Self Hating Rant

[Egekrusher]

Self Hatred


I sit here entrenched in the horrid wasteland that I call my mind. I cannot focus on anything except the will to die. I just want everything to be over. I’m sick of caring, I’m sick of trying. I’m sick of procrastinating so much that I hurt myself with it.

I have spent fortunes on nothing but food and music that I could have spent on paying off bills or moving out on my own. I hate everything that I am. I lie out of laziness and self-preservation. I have no honor. I am a weasel. I cheat because I can, and I hate people because I see my own flaws in them. I have no sympathy for people at times, and at others I have so much that it interferes with my “rational” thinking. I feel like a slug. I wish I were dead. I feel like I have no other choice but to kill myself, but that is the coward’s way out. I can’t resist temptation. I do everything on impulse. Most of the time I just feel like a big, stupid fucking ape. Part of a species of big, stupid fucking apes that is working it’s hardest at destroying itself. I smoke too much because I’m bored, and because I don’t have the will power to quit.

I don’t want to get “better”, I just want it all to end. Call me a coward, call me what you will, but I’m just sick of this. I can’t wait for death to envelop me in its black, peaceful nothingness, or for my soul to move on to a higher plane of existence, whatever the case may be. I feel a blackness growing inside of me, consuming more of my “good” side every day. Every time I get cut off in traffic, every time I don’t get my own way, every time someone does something that I don’t like, I feel a deep, pure hatred that scares me to no end. I don’t know how much longer I can fight it. Eventually, I’m going to snap, and one of two things is going to happen: I’m going to kill myself, or I’m going to kill someone else.

I feel like I’m never going to be a fully functional member of society. Most of the time I feel like I’m nearly mentally handicapped because of my past drug use. I used to be so intelligent, and I feel as if I’ve thrown all of that away. I am incredibly unbalanced. I can’t handle constructive criticism. I say I can, and it even appears to most people that I can, but that is not the case. I may be outwardly agreeing, but inside- inside, I am screaming about how much I fucking hate you and how much I hate myself. I am so petty it’s absurd. I used to be depressed, now I’m just lost and angry. I don’t know how to change it, or stop it. Therapy doesn’t help. Drugs just suppress my feelings; they don’t fix the fucking problem. Ignorance and stupidity sicken me to no end. I don’t give a flying fuck if your computer isn’t working, learn how to fucking fix it yourself you obstinate bastards. Discrimination based on anything but intentional malice is wrong. I handle pressure like a Russian submarine.

That’s it for now. I’m done feeling sorry for myself.

[thEsounDofdirT]

i understand how you're feeling man.. i had a horrible mental breakdown between november and feb... and i've spent a lot of my life in plain depression... but i'm not too bad now... i know you're hurting a lot inside but at the same time.. maybe feeling nothing...

what helped me is using all of that shit to create a horror screenplay... and 2 electronica albums... i made TWO full length 74 minute albums between november and april... that's how much shit i had... it's a horrible feeling to feel so alone.. i used to crawl on the floor crying and screaming to anything that would hear.. just to kill me... i was very suicidal and i have a lot of scars now...

i really hope everything clears up for you man.. and i'm almost positive that it will...

i'm sure everyone here has felt something like this at one point...

take care dude

[Egekrusher]

Really? You're into making electronic music? I am as well. Care to listen? It's not the greatest in the world, all the samples are just free samples that I've moddified.

http://technologicalwasteland.com/links/music.html

[thEsounDofdirT]

cool man.. i'll go give a listen.. the link to my stuff is in my signature... thE sounD of dirT

[fluffho]

don't quit now. maybe i coudl tell u more but ..... that would be pages and pages.

but yeh.. just take a breather and try to find things that yuo enjoy, meaning GOOD things that make yuo feel HAPPY. focus on those things.

[thEsounDofdirT]

oh and egekrusher

i checked out your songs.. very cool.. really retro blip oriented with lots of beat changes .. mostly flow oriented... enjoyed .. :) have to talk sometime more... i'll listen more and let you know more in depth what i think

i like to give opinions :cool:

[bwind22]

I would advise you to quit smoking pot for a month. Clear your head, clear your mind, get some ambition (and sex drive) back, and then things will start looking up. If I were ever considering suicide, I would seriously try to get completely sober before making a final decision on it.

The world we are living in right now is probably more fucked up than it has ever been. There's people you've never met that would love to kill you for no reason (unless you count jihad, but I don't because true Muslims don't believe in killing innocents.) It's easy to be depressed, just turn on the news. The key is to have a place to vent your feelings and discuss your thoughts with other people that can relate. If this forum is where you need to do it, then so be it. I'm sure there are plenty of people here willing to lend an ear.

[Egekrusher]

Originally posted by bwind22
I would advise you to quit smoking pot for a month. Clear your head, clear your mind, get some ambition (and sex drive) back, and then things will start looking up. If I were ever considering suicide, I would seriously try to get completely sober before making a final decision on it.

The world we are living in right now is probably more fucked up than it has ever been. There's people you've never met that would love to kill you for no reason (unless you count jihad, but I don't because true Muslims don't believe in killing innocents.) It's easy to be depressed, just turn on the news. The key is to have a place to vent your feelings and discuss your thoughts with other people that can relate. If this forum is where you need to do it, then so be it. I'm sure there are plenty of people here willing to lend an ear.

Yes... wait.. how'd you know I'm losing my sex drive?

Yeah, it sucks.

Oh, and Dirt- great music man.

[Freddy Krueger.]

Originally posted by thEsounDofdirT
i had a horrible mental breakdown between november and feb. Really? I have one 24-7. I'm a mental-sidecase. I'm insanely mental.

[Egekrusher]

I've been in the hospital twice for depression. I just suck at life.

[bloodrayne]

I copy/pasted this for you, Ege...I really want you to think about it...I swear it's all true...Always try to think about what you HAVE, and not what you DON'T.......

Life is what you make of it, It isn't something that happens TO you, If you don't like it, change it......

Three steps to having anything you want in life...
1) Decide what it is that you want (that's the hardest one)
2) Figure out how to get it (There is ALWAYS a way)
3) DO IT

AND...We know who and what we are, far better than anyone else does, Our perception of ourselves is much more important than what others think of us (That means...Who gives a damn what other people think?) I'm going to be myself no matter what, I will only change something, about myself, if I don't like it

Just think about it, okay?

[Egekrusher]

I know exactly what I want: nothing.

[bloodrayne]

Originally posted by Egekrusher
I know exactly what I want: nothing. Then I am afraid that is what you will have...I do hope that you snap out of this, Ege :(

[nv.]

(((egekrusher)))
you don't suck at life ..you just need a little help that's all. I think one time or another we all question ourselves/why we're here. I know this may sound gay...but just look at what you have in life. You have you're music (which is great btw) and your friends. Try relying on your friends more...I'm sure they know you more than you think. Just get out...go do something(not anything stupid). What do you like to do? What makes you happy?:D

[thEsounDofdirT]

dude seriously .. you have a good start on the music thing... if i were you, i'd concentrate on doing an album.. :).. it really worked for me...

[bwind22]

Originally posted by Egekrusher
Yes... wait.. how'd you know I'm losing my sex drive?

Yeah, it sucks.

Oh, and Dirt- great music man.

A better question would be 'How'd I know you smoke pot?' You didn't mention it once in your original post. Here's how I knew...

I could just tell by the way you were writing and what you were saying. It's easy to get depressed when you can't remember what you did an hour ago. That can be frustrating. Smoking pot, while enjoyed in moderation can be a fun laughy 'high', but when people start doing it too much (like all day, every day), it tends to make people look inward, at the core of your being. It causes depression because you know that you could be doing more with your life, but you just aren't because you smoke too much weed. You have become the stereotypical lazy stoner. It's an easy rut to fall into, but it's quite a bit tougher to pull yourself out. It can be done though, the key is to quit smoking the herbs completely for a while. After about a week of crabiness and irritability, you will suddenly find yourself re-energized and more motivated. Instead of sitting around watching tv or playing video games all afternoon, you will find yourself desiring to go outside and do stuff more. I think we can all agree that an absent libido would be depressing for anyone...

Loss of sex drive and loss of motivation go hand in hand with smoking too much weed for too long. (I have no problem with weed, but every once in a while, it's good to quit and clean your system out. Hey, even Snoop Dogg quit for a while.)

You should seriously consider quitting weed before quitting life.

At just the young age of 24, I have already known 5 people in this life that have killed themselves. 1 was over a boyfriend that broke up with her, 1 was over a girlfriend that broke up with him, 1 was because he got caught cheating on his wife, 1 was because of work and IRS problems, and 1 was ruled 'accidental' (I don't know too many people that hang themself on accident though.)

What do these all have in common? If you guessed 'Wasted life', you we're correct! They are all over things and people in this world that are not that important. Sure, it sucks when your girlfriend dumps you... Anyone that's ever been dumped can atest to that, but you don't go lay down in front of a train. That's not going to help anything! The only thing that will do is cause heartache to your friends and family. It won't solve your problem. Who's to say our pain from this world doesn't follow us to the next? How would you like to kill yourself only to find out that now you are stuck with the same pain and emotions as you were when you were alive, but now you are dead and no longer have any chance to feel better about things?

Just remember this Ege...

*Puts on his 'Annie' singing voice*

"The sun will come out tomorrow, tomorrow! Bet you bottom dollar that tomorrow-"

Er... nevermind. I don't really know the words to that song. :rolleyes:

Look ahead. Instead of examining where you're at, decide where you want to be and make it happen. If you are into music, then put out a CD. If you like movies, write a screenplay. Do something other than sit around smoking pot and hating yourself. There's a whole world out there for you to enjoy. (Try to stay out of the Middle East though.)

[thEsounDofdirT]

yea... pot is a major depressant ... we studied it in psych.. how it really has much lower results as far as long term effects... but if it's overused it is just a downward spiral..

one reason i don't like to get drunk.. makes me get really depressed... i have a lot of shit that i keep away jus tto get by.. and when i lose my inhibition.. i see that crap

[fluffho]

Originally posted by bwind22
.1 was ruled 'accidental' (I don't know too many people that hang themself on accident though.)

a number of ways.. the more colorful being a s&m erotic type of thing which.... id rather not explain.

anyway, ege. dont give up now. the only time u can expend ur life is when u have expended all other options. otherwise ur just a selfish pussy. why do i say that? i know 2 dudes and thats all i see them as now. cowards

there are things that yuo want. your just thinking too negatively. the world, other people, the environment, money.. those things do NOT fuck us up or make us sad. WE, as in YOU are the one solely in charge of that.

there are not too many things that are, rather, they are perceptions. just like the chinese view the swastika as peace, flip it over and it means white power. all it is is a design but people put their own meanings into it.

same with you, something is bothering you. something bad happened (the gf thing im guessing) and thats all ur focusing on. how about all the little things that made you happy? how abou when yuo were happy befor. im sure it wasnt just 1 thing that was doing it, but severla. u need to find those

[bwind22]

Originally posted by fluffho
a number of ways.. the more colorful being a s&m erotic type of thing which.... id rather not explain.

lol. No need to explain, but that wasn't what happened to him. He was in his room by himself, his whole family was downstairs. His brother went to tell him dinner was ready and found him hanging from a hanging plant hook by a piece of plastic. His feet were kind of on his computer chair, but not enough to be holding any weight. It seemed like a suicide to me, but there wasn't a note. The cops said it was accidental because he had been known to do that thing where you put pressure on the veins/arteries in his neck and it causes a loss of blood to the brain, creating a 'high' (Kinda like a whip-it.) They said they thought he was doing that and just ended up passing out (while still with the plastic on his neck) and ended up accidentaly hanging himself.

Seemed kinda fishy...

[fluffho]

meh, it happens. although i think he woulda been better off sniffing air freshener than that.

anyway. i think one of the main things would be the fact that there was no note. i could be wrong but from that i assume that there really were no signs. that maybe he didnt seem very ddepressed or anything? also the fact that it happened while everyone was at home, right before dinner is odd. most people do it at night, NOT when everyone is home let alone awake.

[nine9]

Hey Egekrusher, alot of people here know that I went through a lot of scary shit in my life. I have been through your experience many times. Even though I have a handle on it now, and for a long time, it comes back once and a while, most recently a dark period during the fall.

You obviously have alot going for you, and have retained interests in your music and some other things.......this is good, I have been at points where I have no interest in ANYTHING!

Consider seeing a therapist.......sometimes works and othertimes not but worth trying! Also think about these messages originated from nothing, or are a result ofwhat you have been told by other people. I know you feel like you don't want to change....that is depression.....you will find you get to the point where you are sick of being this way and want to fight it! think about the fact that you deserve the right to be happy as much as anyone else, and do positive things for yourself, spoil yourself even to make this happen! Really you have the responsibility of making your own life worthwhile.

Looks like a lot of people on this forum are concerned about you...so people do care obviously. The wanting to hurt other people comment is disturbing...but I think it is due to your being angry about being unhappy, and resenting people. Normal too when you are feeling this shitty!

Talk to your doctor about all of this too....it may even be related to an actual physical problem, where medication could help.

Good luck E! You can talk to me anytime if you want, or anybody else on this thread.....great supportive people here! Big Smile for you!

:D :

[newb]

I have a friend who was in the same boat as you and he actually tried to do himself harm. Thankfully he failed and now he is so happy and everything has come together for him. We get together every now and then for a brew and he is so grateful that he's alive. From the looks of it you have some friends on this board and we would miss Egekrusher post. Stay well.

[nine9]

Oh.......just noticed that you HAD mentioned therapy.....sorry!

Doesn't mean another person couldn't help you though!

Take care and try to be as positive as possible.

Also.........have you read up on Bi- Polar disorder? I know someone who sounds very similar to you, with this problem.

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D