The "NO DRAMA" thread

[newb]

Think carefully about the following:

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would
now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago,drank
all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling
REFUND, you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v259/rockinmule/beer.gif


CHEERS

[stygianwitch]

This sounds familiar.....

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman. "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down, down, down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were people she knew-former executives she had worked with through the years-and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played a great round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a terrific time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up, up, up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The HR Director paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down, down, down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends who were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff ..."

[Roderick Usher]

Originally posted by newb
the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.


CHEERS

I'll be suckin' down a Shakespeare Stout (or two)during the hdc fantasy draft!

[BlOoDy_DeSiRe]

Originally posted by Roderick Usher
I'll be suckin' down a Shakespeare Stout (or two)during the hdc fantasy draft!

sounds fun

[newb]

Originally posted by Roderick Usher
I'll be suckin' down a Shakespeare Stout (or two)during the hdc fantasy draft!

Haven't had that one....but I've had a few of these.....very good.

http://home.earthlink.net/~snailstales/deadguyale.JPG

[ItsAlive75]

Originally posted by newb
Haven't had that one....but I've had a few of these.....very good.

http://home.earthlink.net/~snailstales/deadguyale.JPG

My favorite non-Colorado beer.

[Roderick Usher]

Actually finished the Shakespeare and am into an Anderson Valley Boont Amber

If you haven't had it, find it. I'd rank Anderson Valley a near tie with Bert Grant as the best across-the-board brewery in the US. Never had a misstep from them.

Rogue, Anchor and Sierra Nevada come in close

Also have a soft spot for Wild Goose out of Maryland

[bloodrayne]

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW roared out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC-connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right," says the cowboy. "Well, I guess you can take one of my calves." He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a United States Congressman," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you wanted to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about the topic you are talking about...


"Now give me back my fucking dog."

[newb]

That was funny:D

[newb]

a couple of these tonight
http://www.callzia.com/BecksLabels/US-H-L/image/longtrail_doublebag.jpg


followed by quite a few budweisers tomorrow as me and some friends gather for a tailgate party in the parking lot of our local outside concert venue........The Allman Brothers w Gov't Mule.......I am very excited......look.....i peed a little bit.

[StevenReynolds]

*golf clap*

[newb]

Originally posted by StevenReynolds
*golf clap*

I'm sorry....I couldn't hear you....this is the "NO DRAMA" thread.....if ya wanna clap....go for it....don't hold back.....this thread is for all things fun and happy...now get happy.http://bestsmileys.com/happy/5.gif

[bloodrayne]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the terrible behavior that was going on.

So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth, 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline: 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, to give them a little something to help them keep going .


Do you know what the E-mail said?


No?


Okay, just wondering: I didn't get one either:p

[bloodrayne]

Wow, talk about technology!

The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and detect the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.



It's all very cool...But...I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[bloodrayne]

Dear Diary,

For my fifty-fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear sweetheart) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so here it is:

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.

She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring , Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!

My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.

Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me


WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.

Typing this is almpst unbearable. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stairmaster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit, too.


THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me. As punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.

Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body that I could move without unbearable pain, I swear I would beat her with it!

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the fucking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.

Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.

However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.

I will also pray that next year, my wife (that scheming bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun...like a root canal or a vasectomy .....


PS. I'm cancelling my life insurance policy

[bloodrayne]

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

How is it possible to have a 'civil' war?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

[bloodrayne]

:p

[bloodrayne]

:)

[bloodrayne]

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football
game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world," the
student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars...We even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and," pausing to take another drink of beer..

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany, and said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shithead, what are you doing for the next generation?"

[crabapple]

That is funny and awesome at the same time. Bravo to whoever wrote that!

[stubbornforgey]

Originally posted by bloodrayne
:)


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
em gonna use that !!LOL

damn it never showed..
the garfield pic :D

[newb]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade
students. "Human beings are the only animals that
stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who
stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how
precious some of these stories could become, asked the
girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my
kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a
running start and before we knew it, he jumped over
the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went
'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say
"Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

[bloodrayne]

This one is for Hammerfan :)


PET RULES

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats, The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on my front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.


Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
0. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

[bloodrayne]

The Pastor And His Donkey

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.


The moral of the story is....Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

[newb]

Enjoying a few of these this weekend.

http://www.ratebeer.com/beerimages/167.jpg

The only good thing about the end of summer....OCTOBERFEST.

[crabapple]

yeeeeaaaaahhhh

[BudMan]

Big Halloween party tomorrow night.......I had to ditch my original idea [ lets just say it wasn't very PC ]...last minute at the picked over shit at the store and I came up with this
http://www.costumes4less.com/prodimages/previews/5/previewFW5437.jpg


I'm gonna work on the makeup part so it doesn't look so lame.

[bloodrayne]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her!




ALL materialistic, self-absorbed bitches deserve that.

Someone should do that to my sister, but she'll never end up with anyone smart enough to do something like that...Seriously, if they had any brains AT ALL they wouldn't hook up with her...I'm pretty sure SHE knows it, too...Because she only goes out with idiots...It's like a requirement, ya know?

[stubbornforgey]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..
thats cute rayne..

[bloodrayne]

This one is REALLY old...and pretty silly...

I still thought I'd post it just in case there's the slightest chance that someone here may not have already heard it


A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears:
BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The lid opening wider and wider.

The man doesn't want to see what's inside.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...






and,











Stops the coffin.

[crabapple]

That reminds me of a poem in a book I've had since I was nine or something like that:




It isn't the cough
That carries you off.
It's the coffin
They carry you off in.

[tic]

This one is REALLY old...and pretty silly...

I still thought I'd post it just in case there's the slightest chance that someone here may not have already heard it


A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears:
BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The lid opening wider and wider.

The man doesn't want to see what's inside.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...






and,











Stops the coffin.

http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n22/mule4468/duh.gif

:D

[newb]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Eileen,
says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you
get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said
proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking
her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant
get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once
in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like
how money feels in my hand. And lastly, instead of you
going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

[stubbornforgey]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Eileen,
says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you
get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said
proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking
her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant
get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once
in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like
how money feels in my hand. And lastly, instead of you
going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."


'spits her coffee'

LMAO

[The Flayed One]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrCmOTnFEFY


:eek:

[stygianwitch]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrCmOTnFEFY


:eek:

:eek: is right :eek:

[bloodrayne]

http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h114/set4stun/ymcaj.jpg
HAHA!...Now YOU GUYS have that song stuck in YOUR heads, too :p

[Disease]

That coffin joke was terrible, oh my.

[bloodrayne]

That coffin joke was terrible, oh my.HaHa...I already know that :p

[Disease]

give me a better one then or I'll flood you with bad ones!

[bloodrayne]

give me a better one then or I'll flood you with bad ones!Nah...It's cool...Give me some bad ones :D

[Disease]

I was hopeing you wouldn't say that, let me think of something suitable for public distrobution.

[bloodrayne]

I was hopeing you wouldn't say that, let me think of something suitable for public distrobution.Gotcha

I just don't really feel like typing out a buncha crap...You don't have to ya know :)

I gotta go soon anyway...Sun's coming up...Getting drained...

[Disease]

Ok then I wont.

[bloodrayne]

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f**in number!"..... and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen ."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2 . "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover . Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.


NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really works...

[Elvis_Christ]

:D Fiendish haha.... the gay lover part is total gold!

[stubbornforgey]

Nah...It's cool...Give me some bad ones :D

hahahahahahahaha
you want bad jokes...
ask my man to tell you some !!LOL:o

[newb]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been fucked?"
The fellow said "No"



She said "You will be when the tide comes in."


why do I picture Murderdoll as the third woman?

[ShankS]

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time." The man replied "I know, I've been ill"

[bloodrayne]

Answers To Common Baby Questions

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

[ShankS]

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

[Angra]

http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p17/Kasper_76/MeditatingMan.jpg

[ShankS]

http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/7348/loonywg6.jpg

[Angra]

http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/7348/loonywg6.jpg



WUAAAAAAAAAH!!!!


TOO MUCH DRAMA!!! :mad:

http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p17/Kasper_76/No_drama_by_nsdigitaldevil.jpg

[ShankS]

http://www.eskimo.com/~vecna/dramallama01.jpg

[bloodrayne]

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9, ...

[monalisa]

Toilet Cleaning Instructions/also good for stopping your cat from
drinking out of the toilet:

Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the
water in the bowl.

Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises
that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
and rinse".

Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are
no people between the bathroom and the front door.

Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
lids.

The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,
and run outside where he will dry himself off.

Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

[bloodrayne]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v69/BloodRayne/funny.png

[stubbornforgey]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v69/BloodRayne/funny.png

hahahahahahahahaha!!!

[DP McCoy]

http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u139/dazpier/animal002.jpg

[bloodrayne]

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.



"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they all yours?"



"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.



She says, "Sit down Leroy."



All the children rush to find seats.



"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."



'This one's my oldest; he is Leroy" "OK, and who's next?"



"Well, this one, he is Leroy, also."



The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.



One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!



"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"



Their momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy."



The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"



"Then I calls em by their last names"

[monalisa]

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the
audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few
seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the
microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd,
pierces the silence ..

"Weill, fukin stop doin it then!"

[Thomasgeorge]

two indians are walking down a road one says
"buffalo cum"
the other says
"how u know"


"my ear is stuck to the ground"

[crabapple]

http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m108/darkcornerpix/squirrel05_3.jpg

[Posher778]

A man goes sky diving for the first time, and he spots a blind man preparing for his jump. The man asks him, how do you sky dive if you're blind? And he responded by saying "I... jump out of the plane..."

The man then laughed and asked, "How do you know when to pull your parachute cord?"

The blind man responded with "I adapted to being able to smell the pine from 30,000 feet up."

Then the interested man said, "how do you know when to prep for landing??"

Then the blind man giggled and replied.....................................
















"When the LEASH goes SLACK!":D

[VampiricClown]

A man goes sky diving for the first time, and he spots a blind man preparing for his jump. The man asks him, how do you sky dive if you're blind? And he responded by saying "I... jump out of the plane..."

The man then laughed and asked, "How do you know when to pull your parachute cord?"

The blind man responded with "I adapted to being able to smell the pine from 30,000 feet up."

Then the interested man said, "how do you know when to prep for landing??"

Then the blind man giggled and replied.....................................
















"When the LEASH goes SLACK!":D

:confused:

[Dominion]

:confused:


That's what I said when I read that one.;)

[VampiricClown]

The man spots a blind man. Most blind people have seeing eye dogs. He smells the pine trees and pulls the cord, now mind you the dog jumps with the man. The dog is on a leash so the man knows to be ready to land when the leash gives slack. Its the irony of the dog dying that is funny.;)

Ooooooh! Now I get it!!

Thanks for clearing that one up.

[Posher778]

pfft. There's always a crowd that doesn't get it
I think it's hysterical.

[VampiricClown]

pfft. There's always a crowd that doesn't get it
I think it's hysterical.

It is now that I understand it.

I wasn't thinking about the dog. :o

[stubbornforgey]

A man goes sky diving for the first time, and he spots a blind man preparing for his jump. The man asks him, how do you sky dive if you're blind? And he responded by saying "I... jump out of the plane..."

The man then laughed and asked, "How do you know when to pull your parachute cord?"

The blind man responded with "I adapted to being able to smell the pine from 30,000 feet up."

Then the interested man said, "how do you know when to prep for landing??"

Then the blind man giggled and replied.....................................
















"When the LEASH goes SLACK!":D


LOL..
after 20 reads
i got it ~~

[DP McCoy]

Q How do you know when a Auto Mechanic has just had sex?


A One of his fingers are clean!!!:p

[newb]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you
like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about
nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer
excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have
no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shit?"

[bloody_ribcut]

Hhmm,........

how do you say sixtynine in chineese?



two can chew.









:(

[novadawn969]

So a man walks into a bar...
and says ouch.


:D



Yeah... thats the best I can do for now...

[Demonique]

Ghandi was a great man but here is a few details about him. He walked every where he went so he had very bad feet. Also, because he was an ascetic, he ate very little and was frail and weak. Because of his poor diet he was often the victim of very bad breath. I guess you could say he was a . . .

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis


Yes I know it's a groaner but had to throw it in.:o

[bloodrayne]

Clear Day

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the
woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, I know now is
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose
funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband
when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[Posher778]

Sooo... an irish guy walks out of a bar right?



LOL. get it? I liked it

[bloodrayne]

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40am walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing!

11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released--and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now....

[novadawn969]

When I was in chapel at my school, one of the new, younger male teachers stated this in a somber tone. The entire audience was so quiet.


I'm not sure you may have heard, but there was a tragic accident on the 101 (a local freeway)

A little boy was playing on an overpass with a fishing pole; just dangling it over the edge.
Then a Semi sped past. The hook caught, and the boy's arms were ripped off.

(Gasp i the audience, a couple confused looks, and a couple snickers)

They found and arrested the driver.
He was charged with armed robbery.








I thought it was gay, but alot of people were laughing, and even more were pissed.

[newb]

When I was in chapel at my school, one of the new, younger male teachers stated this in a somber tone. The entire audience was so quiet.


I'm not sure you may have heard, but there was a tragic accident on the 101 (a local freeway)

A little boy was playing on an overpass with a fishing pole; just dangling it over the edge.
Then a Semi sped past. The hook caught, and the boy's arms were ripped off.

(Gasp i the audience, a couple confused looks, and a couple snickers)

They found and arrested the driver.
He was charged with armed robbery.








I thought it was gay, but alot of people were laughing, and even more were pissed.


BOO.....HISS

[scaryminda15]

that was awesome Newbie! that nun and father joke. lol

[Despare]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pyjamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?"

"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

[novadawn969]

BOO.....HISS



That's what I thought...

Just posting it for the lesser minded people... :p

[novadawn969]

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pyjamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?"

"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."



Thank you for the mental image of an old man's penis...

































I think I'm going to puke now.

[Despare]

Thank you for the mental image of an old man's penis...


I think I'm going to puke now.

Wuss !

[novadawn969]

Wuss !







No... I just prefer mine younger... I can take the mental image of a younger man's penis.

I just don't dig old guys... Sorry. :p

[Despare]

No... I just prefer mine younger... I can take the mental image of a younger man's penis.

I just don't dig old guys... Sorry. :p

You'll have to one day... ewwwwwww.

[novadawn969]

You'll have to one day... ewwwwwww.


Well I don't have to worry about that for a long while. Unless I'm raped by some old guy... if he can get it up. :D








Psssst!!! - So will you ;)

[Despare]

Well I don't have to worry about that for a long while. Unless I'm raped by some old guy... if he can get it up. :D








Psssst!!! - So will you ;)

I have a picture of my penis in the attic so no matter how old I get it never ages.

[novadawn969]

I have a picture of my penis in the attic so no matter how old I get it never ages.



Wow... whatever you do, don't shower. ;)

[Posher778]

Wow... whatever you do, don't shower. ;)

You love it:rolleyes:

[Demonique]

I have a picture of my penis in the attic so no matter how old I get it never ages.

Hmmm. The picture of Dorian Gray's Penis?

[bloody_ribcut]

thats funny,

[bloodrayne]

http://static.flickr.com/4/4911392_7763382565.jpg

[Despare]

http://static.flickr.com/4/4911392_7763382565.jpg

This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out, when I don't need it.
But now and then I go to a party, get drunk,
and the next morning I can't for the life of me
remember what I did with it.
First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it.
So I called up the place where the party was,
they hadn't seen it either.
I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time.
So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
I called a few people who were at the party,
but they were no help either.
I was starting to get desperate.
I really don't like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man,
and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.
After a few hours of searching the house,
and calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed,
so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast.
Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place,
where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket
next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him.
He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.
I took it home, washed it off,
and put it back on. I was happy again. Complete.
People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,
but I don't know.
Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.

[bloodrayne]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v69/BloodRayne/poolcues.jpg

[AsylumSeeker]

I have a picture of my penis in the attic so no matter how old I get it never ages.

ROFL! This may be one of my new favorite postings.

[bleeding_angelgirl]

yeah that is pretty funny

[AmericanManiac]

What do you call a women with two black eyes?





























nothing you already told her twice

[bleeding_angelgirl]

What do you call a women with two black eyes?





nothing you already told her twice

wow ouch:eek:

[stubbornforgey]

An elderly couple was attending a church service. About halfway through the wife leans over and says, ” I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?” The husband replies, ” Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”







Men are like...


1. Men are like ...Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like .Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like .....Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .....Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ..Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ......Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ....Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.



Dinner out..

Friends of ours invited the wife and I out to dinner. Although it
turned out to be a topless restaurant, my wife was a pretty
good sport and pretended to enjoy the evening.

On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force
wouldn't keep the windshield from icing over on her side of the
car.

"Awwwww come on." I said. "It wasn't that bad."

"Your ordering didn't help matters." she said fuming.

"What ?" I replied. "I only ordered a dozen oysters."

"ONE AT A TIME ?!?!?!" she yelled.

[stubbornforgey]

LOL..
i like this one..'giggles'



This has happened to all of us women... read on.

My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat.

Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd have to go home to change my clothes.

That was a long time ago. Even now, in my more "mature years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one's bladder is full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there.

So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely. You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.

The dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one - but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck. (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!). You yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance" Ahhhh, relief. But then your thighs begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off of your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"

Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat. You bolt up quickly, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -
not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get,"

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China.

At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how too operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged at this point, no longer able to smile politely.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!).


It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door.

[stubbornforgey]

shortest fairy tale ever:


Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?" The guy said, "No."

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted.



the end..




http://funnigurl.com/bbs/bbs.cgi?act=i&b=sexes


crack up site for those who can't sleep' :o
and who have polished off every unbolted down pack of biscuit..

[Posher778]

WOMEN DRIVERS

NO SURVIVORS

If you don't like the way women drive get off the sidewalk!

[Dante'sInferno]

http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h26/Adrogenous/zzz20.gif
http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h26/Adrogenous/owned-subaru.jpg




Okay...ever wonder what happend to the ginger kid from terminator 2????













ANSWER BELOW:



After john gets away on his bike the t-1000 goes back to the arcade and BITCH slaps his ASS for being ginger, coz even future robots think they're freaks.

[Wensday13]

What does the average NC student get on his SAT? Drool

What do you get when you put the NC State football team in 1 room? A full set of teeth.


How do you get an NC State graduate off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

What is the longest three years of a NC State football players life? His freshman year.

How many NC State freshman football players does it take to change a lightbulb? None, thats a sophmore course.

Why couldnt Helen Keller drive? Because she was a woman.

What has 600 eyes, 25 teeth, and 8 dads? The front row at a Garth Brooks concert.

[stubbornforgey]

Gather round friends..i have something to say
About how some black men got led astray..
So uneducated and silly were some..
In short you could say..they were practically dumb.

Now there was one guy who was filled with great pride
cos he had a crush on old Hannah McBride..
But she was a white girl and there love was doomed..
but he had to have her..and have her real soon.

Her long hair was driving him out of his wits..
her small waist..her small ass..her chest with no tits
and so hatched a plan ..in her window he'll go
and quietly fuck her..so no one would know..

But..i needs me something' so no babies come
and off to the chemist..this poor dumbass runs.
Please give me throaties cos my cuzzin said..
that this thing here's good for killin germs dead..
and nasal spray too ..i don't know where it goes..
so will put up her ass and not up her nose.

He knew he was right cos he saw the word 'crook'
and looked up the word in the diction'ry book..
so finally ready he runs to her side
gives her these meds..cos he must do it right..
They kissed and they cuddled..well nuff heres been said
then finally start screwing ..ontop of the bed.

They say 9 months later as this tale was told
a baby was born with the shittiest cold..!!!!

[giggles]

[bloody_ribcut]

Little Zachary was doing very bad in math. His parents had tried everything. Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard a before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What as it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

womp womp womp

[Shazbut]

A farm equipment sales rep goes to a farm one day, trying to sell a new tractor on the market.

As he is walking up the drive, he sees a 3-legged pig on the grass verge.

He knocks on the door of the farm and when the farmer answers, he comments on the pig and asks why it only has 3 legs.

The farmer replies: "Well, one day my 5 year old son was playing down by the river and fell in. From nowhere comes the pig, jumps in the river, pulls my son out, gives him mouth to mouth resuscitation and basically saves his life"

Sales rep says: "That's amazing, but it still doesnt explain why the pig only has 3 legs"

Farmer replies: "Well, my wife was busy cooking in the kitchen one day and the chip pan caught fire and covered her in boiling hot fat. From nowhere comes the pig, rushes over to the pan, throws a wet towel over to douse the flames, then proceeds to pour bucket loads of water on the wife, calls an ambulance and bascially saves her life".

Sales rep says: "That is fantastic, but, not wishing to offend, it still doesnt explain why the pig only has 3 legs".

Farmer replies: "Well, I was out working in the field one day and my tractor rolled over and crushed my leg. From nowhere comes the pig, pulls the tractor off of me, bandages my compound fracture, calls an ambulance and basically saves my life".

Sales rep says: "That is one incredible animal you have there, you must think him a guardian angel. But, pray, these stories are fantastic but it still doesnt explain why the pig only has 3 legs".
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Well", replies the farmer, "with a pig like that, you cant eat him all at once"!!!

:D

[georgefbruce]

Why don't women need watches?





Because there's a perfectly good clock on the oven....




Hilarious...but oh so wrong...

[Shazbut]

Why don't women need watches?





Because there's a perfectly good clock on the oven....




Hilarious...but oh so wrong...

It's only wrong when women cant match the wit!



How many men does it take to tile a floor?







It depends how thinly you slice them!!! :D

[georgefbruce]

It's only wrong when women cant match the wit!


I agree....here's the shock of the century....

Don't judge a person by their handle...it can be misleading...

I am female.

And not in my mind, or like I wanna be...like I was born, brought up and still act quite female...(whatever that means).

Any way...back to the jokes


How many babies does it take to paint a room?













It depends on how hard you throw them.


*SPLAT*

[Shazbut]

I agree....here's the shock of the century....

Don't judge a person by their handle...it can be misleading...

I am female.

And not in my mind, or like I wanna be...like I was born, brought up and still act quite female...(whatever that means).


Prove it!! :D

Any way...back to the jokes


How many babies does it take to paint a room?













It depends on how hard you throw them.


*SPLAT*


What goes plink, plink.... fizzzzzzzzzz!









Two babies in an acid bath!

[Shazbut]

An escaped convict breaks into a home and ties up the husband and wife on the bed. He jumps on top of the wife and kisses her ear. He then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

The husband says: “Satisfy him or he will kill us both. I saw the way he kissed you, be strong – I love you!”

Wife says: “He didn’t kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay and looking for the Vaseline. I told him its in the bathroom. You be strong – I love you!”

[Dante'sInferno]

An escaped convict breaks into a home and ties up the husband and wife on the bed. He jumps on top of the wife and kisses her ear. He then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

The husband says: “Satisfy him or he will kill us both. I saw the way he kissed you, be strong – I love you!”

Wife says: “He didn’t kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay and looking for the Vaseline. I told him its in the bathroom. You be strong – I love you!”Hah,that is great.

[bloody_ribcut]

An escaped convict breaks into a home and ties up the husband and wife on the bed. He jumps on top of the wife and kisses her ear. He then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

The husband says: “Satisfy him or he will kill us both. I saw the way he kissed you, be strong – I love you!”

Wife says: “He didn’t kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay and looking for the Vaseline. I told him its in the bathroom. You be strong – I love you!”

would a gay escaped convict really wisper?lol:D

[Shazbut]

would a gay escaped convict really wisper?lol:D

LOL We could always make this a thread and psychoanalyse it!! ?

:D

[newb]

Funny video


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b266NeGU15I

[Dante'sInferno]

Hehehe.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_l3O-DGgcBU

[newb]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When
I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck... get the fuck away from me.'

[newb]

A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about Churches around the
country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east
from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making
notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was
intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls: $10,000 a minute.'

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The
pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven
and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued
to visit churches in Seattle , Dallas, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and
around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the
same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Massachusetts. Upon entering a church in
Boston, MA .. ..........Behold - he saw the usual golden telephone.

But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: .35 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in
cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden
telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I
could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute.
Your sign reads only .35 cents a call. Why? Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied :

"Son, you're in Boston, Massachusetts now, home of the Boston Red Sox, the
Patriots, Celtics, Bruins and Boston College ! "

You're in God's Country, It's a local call.

[stubbornforgey]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When
I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck... get the fuck away from me.'


hahahahahahahahahahaha!!

[newb]

Why Men Have Better Friends

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he
was still there.

[Psycom5k]

Why Men Have Better Friends

Friendship between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband
that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he
had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he
was still there.

Damn Skippy

[ferretchucker]

Did you hear the joke about the deaf man?







































Neither did he.

[newb]

A man returned home from the night shift at 8 am, went straight up to the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, feigning sleep. Not to be denied, the horny fellow pulled up the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, as he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd you get down here so fast?", he asked, "we were just making love." "Oh my God", his wife gasped, "that's my mother up there! She came over with a headache. I told her to lie down for a while!"

Rushing upstairs, the woman ran into the bedroom. "Why didn't you say something!", she asked her mother. "I haven't spoken to that jerk in fifteen years", she huffed, "and I wasn't about to start now!"

[missmacabre]

A man was found drown in a pool of milk with a banana in his ear. The police suspect a cereal killer. :D

[Psycom5k]

A man was found drown in a pool of milk with a banana in his ear. The police suspect a cereal killer. :D

How are a horse with a hurt leg and Missmacabre's joke the same?


They're both lame. :cool: :D

[missmacabre]

How are a horse with a hurt leg and Missmacabre's joke the same?


They're both lame. :cool: :D

Can get some wine to go along with Psycom's cheesy joke?

:D that just so happens to be my sense of humour for ya.

[Psycom5k]

Can get some wine to go along with Psycom's cheesy joke?

:D that just so happens to be my sense of humour for ya.

I'm sorry to hear that, I hope that problem clears up soon. :D

[ferretchucker]

what happened when the snail saw his friend get trod on?


He got shell shocked.

[newb]

Three women -- one engaged, one married and one a mistress -- are
chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That
night all three will wear black leather lingerie, stiletto heels and a
mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch. The engaged woman: The
other night when my boyfriend came over he found me in black leather
lingerie, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the
woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and
I was wearing the leather lingerie, heels, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had
wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for
the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather
lingerie, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon
as he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?'

[newb]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


- What troubles you, Sister? asked the Mother Superior, I thought this was
the day you spent with your family.

- It was, sighed the Sister, and I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.

- I seem to recall that, the Mother Superior agreed. So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?

- Far from it, snorted the Sister. In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!

- Goodness, Sister! gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. You must tell me all about it!

- Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying
straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!

- Oh my! commiserated the Mother. How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

- No, that wasn't it, admitted Sister. While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!

- Oh, that would have made me blaspheme! sympathized the Mother.

- But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!

- So that's when you cursed, said the Mother with a knowing smile.

- Nope, that wasn't it either, cried the Sister, anguished, because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... - You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?

[Dante'sInferno]

My dad told me this one.


What do you do if you see your wife staggering outside in the backyard in the middle of the night?






Shoot the bitch again.

[Angra]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


- What troubles you, Sister? asked the Mother Superior, I thought this was
the day you spent with your family.

- It was, sighed the Sister, and I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.

- I seem to recall that, the Mother Superior agreed. So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?

- Far from it, snorted the Sister. In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!

- Goodness, Sister! gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. You must tell me all about it!

- Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying
straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!

- Oh my! commiserated the Mother. How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

- No, that wasn't it, admitted Sister. While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!

- Oh, that would have made me blaspheme! sympathized the Mother.

- But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!

- So that's when you cursed, said the Mother with a knowing smile.

- Nope, that wasn't it either, cried the Sister, anguished, because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... - You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?



That was...... long.

[ferretchucker]

An inflatable boy goes to an inflatable school full of inflatable people and children. One day he gets angry and goes around with a needle popping everything. When he's finished and the mess is being cleared up, the headmaster calls him over.

Headmaster - "I'm very dissapointed in you. You left me down, you've let yourself down you've let the whole school down!"

[Papillon Noir]

My dad told me this one.


What do you do if you see your wife staggering outside in the backyard in the middle of the night?






Shoot the bitch again.

You have a lovely family.

[Dante'sInferno]

You have a lovely family.Yeah he said that someone told him that one.So he told it to me.Yeah I know, my family is lovely.:o


I'm sorry.

[newb]

Best beer commercial ever.

*WARNING...If you are of a prudish or sensitive nature...DO NOT VIEW....Sexual content*


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fKSlRJT5dw

[ferretchucker]

Best beer commercial ever.

*WARNING...If you are of a prudish or sensitive nature...DO NOT VIEW....Sexual content*


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fKSlRJT5dw

My eyes! My innocent eyes!

[The Flayed One]

Why did the farmer start listening to jazz?


Because he was tired of Hall & Oats!

[newb]

Why did the farmer start listening to jazz?


Because he was tired of Hall & Oats!

BOO.....HISS



that was actually pretty funny:D

[_____V_____]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FS6ktJ7wxxY

[_____V_____]

and


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1EvouyRMMLA

[The Flayed One]

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringin' to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."



Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last! spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."

[newb]

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringin' to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."



Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs, amused; "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day.

"Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last! spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day.

"Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac. I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."


lol.....damn drunken Irishmen......wait...I'm Irish


that explains a lot

[urgeok2]

Three women -- one engaged, one married and one a mistress -- are
chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That
night all three will wear black leather lingerie, stiletto heels and a
mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch. The engaged woman: The
other night when my boyfriend came over he found me in black leather
lingerie, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the
woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and
I was wearing the leather lingerie, heels, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had
wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for
the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather
lingerie, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon
as he came in the door and saw me he said,

'What's for dinner, Batman?'


this one was a HUGE hit where my wife works

[The Flayed One]

This feels like the good old days again. Sitting in my office with not a lot to do, posting back & forth with newb, urge & the rest of the gang. It's good to be home:)

[_____V_____]

Phone call from Daddy:

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy!"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says . . ..

"Swimming pool??
...Is this 555-7039??????"

"No."

Click............

[newb]

This feels like the good old days again. Sitting in my office with not a lot to do, posting back & forth with newb, urge & the rest of the gang. It's good to be home:)

We still have to get a few back fulltime [ Bloodrayne, Shanks, zero, and it would be nice if zwoti posted a bit more :D ]

[fortunato]

Phone call from Daddy:

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy!"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says . . ..

"Swimming pool??
...Is this 555-7039??????"

"No."

Click............

hahaha

that's the best one i've heard in a while.

-----------------

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

[fortunato]

We still have to get a few back fulltime [ Bloodrayne, Shanks, zero, and it would be nice if zwoti posted a bit more :D ]

it is incredibly exciting to have so many longtime regulars back.
when i signed up, i pretty much became one of those noobs that makes the intro post, and a few more, then forgets about the account after a while.
when i first came back regularly last summer, this place was mostly dead.
it's so great to see it bustling and thriving again, thanks to the tireless efforts of _v_, the wonderful regulars, the wonderful returning regulars, and a few great new members.

[hammerfan]

If College Students Wrote the Bible

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning cold
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five - double-spaced and written in a large font
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit re-selling
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to [email protected]
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen
Instead of God creating the world in six days resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before he had to get it done

[alkytrio666]

If College Students Wrote the Bible

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning cold
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five - double-spaced and written in a large font
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit re-selling
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to [email protected]
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen
Instead of God creating the world in six days resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before he had to get it done
Hahaha, funny stuff!

[hammerfan]

Hahaha, funny stuff!


Thank you! :D I got it from my church newsletter.

[urgeok2]

this made me laugh ..


although i like cats - here's an excellent argument against them :

http://ca.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=43507539

[_____V_____]

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g12/ravenavi/dear_john_small.jpg

[_____V_____]

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g12/ravenavi/funny35r.gif

[newb]

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g12/ravenavi/funny35r.gif

that reminds me



http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v259/rockinmule/winneroftheworsthuntingdogaward.jpg

[_____V_____]

This one's for newb...

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g12/ravenavi/beer_20hels_20ugly.jpg

[_____V_____]

Seriously, toymakers ought to be more responsible...

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g12/ravenavi/broomstick_small.jpg

[newb]

This one's for newb...

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g12/ravenavi/beer_20hels_20ugly.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v259/rockinmule/beautiful-princess-old-woman-six-be.gif

[pinkfloyd45769]

Seriously, toymakers ought to be more responsible...

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g12/ravenavi/broomstick_small.jpg

Now thats some shit!!!I want one;)

[_____V_____]

Now thats some shit!!!I want one;)

The one you already have isnt good enough?

Geez, woman! :D

[pinkfloyd45769]

The one you already have isnt good enough?

Geez, woman! :D

HEY!!I like Harry Potter:p

[hammerfan]

HEY!!I like Harry Potter:p


Get the broomstick and picture him on Broadway in Equus! :D

[pinkfloyd45769]

Get the broomstick and picture him on Broadway in Equus! :D

God you guys..do you think i would do that???:D

[_____V_____]

God you guys..do you think i would do that???:D

Umm lemme think...


...yes. :)

[hammerfan]

God you guys..do you think i would do that???:D


*giggle* Just sayin.........puttin' the image in your head.....:D

[_____V_____]

Let's have some signs...


http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll288/jdstover/sign.jpg


http://i68.photobucket.com/albums/i8/owenbaby/sign.jpg


http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g123/happydude20/Other/funny.jpg


http://i484.photobucket.com/albums/rr205/heartless_bitch201988/look.jpg


http://i259.photobucket.com/albums/hh284/paul0622/sign.jpg

[newb]

http://www.thefunnypage.com/signs2/3.jpg

[Despare]

http://www.premierphotographer.com/funny_signs_1.jpg

http://www.premierphotographer.com/funny_signs_4.jpg

http://www.premierphotographer.com/funny_signs_8.jpg

[Posher778]

I love the stone weather one..... Indians have it ALL figured out.

[_____V_____]

http://i410.photobucket.com/albums/pp190/miskimberly/Funny_Pictures_Animated_Calvin_Ah-A.gif

Gesundheit.

[_____V_____]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here.'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the entire scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'


Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

So the next time you pick on Newb, NE or Urge, think again.

[Freak]

Some good ol sign fails.

http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s30/TheMantis24/colorfail.jpg
http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s30/TheMantis24/untitled.jpg
http://i148.photobucket.com/albums/s30/TheMantis24/untitleda.jpg

[stubbornforgey]

kids in grade school were told to write an essay about their parents job.

little sue wrote ..my dads a semen :o

[stubbornforgey]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here.'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the entire scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'


Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts .. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

So the next time you pick on Newb, NE or Urge, think again.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
now thats funny

[ferretchucker]

http://i130.photobucket.com/albums/p255/ferretchucker/funny-pictures-cat-curses-imaginary.jpg

[_____V_____]

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "You betcha!"

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."

The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"

The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

[_____V_____]

IF DR. SEUSS WROTE FOR STAR TREK

Picard
Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?
Data
Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days 'til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?
Picard
LaForge, please give us factor nine.
Geordi
But, sir, the engines are offline!
Picard
Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!
Riker
But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!
Picard
But surely we must not be late!
Troi
I'm sensing anger and great ire.
Computer
Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!
Picard
The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?
Riker
Not me.
Worf
Not me.
Picard
Computer, how long til we die?
Computer
Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data
May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...
Geordi
Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!
Picard
Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.
Troi
We still must save the Indran planet --
Data
Which (by the way) is made of granite...
Picard
Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.
Geordi
There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.
Riker
We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!
Troi
We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?
Worf
Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.
Troi
Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?
Crusher
Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!
Picard
Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.
Crusher
They may be dead by Tuesday noon.
*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*
Worf
The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun --
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.
Picard
Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?
Worf
I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.
Riker
My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!
Crusher
Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!
Picard
LaForge, please tell me we can go...?
Geordi
Yes, sir, we can.
Picard
Then make it so!

THE END

[monalisa]

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to
consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following
suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making
love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife
fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man
and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the
wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make
love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same
strapping young man.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an
enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,

'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'

[newb]

Apple announced today that it has developed a
breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699,
depending on cup and
speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough
because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts
and not listening to them.

[monalisa]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'

Have you ever been in the military service?'
Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.'

Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'

The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A..M. every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'

This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

[monalisa]

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.' :p :D

[monalisa]

A DEA agent, together with an ATF and an FBI agent, as part of a task force, arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska. The agents tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government with us." Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running for their lives and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badges! Show him your badges!"

[monalisa]

Here's something to think about:

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him…
Do you think I'll live to be 80?

He asked, do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
Oh no, I replied. I'm not doing drugs, either!
Then he asked, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
I said, no, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?
No, I don't, I said.
He asked, do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?
No, I said.
He looked at me and said, then, why do you even give a shit?
:D

[Angra]

Here's something to think about:

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him…
Do you think I'll live to be 80?

He asked, do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?
Oh no, I replied. I'm not doing drugs, either!
Then he asked, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
I said, no, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!
Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?
No, I don't, I said.
He asked, do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?
No, I said.
He looked at me and said, then, why do you even give a shit?
:D


HA!! :D :D

[scouse mac]

Hello, welcome to the psychiatric Hotline. If you are
obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple
personalities, please press 3, 4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so
please stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little
voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one
will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal-retentive, please hold.

[scouse mac]

Signs you're a Redneck Jedi:


-You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

-Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

-You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

-At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

-You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

-You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

-You has ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have
to wait for a commercial.

-You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

-Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark
side...it'll be a hoot."

-You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to
get the barbecue grill to light up.

-You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

-You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

-You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

-Although you had to kill him, you kind of thought that Jabba the Hutt had a
pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

-You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

-You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

-You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

-If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

[monalisa]

This is hilarious! http://www.parkwayreststop.com/archives/2937

[scouse mac]

Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.
Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.
One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all of his competitors in the category of wooden dolls by selling them at a fraction of the cost others had to charge for them. Upon examining his dolls closely, they found that where hard wood was traditionally used, this Native American would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at an incredibly reduced price.
While he claimed his dolls were still authentic Indian dolls, his competitors complained that they were only...... cheap Sioux veneers

[scouse mac]

There are better things in life than alcohol, but at least alcohol makes up for not having them.

Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.


I subscribe to the Psychotherapy Journal. I've got a lot of issues.


I got to work today and was horrified to find a dead, semi-naked man lay across a table. Shaken by this discovery, I called the emergency services for assistance.
The operator calmly reminded me that I work in a funeral home, and politely asked I stop calling them every morning.


Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage

[_____V_____]

Some presents for newb. Enjoy. ;)


TUI

1hCgrg0Fg3w


ISENBECK

G2barrvTq8s

ucU0lFsWwY0


TUBORG

igSjxSajY00


ARIANA/APUANA

k8M3m_NYtaI


BAVARIA

v9oYYoQlIdE



And umm...Ferret, dont watch these.

[monalisa]

WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart, and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a
deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with huge boobs and a nice ass
who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End

:p :D

[scouse mac]

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a
deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with huge boobs and a nice ass
who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End

:p :D



I dont like the assumption that us blokes all like golf! :)

[newb]

I dont like the assumption that us blokes all like golf! :)

agreed......the rest is pretty much on target though

[crabapple]

I thought I would take a moment to do some publicity for my alternative to "poo nuts" ... remember that y0u always also have the option to say "rat nuts," it is almost as good and in some situations it is better. You might spill your morning coffee--as I did, this morning--and you can say, "Rat nuts!" and this is a very funny way to add some humor to a small misfortune and make your day a little lighter.

ratt nutz!!

ratt nutz!!

[newb]

I thought I would take a moment to do some publicity for my alternative to "poo nuts" ... remember that y0u always also have the option to say "rat nuts," it is almost as good and in some situations it is better. You might spill your morning coffee--as I did, this morning--and you can say, "Rat nuts!" and this is a very funny way to add some humor to a small misfortune and make your day a little lighter.

ratt nutz!!

ratt nutz!!

I don't like it


it just doesn't flow as well as "poo-nuts"


its got no feng shui

[crabapple]

yes, I am aware of that

but, give it a try!

it is a new thing of words and it deserves its day in the sun like poo nuts does

please show your compassionate side and say "ratt nutz" at least once today.

[newb]

yes, I am aware of that

but, give it a try!

it is a new thing of words and it deserves its day in the sun like poo nuts does

please show your compassionate side and say "ratt nutz" at least once today.

sorry....I won't do it

[crabapple]

ahhhhhhh ch ch ch ch ch ch ch! grrrrrr

am so very angry, you will not say ratt nutz!! yahhhh


http://www.scarysquirrel.org/photos/rut1.jpg

[_____V_____]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her,
'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'

So, KAZAM-
she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said,
'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. '
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'

So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish,

and she answered,
'I'd like to have a heart attack.'


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

[monalisa]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too . Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

[_____V_____]

Warning - If you want your mind to remain sane after 3 minutes and 51 seconds, don't click this.

tZaTFmEL-l0

[newb]

Warning - If you want your mind to remain sane after 3 minutes and 51 seconds, don't click this.

tZaTFmEL-l0

nice



....................................

[_____V_____]

A real billboard erected somewhere in New Zealand for an upcoming TV airing of Mary Harron's film...

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g12/ravenavi/psycho122709.jpg

[missmacabre]

http://img.funtasticus.com/2008/apr/ds1448/daily_selection029.jpg
Poor kid. :(

[_____V_____]

ROFL!

bBBw9E2Q_aY


"So why don't you make like a tree. and get out of here!"


...did I mention I LOVE it? :D

[newb]

8bJvAU3RZWU

Where else you gonna hear this.......but on Neverending Radio.


IT AIN'T JUST FOR HALLOWEEN

http://www.neverendingwonder.com/

[crabapple]

Weeeeeeell, on Christmas I am gonna listen to some Christmas comedy records, and maybe a nice little beer or maybe, just maybe, an EGG NOG. Keep it simple.

[_____V_____]

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g12/ravenavi/428202_333166710039853_295594783797046_1039757_824 506068_n.jpg

[newb]

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g12/ravenavi/428202_333166710039853_295594783797046_1039757_824 506068_n.jpg

There's a job I wouldn't mind getting up for.




get it...."getting up"


forget it:rolleyes:

[ManchestrMorgue]

Yeah, you would want to make sure that the job wasn't completed on the first day at the office.

[roshiq]

Fucking douchebag neighborhood!:D

[ChronoGrl]

teeheehee

http://jimromenesko.com/2012/02/02/suffolk-journal-apologizes-for-profane-headline/

http://jimromenesko.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/screen-shot-2012-02-02-at-11-50-54-am.png

[ferretchucker]

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g12/ravenavi/428202_333166710039853_295594783797046_1039757_824 506068_n.jpg

They look like each other and...they're both sterile? Thar be inbreeding in tha' town, I tellsya!

[newb]

Joe goes to the Super Bowl. His seat is in the nosebleed section, but at least he's at the Super Bowl.

He starts looking around the stadium with his binoculars and sees a guy about 5 rows off the field on the 50 yard line with an empty seat beside him. This is driving Joe nuts, so at half time, he goes down and asks the guy why he has a vacant seat in such a choice location.

The guy says, "My wife and I bought these seats a long time ago. But unfortunately, she passed away."

"Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that", Joe says, "But why didn't you give the ticket to another relative or a friend?"

The guy replies: "They're all at the funeral."


GO PATS

[_____V_____]

Remember Predator 2's climax inside the spaceship?

THIS is the part they never showed to any of you.

And yes - that's Danny Glover.


ljEC7HKbP0g

[hammerfan]

Remember Predator 2's climax inside the spaceship?

THIS is the part they never showed to any of you.

And yes - that's Danny Glover.


ljEC7HKbP0g

ROFL! That's hysterical!

[_____V_____]

Plagued by Samara? Never fear.

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g12/ravenavi/86334_v0_460x1.jpg

[_____V_____]

What will you do if you receive...

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g12/ravenavi/562442_232036676909405_169491356497271_388491_1640 846533_n.jpg

[wizard of gore]

Rofalolar!

[hammerfan]

Just felt like bumping this.

[Straker]

Just felt like bumping this.

:eek:

.....

[hammerfan]

:eek:

.....

I said bumping, not humping! :D

[Straker]

I said bumping, not humping! :D

Way to break a guys heart. :(

[hammerfan]

Way to break a guys heart. :(

LOL. Eww, that's gross!

[Angra]

I think it's hot.

But what the hell, i'm kinky. :cool:

[_____V_____]

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g12/ravenavi/4827685_700b_v1-500x374.jpg

[_____V_____]

A young man was lost in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

Man: ”I’m lost, can you put me up for the night?”

Chinese Man: “Certainly, but one condition - If you lay a finger on my daughter, I’ll inflict upon you the 3 worst Chinese tortures known to man!"

“OK”, said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, pretty and had a cute figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Late at night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear.

Near daybreak, he crept back to his room, tired but happy.

He woke up to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

“Chinese torture 1: Large Rock on chest."

Man: "Ah! If that’s the best the old man can do, then I don’t have much to worry about.”

He picked the rock up, walked over to the window and threw the rock out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:

”Chinese torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic, he saw that the rope that was already getting close to the end. He glanced down and noticed that the ground was about 100 feet down. Feeling that a few broken bones was better than being castrated, he jumped out of the window after the rock.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

“Chinese torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

[wizard of gore]

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g12/ravenavi/4827685_700b_v1-500x374.jpg

few countrys missing there

[wizard of gore]

A young man was lost in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

Man: ”I’m lost, can you put me up for the night?”

Chinese Man: “Certainly, but one condition - If you lay a finger on my daughter, I’ll inflict upon you the 3 worst Chinese tortures known to man!"

“OK”, said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, pretty and had a cute figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Late at night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear.

Near daybreak, he crept back to his room, tired but happy.

He woke up to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

“Chinese torture 1: Large Rock on chest."

Man: "Ah! If that’s the best the old man can do, then I don’t have much to worry about.”

He picked the rock up, walked over to the window and threw the rock out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:

”Chinese torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic, he saw that the rope that was already getting close to the end. He glanced down and noticed that the ground was about 100 feet down. Feeling that a few broken bones was better than being castrated, he jumped out of the window after the rock.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

“Chinese torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

:D crack up

[roshiq]

A young man was lost in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

Man: ”I’m lost, can you put me up for the night?”

Chinese Man: “Certainly, but one condition - If you lay a finger on my daughter, I’ll inflict upon you the 3 worst Chinese tortures known to man!"

“OK”, said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, pretty and had a cute figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Late at night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear.

Near daybreak, he crept back to his room, tired but happy.

He woke up to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

“Chinese torture 1: Large Rock on chest."

Man: "Ah! If that’s the best the old man can do, then I don’t have much to worry about.”

He picked the rock up, walked over to the window and threw the rock out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:

”Chinese torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic, he saw that the rope that was already getting close to the end. He glanced down and noticed that the ground was about 100 feet down. Feeling that a few broken bones was better than being castrated, he jumped out of the window after the rock.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

“Chinese torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

Fascinating! Who knows probably the Chinese guy switched the room with his daughter that night :D

[The Villain]

A young man was lost in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

Man: ”I’m lost, can you put me up for the night?”

Chinese Man: “Certainly, but one condition - If you lay a finger on my daughter, I’ll inflict upon you the 3 worst Chinese tortures known to man!"

“OK”, said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, pretty and had a cute figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Late at night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear.

Near daybreak, he crept back to his room, tired but happy.

He woke up to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

“Chinese torture 1: Large Rock on chest."

Man: "Ah! If that’s the best the old man can do, then I don’t have much to worry about.”

He picked the rock up, walked over to the window and threw the rock out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read:

”Chinese torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic, he saw that the rope that was already getting close to the end. He glanced down and noticed that the ground was about 100 feet down. Feeling that a few broken bones was better than being castrated, he jumped out of the window after the rock.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

“Chinese torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

That hurts just to read

[newb]

That hurts just to read

agreed

ouch!

[_____V_____]

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had a really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and asked the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 8th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 12th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment some way below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this; I'm naked with a woman, her husband pounds on the door and starts yelling, so I run and hide inside a refrigerator...."

[newb]

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had a really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and asked the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 8th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

"Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 12th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment some way below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this; I'm naked with a woman, her husband pounds on the door and starts yelling, so I run and hide inside a refrigerator...."

lol.........................:D

[cheebacheeba]

Guy says to his wife on wednesday
"Hey, you're coming fishing with me and the dog on the weekend"
She says she doesn't want to go...
He tells her if she doesn't come she's either going to suck his dick or take it up the ass before he leaves - she has until Friday to decide.

Come Friday, he tells his wife to get ready after packing some fishing gear.
She says that she's still not coming.
"Ok, so what's it to be then?"
She says "Pull your pants down I'm giving you head".

She goes at it, and stops and gags after about 10 seconds.
"What the fuck? Your dick tastes like shit!"
He says he knows.
"The dog didn't want to come fishing either"

[_____V_____]

^ Nice one, cheebs.



A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds:

"He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too!"

[_____V_____]

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g12/ravenavi/4936016_460s_v1.jpg

[hammerfan]

ROFL! Love it!

[roshiq]

Great stuff, V! Loved them all, keep them coming:D

[Dara]

http://i1180.photobucket.com/albums/x411/stingle8/YxtKQ2.jpg

[Dara]

http://i1180.photobucket.com/albums/x411/stingle8/why-dogs-are-better.jpg

[hammerfan]

http://i1180.photobucket.com/albums/x411/stingle8/YxtKQ2.jpg

ROFL! The fourth one is me!

[hammerfan]

http://i1180.photobucket.com/albums/x411/stingle8/why-dogs-are-better.jpg

That's Lucy! Cherokee, on the other hand, LOVES to have her belly rubbed.

[hammerfan]

I don't know how to do the thing where the actual video is shown and not just the link, sorry.

http://youtu.be/wf_IIbT8HGk

[Dara]

I don't know how to do the thing where the actual video is shown and not just the link, sorry.

http://youtu.be/wf_IIbT8HGkAAAAW kitties!!!http://i1180.photobucket.com/albums/x411/stingle8/561420_3548756839366_938582081_n.jpg