman immediately in front of him typing furiously on a computer. An old woman was completely engrossed in her Surfing magazine whilst a young lady with long purple hair had her eyes closed, slumped in a chair with one leg resting across the arm of another, her head bobbing up and down in time to loud music.

Silently, Franklin reached around his back to pull Ol’ Extractor from its harness and dropped it to his side. The receptionist was still working at the computer when the phone rang. She turned slightly to reach for receiver, bringing young Franklin into view. The beginnings of a scream was just about to tickle the first of her vocal chords when the massive spiked hammer came rushing up to catch her on the chin. The three inch spikes nailed her lower jaw to the roof of her mouth, her tongue all but shredded. Franklin smiled as he grabbed the top of the womans head with a massive hand and pulled the hammer towards him with his other. The receptionists jaw came free with a sickeningly wet crunch, her body collapsed, blood sprayed and several teeth fell to the floor.

'Fresh teeth! I love fresh big person teeth!’. Franklin’s bellow startled the two women in the waiting area who were oblivious until then. The young woman screamed as she saw the giant black shape reach down and gather the fallen teeth before putting them in his mouth. He walked over to her, his mouth working away as the teeth crunched and cracked as he ate.

The goth girl screamed and started to run but Franklin once again raised Ol’ Extractor and brought it swinging around to connect with her side. Ribs were shattered, flesh and sinew destroyed. She fell to the ground, dark blood pumping onto the clean white tiles.

‘Mmmm. You have nice new teeth!’ Franklin happily exclaimed as he knelt down by the girls ruined form. She mumbled and moaned, the pain overwhelming her senses. Franklin took hold of the top of her jaw and snapped a large chunk off, opening up a gaping hole in the side of her face. The dying girls scream was weak and pale, blood pouring down the back of her throat, choking her. The piece of jaw was already in Franklin mouth, his teeth and tongue busying away removing the teeth from the bone. He stood up, raised the hammer high and brought it crashing down on the girls head. He opened up a small pouch in his belt and began to gather up the teeth from the wrecked face of the girl.

The old lady had been watching all this, too petrified and shocked to move. Franklin looked at her and slowly stood up again, moving towards her grinning.
‘My favourite! Granny teeth for pudding!’
The old woman put her hand to her mouth then dropped it and reached out to Franklin, opening her palm as he approached. He looked down and cried, ‘NOOOOOO! That’s not fair! I want my pudding!’
He picked up the false teeth from the womans hand and threw them to the floor, ‘They don’t taste nice at all’, he explained to her before turning away and waving his hands in a strange signal. The dark cloud began to form above his head.
‘Whats the meaning of all this noise?’ Exclaimed the dentist as opened the door to the waiting room. Franklin spun round , smiling manically.
‘PUDDING!'

The End

An interesting read. You decided to go for a supernatural theme, which I enjoyed. You also didn't fall into the trap of giving Franlin a back story. The deaths were gruesome and entertaining, although somewhat similar. They were different enough to keep it interesting though. The characters acted in a very typical way. That is not a negative point. They came across as realistic.

I'm sorry to say, one very short phrase did let you down. You had the old woman reading a surfing magazine. This does not come across as an ordinary thing, however, seeing as it was your world, I let it slip. There are older women who are surfing enthusiasts. Overall, these are your marks.

Creativity: 3/3
Logic: 3/3
Perception: 1/3

The way you presented the deaths lost you certain marks, as did your title. The story of Franklin. You shifted the focus of the scene to character rather than deaths. Remember, you were tasked to focus on the murders. I understand though, that because your deaths were made by a person and not a chain of events, you had to describe him in some way. Still, the entire paragraph where you had him reject the old woman's dentures was not necessary. It was a good read, but you had already completed the task and you did not need that in there. I'm afraid that brought you down to 1/3 for perception.

Because you presented it as a story, it was good that you decided to wrap it up, but because you did it as a story you felt the need to complete the scene logically. That was what made writing it in that format so difficult. You gained marks for logic but lost them for perception. Overall, you scored 7/9. You should be proud of that.

[The Gate Master]

Originally Posted by bwind22

Coleman, the Gothic Teen, is really rocking out to his IPod. An especially heavy song begins. He cranks the volume to max and begins to headbang silently in his seat. His head throbs dangerously close to the large picture frame behind him with each motion.

Cheryl, the Receptionist, glances over her computer screen and scowls, annoyed at the amount of noise escaping his headphones.

Ethel, the Elderly Woman, continues reading her magazine, oblivious.

Cheryl, too distracted to work, decides to speak up. "Would you mind turning that down?" Coleman keeps headbanging without responding. She speaks up. "HELLO?" No response. Cheryl looks to Ethel for sympathy to her plight, but Ethel is still engrossed in her magazine, completely oblivious to her surroundings.

Cheryl lets out a heavy sigh, then a tube of toothpaste nearby catches her attention. She reaches for it. Her sleeve brushes a cup of coffee next to her keyboard. The cup teeters, but does not fall. She snatches the tube of toothpaste from the shelf and hurls it across the room. It narrowly misses Coleman's head and bounces off the large picture frame behind before falling harmlessly to the floor. Coleman looks up at Cheryl in shock just in time to see her gasp as the massive picture frame comes crashing off the wall and smashes into his head.

Coleman hits the floor, a bloody mess, surrounded by glass shards and tattered finger paintings remnants. Cheryl springs in to action. She hops over the desk to help, but lands on the tube of toothpaste. The cap and a stream of toothpaste erupt from the tube and plaster the back and cover of Ethel's magazine. Ethel remains oblivious to anything going on around her. Cheryl's ankle rolls on the tube of toothpaste and snaps with a sickening crack as she falls facefirst in to the shards of broken glass.

Cheryl, her face a bloodied mess and her ankle at a 90 degree angle, looks up to see a large shard of broken glass embedded in to Coleman's neck and a pool of blood growing quickly around his head. She looks the other way to see Ethel still reading her magazine. She gasps. "Please... Call an ambulance! I'm a hemophiliac!" Ethel continues reading with no response. Cheryl, losing more blood from her cuts than the average person would, begins to claw her way across the floor towards Ethel.

Just as she within an arm's length of Ethel's ankle, her body goes limp and she loses consciousness.

The clock on the wall spins quickly, signifying the passage of time. Twenty three minutes go by. The door to the back of dentist's area opens up and the dentist, Dr. Anderson, appears. Without looking up from the file he's got his nose buried in, he speaks in a loud, booming voice. "Mrs. Garrett!"

Ethel looks up and smiles sweetly at the dentist from behind very thick glasses. She folds her magazine and sets it down. She stands up, nearly stepping on Cheryl's pale frame. She makes her way across the waiting room, still completely oblivious to her surroundings, and follows Dr. Anderson in to the back.

The End.

You went for the safer option of still presenting it as a story but a series of events. This shifted the focus from characters to the deaths themselves. There was also a large amount of creativity in there. I enjoyed the final destination-esque scene. The deaths were gruesome enough and you met the task well.

Your characters did act in strange ways though. For one, the receptionist shouting at the teen twice then resorting to throwing toothpaste at him. It didn't come across as realistic. Why didn't she stand up and go over to him. They weren't exactly busy. Also, the older woman at the end and the dentist not noticing the bloody scene. And just like Scouse Mac you opted for a final scene which did not need to be there. These are you marks.

Creativity: 3/3
Logic: 1.5/3
Perception: 2/3

It was a very entertaining read and even though I didn't feel the receptionist would have thrown the toothpaste, when fitted into the death scenes it put things together nicely. The deaths were maybe not as gruesome as they could have been and even though the focus was the deaths, I feel most of that was the lead up. Still, you got good marks.

6.5/9

[The Gate Master]

Originally Posted by Papillon Noir

The Old Woman calmly flips through her magazine, sucking loudly on her mint. CAW! CAW! She jumps, hearing a crow through the open dentist window. She glances up, looking outside, and there on the tree are hundreds of crows. They fill every branch, looking almost like leaves. Old Woman puts down her magazine as stands, walking closer to the window.

CCCAAAWWW! The crows scream in unison. Horrified, the Old Woman takes a step back, turning to the Goth Teen, "Do you see this? These crows?" The Goth Teen takes no notice of her, his eyes closed as he thumps his foot to the beat of his heavy rock music. Old Woman mutters about "youths today", before turning back to the window just as a crow flies towards it, slamming it self at the glass as another one tries to nudge it's way into the slight opening.

Old Woman staggers back to towards the receptionist, "Uh, Miss? I think there's something wrong..."

Annoyed, the Receptionist looks up from her typing, "What is it now, Mrs...Oh my God!" she shrieks, seeing the crows attacking the window.

The window cracks, then shatters. The murder of crows funnel into the waiting room engulfing the Old Woman. She screams, and then her cries die out as the crows tear out her tongue and devour her eyes. They tear at her throat, blood gushing in torrents. Ripping through her flesh, the crows guzzel down bits of flesh and sinew.

The Receptionist runs to Goth Teen, ripping the ipod from his ear and shaking him frantically, "Help her! Do something!".

Goth Teen looks at her calmly, and with a small smile responds, "I am doing something." One of the crows lands on his shoulder and he pets it affectionately.

"You! What are you?" Receptionist whispers as she backs against the wall.

"Just someone who tires of waiting," Goth Teen, snaps his fingers and all the crow stop their feasting and looks at Goth Teen. With a small smile, Goth Teen subtlely indicates the Receptionist.

"Nooooooo!," the Receptionist shrieks as she starts to flee. CCAAAWWW! The crows flock to her like a giant black vortex, encircling her with such a force that her feet are lifted from the ground. The crows tear into her, hitting several arteries as blood sprays the walls like red paint. Her screams die down as the crows release her. Her mutilated corpse falling to the floor.

Goth Teen looks at her corpse, thoughtfully. Most of her flesh was gone, her bones glinting white through what was left of her clothes.

"Oh, my God!" the Dentist gasps as he entered the room.

"Well, it looks like I'm next, huh Doc?" Goth Teen grins, clapping a hand on the Dentist's shoulder as he walks back towards the exam rooms. The Dentist just crumples to his knees in horror. A crow hops towards the Dentist. CAW!


The End. :)

A very fun scene. You characters were quite realistic and I liked the twist of the goth teen being the evil one. The deaths were quite similar but were still fun and gory. You were also the only one to opt for killing the older woman, which was slightly refreshing.

Unfortunately, the idea of birds being murderers in large numbers and pecking out eyes has been done before, as you know, so you lost points for creativity there. I did like the way you had the birds controlled by somebody, however. But as with Scouse Mac, presenting it as a story put you in a tricky position. You had a person killing so you needed to explain his motives in some way, but you didn't want it too character focused. I think you dealt with this well by having him have very few motives, similar to Michael Myers. Your marks were,

Creativity: 1/3
Logic: 3/3
Perception: 2/3

You, like the others, chose to have a concluding paragraph showing what you made happen after the deaths, which was not needed. However, your one seemed to fit the best. However, your task was you creating two deaths in the scene, not telling a story. The idea is that you are sitting just outside of their world orchestrating events. Everything you made happen afterwards was not necessary. These were people you were controlling, and though I refer to them as characters in my marking, they were not. They were people in a world who you took control of. So, even though yours did fit the best, I could not justify giving you more marks than the other two for perception.

Your overall marks were 6/9. Be pleased, you did very well. And there are more challenges where each of you can do better...or worse. We will find out.