I need help with a logline.

[bwind22]

This is a question mainly for people with insider knowledge of the industry. I'm in a logline contest this month and I need to place in the top 25% to advance to the next round.

Please take a look at this logline and let me know what you think and if you have any suggestions for improving it. What you see below is exactly whatt he judges will see, just a title and logline so I need it to be good.

If you do not have knowledge of loglines, then please just let me know if it seems like a film you'd be intersted in seeing or not based solely on what is written below.


Who the Hell is Sheldon Reese?
"Bullets and wisecracks abound as a self-absorbed actor, at risk of becoming the next victim of a celebrity-slaying hitman, must unravel the mystery surrounding the murder of a rival while reversing his slumping career and juggling his promiscuous love life."


Thanks to anyone that offers any assistance.

[Doc Faustus]

A little bit clunky. "reversing his slumping career and juggling his promiscuous lovelife" doesn't quite flow.

[Disease]

It could be simplified some what...

[bwind22]

A little bit clunky. "reversing his slumping career and juggling his promiscuous lovelife" doesn't quite flow.

Any suggestions on how to clean it up while keeping the meaning?

Maybe "...rebounding his career and maintaining his promiscuous lovelife."


I have rewritten this thing probably 30 times now. You should have seen how clunky it was to begin with. :(

[Doc Faustus]

Promiscuous is awkward. Maybe and "still finding time to womanize?"

[bwind22]

"...reversing his slumping career and maintaining his playboy-style lovelife."


Do you think that's any less clunky?

[bwind22]

I just rewrote it again. Is this any less clunky? And more importantly, does it sound like an intersting script?

Who the Hell is Sheldon Reese?
"Bullets and wisecracks fly as a self-absorbed actor, at risk of becoming the next victim of a celebrity-slaying hitman, must unravel the mystery surrounding the murder of a rival while juggling his slumping career and chaotic love life."

[Doc Faustus]

That's much better.

[bwind22]

Thanks Doc. That's probably the one I'll go with.

I swear I've spent more time on this logline than I do on most of my scripts. :P

[Papillon Noir]

What about this, it's less clunky:

As bullets and wisecracks fly, a self-absorbed actor risks becoming the next victim of a celebrity-slaying hitman and must unravel the mystery of a rival's murder, while juggling his slumping career and choatic love life.


What about using "tumultous" instead of "choatic"?

[bwind22]

How about this?

Who the Hell is Sheldon Reese?
Bullets and wisecracks fly as an oversexed egomaniac actor, in a career slump, risks becoming the next victim of a hitman as he attempts to unravel the gruesome death of a rival.

[bwind22]

Can anyone provide feedback on this latest version? Is it better or worse thatn the last one I had posted here? The deadline for submitting this is in 9 hours so I got to figure out which one is more effective.

Who the Hell is Sheldon Reese?
Bullets and wisecracks fly as an oversexed egomaniac actor, in a career slump, risks becoming the next victim of a hitman as he attempts to unravel the gruesome death of a rival.


Who the Hell is Sheldon Reese?
"Bullets and wisecracks fly as a self-absorbed actor, at risk of becoming the next victim of a celebrity-slaying hitman, must unravel the mystery surrounding the murder of a rival while juggling his slumping career and chaotic love life."

[Doc Faustus]

The first one. But the comma is unnecessary. It disrupts the flow.

[GorePhobia]

Sheldon Reese is a guy who should come back to the e-fed world and hang around with myself, Timmy, Bill, Luke, and the gang again!

[bwind22]

Sheldon Reese is a guy who should come back to the e-fed world and hang around with myself, Timmy, Bill, Luke, and the gang again!

Ha! Sheldon Reese is destined for greater things than the e-fed world because my new creative outlet is writing screenplays, not roleplays. ;)

[GorePhobia]

Ha! Sheldon Reese is destined for greater things than the e-fed world because my new creative outlet is writing screenplays, not roleplays. ;)

You make me sad.

There is always time for both!

[bwind22]

Actually, there's barely time for one, but the screenplay contest I enter only requires 1 five page script a month as opposed to countless roleplays per week.

[GorePhobia]

Actually, there's barely time for one, but the screenplay contest I enter only requires 1 five page script a month as opposed to countless roleplays per week.

Well our new fed has a four roleplay max per week because it is a part time fed. Plus you can always just come on over and hang with us OOCly.

[bwind22]

I definitely don't have the time for it. I talk to who I want to talk to on email, myspace and on here so there's not much point in going to the OOC boards. Any time I pop in, I get harrassed to return and I just don't have the time any more.

[GorePhobia]

Alright my bad brotha.

Sorry to disturb your thread with this.

[bwind22]

I just wanted to thank everyone that offered advice in this thread. My logline placed in the Top 30 and I have advanced to Stage 2 which is entering the first 10 pages of a feature. (I don't know exactly where in the Top 30 I placed, but I do know it was somewhere between 4th-18th so thanks for all the help.)

30 people out of 120 advanced to stage 2. From stage 2, the top 10 advance to the final stage where we enter the complete feature length script.

If anyone would be willing to help me out again by reading over the first 10 pages and offering advice, I'd be happy to forward a pdf to your email.