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#301
02-04-2007, 05:29 AM
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
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#303
02-04-2007, 05:37 AM
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#305
02-04-2007, 05:55 AM
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#306
02-12-2007, 10:39 PM
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Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9, ...
__________________
...  If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance...Baffle 'em with bullshit My Karma ran over my Dogma God WAS my co-pilot...But, we crashed in the mountains and...I had to eat him I'm suffocating in what's become of me... The rancid remains of what I used to be
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#307
02-13-2007, 01:52 AM
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Toilet Cleaning Instructions/also good for stopping your cat from
drinking out of the toilet: Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse". Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
__________________
 "There is no fuckin' ice cream in your fuckin' future." -Otis "Once in a while ya get shown the light, in the strangest of places if ya look at it right." -RH&JG "Do your best, fuck the rest." -Me "Onward, through the fog..." -Me Last edited by monalisa; 02-13-2007 at 01:54 AM.
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#308
02-14-2007, 08:29 PM
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__________________
... If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance...Baffle 'em with bullshit My Karma ran over my Dogma God WAS my co-pilot...But, we crashed in the mountains and...I had to eat him I'm suffocating in what's become of me... The rancid remains of what I used to be
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#309
02-14-2007, 10:11 PM
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Quote:
__________________
my opinion counts dammit so says my Lord :D
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