Hey YOU- Read my story!

[Egekrusher]

He is very much a walking contradiction. The line that you and I quoted was actually created for the story. I just posted it because it fit the thread. :)

The nightmares- all I can say is that as time goes on, I share more and more of the nightmare. It is a recurring nightmare that he doesn't remember at all at the moment. The closer we get towards the climax, the more is revealed to the main character, and also to the reader.

I'm almost finished with Chapter 2.

[Egekrusher]

Also, I just posted what I have of chapter 2 so far.

[Stingy Jack]

Okay. If you want to present your character as a contradiction, that's cool. You do it effectively! :D No criticisms there. I just thought that quote was something that you personally felt strongly about, and wanted us to specifically associate with that character.

As for the nightmares, sounds like an interesting technique. I'd like to see it play out. But, one more "detail" thing ... when your protagonist sees the vision in the mirror, you take some time to describe this vision before the character weilds a plunger and pisses all over the place (very funny scene ... hope you didn't want us to take it too seriously). I think this interrupts the flow of the narrative. While you are describing the apparition (if that's what it is), we picture the protagonist just standing in the mirror gazing at this guy the whole time the description is being read. Of course, the action didn't really flow like that. He saw the guy in the mirror, and immediately grabbed the plunger and peed all over the place. I think you should have waited until then, after he whirls around to face the guy, to describe what your protagonist saw. Wait for a lull in the action before you begin to supply lengthy descriptions. It keeps the flow of the narrative going.

I know I said I couldn't wait to read the rest of your story, but I think I want to wait until you have even more posted before I read it. Otherwise, you will be hearing my comments the whole way and I don't want to affect your story that way. You know? Kind of like a "I should butt out of it and let him handle it for a while" attitude. No offense. :)

[Egekrusher]

Oh, don't worry, I already know exactly where I'm going to take it.

I appreciate the suggestion about the action sequence. I didn't really want it to be taken too seriously, obviously. I never thought about where I was inserting the description. It was meant to be more of a quick glance than staring.

I updated it if you want to take another look.

[Stingy Jack]

What I would do with the bathroom scene from Chapter 1 is keep it as it is, only when your character looks in the mirror, limit the description to this sentence:

"When my eyes finally find their way there, I see what looks like a man about my size holding a butcher’s knife in his hand."

Then, have your character whirl around and do his thing with his weenie. When you get to the point where you say:

"Of course there was nothing there. How could there be?" and you provide the precautions he took in locking the house, then I would add: "But I could have sworn I saw the guy. Rather distinctly." Then provide the rest of the description. Of course, it's a pretty detailed description for a guy who only got a glance.

I saw your update, but I have not read it yet. Like I said before, I kind of want to wait until you have several pages (if not most of the story) written. This will provide me with a much clearer picture as to where you are taking your story, and provide me with ample material to critique. :) But, I DO want to read it!