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Dark Moon Rising (2009)
Movie starts with two guys getting mauled. NO IDEA by what.
I have little hopes for this movie going in when I see the credits are given to us in Papyrus (although giving the movie credit at least it wasn't Comic Sans). And our fist scene takes place in a par with some dirty old pervert talking about Viagra like it's the biggest thing since fucking sliced bread.
Drifter comes into town, asks for job, gets job. It was very blunt. His new job is at a garage where a girl talks to him and he's a complete dick. Passing her on her way home as she's walking and it's like someone flipped a switch in this jacknut's brain and he's suddenly charming. My guess is the switch is in his pants as he's trying to pass off a cactus for an apology flower. So much sex appeal is getting thrown at us I'm surprised it took exactly 15minutes into the movie for someone to fall on a dick.
Speaking of sex, the movie gets ADD and a couple are making out in a truck when three guys pull the male out and start beating the piss out of him. ...NO IDEA WHY. I suddenly care less when the guy gets up again and starts beating them. I mean yeah it's random and I'm confused but hey people at least are getting mutilated. That's fun.
We're not given a whole lot of time to get to know characters. I swear every other scene one will pop back up that you recognize but the drive-by scenes that aren't even 5 minutes long are really making it hard to focus on anything.
When we do see the girl again from earlier she's an idiot taking a ride from a stranger. Because they don't teach stranger danger in the desert apparently. But luckily her shop buddy sees it and comes to her dumbass rescue. And even that didn't last long! It's like the script is a short story some kid wrote for their English class, you know the ones that you have to include a number of words you're currently learning into it.
And then a montage of the chick with her new boy toy having whimsical moments get stuck in random scene with two cops, then it ends with him accidentally scratching her but not really, then they're at a swimming hole. I should've saved all those ADD meds I tossed as a dumbass kid and saved them for this movie cause it really FUCKING NEEDS IT.
Then cut to old couple parking and the roof of their vehicle getting attacked by a Lon Chaney stand in, girl doing nothing, then guy trying to kill a wolf attacking his animals. Wolf gets away but the best part of this is the guys frustration at him getting away. To call it acting would be generous.
Our drifter wakes up shirtless and covered in blood, and what a shock! He's the werewolf. As he's screaming in frustration in the most terrible way one can act, the scene does cut aways within cut aways to the same fucking scene... WHY. It's not even a second later, it's just distracting and annoying and unnecessary.
Cop checks out the farm, dead animals blah blah blah, back to the Twilight story. The guy's being PMSy and tells the girl that he's the wolf who's been doing the killing, but of course she still loves him. After the only quality time they had together was a shit montage and their dick introduction, she loves him. I guess to prove it she wants to be with him when he turns that night, standing by him and just talking about his family and how this curse is possible, and the moon comes up. He starts screaming in pain as the "change" starts, and she actually asks him if he's okay... IF THEY'RE SCREAMING IN PAIN I DON'T THINK THEY'RE OKAY YOU FUCKING MORON!
Oh and the "change" was painfully dull, hence the constantly used quotations. I've seen better transformations in Animorphs.
She tries to run, fails because again, she's an idiot. Falls and passes out, and he doesn't even touch her. Instead he kind of just pets her face... I don't... Wolf jumps on a box, howls, and runs away. Chick wakes up and takes his car to drive off, and the movie kind of goes to a dream sequence that confuses you to think if the scene before even happened.
Next day the two see a gypsy who's unaware a dreadlock wig fell on her head. She tells him he hasn't tasted human blood and in order to keep his soul he needs to kill his father who not only has tasted human blood but relishes the curse.
We see the girls dad and the cop talk a lot about either his daughter hanging out with the shady drifter, or the deaths and what could be responsible. After another not-full-moon and the kid on the lose in his wolf state, the village people are getting restless and starting a riot. The sheriff and her lackey break up the fight and decide on cuddling in the moonlight. He leaves to take a leak when he glimpses one of the wolves. Then that went nowhere.
Scene cuts to half naked daughter in her room with one of the wolves watching her. ...That also goes NOWHERE.
Next day or night I guess... Daddy wolf decides he could go for sex and a bite and two hookers are dead by the next day. At least that was an amusing scene.
Ugh over protective daddy goes to wolfboy to threaten (I'm sorry, he calls it a ''warning'' not a ''threat'') him to stay away from his daughter. In the almost most over the top way to do it. The kid was as calm as can be but daddy was apparently looking too far into that, pulling the kid to his face with that shirt grip.
I forgot to mention like ten minutes into the movie one of the drive-by scenes was some random old guy probably drunk and putting a gun to his head. That scene went nowhere of course but we do see him again, when he comes in towards the end of the movie to warn the cop and her pet about a family with blood on their hands that he had been following. He knew of the dad and while he's talking there's this God awful newspaper background green screened behind him, and I have no idea if I heard him right because I'm trying to read the titles on the papers because how can I not, it's just that distracting and the green screen effect was just so bad how can you not stare.
We then flashback to the older gent (who we find out is a cop too) interrogating wolfdaddy which leads to the cop's wife getting murdered.
Wolfdad finds wolfboy and his girlfriend in a bar and they sit and talk for a little family reunion. As I'm watching I can't help but think Wolfdad is the only actor who actually gives a shit ...Lord only knows why! No one else does! But he's fucking nuts and the only enjoyable character in the movie. Just. Bless him.
The people in this town are fucking dicks. 3 guys for no reason at all try to get wolfboy out of his car and start a fight. The girlfriend comes to the rescue only to need to be rescued so of course wolfboy beats the piss out of them. Chick runs home and daddy sees she has a blackeye, assumes of course that her boyfriend did it. She of course doesn't correct him and runs off, causing her dad to look for her, and he and the boyfriend pass on the road and stop for a chat. They have a bit of a fight and then somehow become better aquainted to the point he can take wolfboy the the sheriff and they realize that Jr was killing animals, while Sr was doing the murders.
Wolfdad calls the group and tells them it's time for a showdown and to encourage them he has the girl. The four meet up along with the town idiot come to meet him, and the two wolves get hairy. While big bad is distracted dad lets his girl free, and wolfdick kills the out of town cop then throws the sheriff off balance where she somehow gets a messed up leg, but bitch can still shoot, nice to see she's not useless.
But of course she misses him completely and goes for the girl where the local yocal actually holds PapaWolf at bay so she can run. Why yes of course he dies.
Father and son have an affectionately violent fight while the bitch watches. Completely unharmed she manages to be useless, while the sheriff who's cut up manages to hobble all the way over to them to shoot down Papa Werewolf. Jr ends him and it's over. Unfortunately that means the fight not the movie.
This stupid fucking bitch... I can't even. This is Twilight. Somehow less painful, but still twilight. After being useless and WATCHING HIM ALMOST DIE, she has the NERVE to tell him she loved him and make out. NO. NO YOU DO NOT GET TO DO THAT. I honestly do not give a flying fuck when the movie ends with him walking off (shirtless of COURSE) into the sunset and leaving her, her dad, and the whole damn town behind.
This wasn't even so bad it's funny IT WAS JUST AWFUL.
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