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Flick Chick Staci / Horror.com: Darren Bousman, the director of Repo! The Genetic Opera, didn't even bother to cast a real actor in your role. Furthermore, I understand that when the movie comes out, the reality of your contribution to the famous Genetic Opera will be greatly diminished. What did you think of Darren Smith's depiction of you?
Bandleader: One word: disappointing. You ask what I think of Mr. Smith? What does the magnificent statue think of the pigeon that soils it? But really, only an ass would worry about that now. What really chafes my heinie is that the cinematic vulgarians who made Repo! completely missed the actual story: The real Genetic Opera is about The Bandleader's struggle against lies, stupidity, cowardice, and the common herd! That's what these cretins missed in their paean to mediocrity, seeker.
I understand you met with him for his preparation for The Bandleader's big scene at the Genetic Opera. Did he want to meet you to pick up your mannerisms for the role… even though most of it wound up on the cutting room floor?
Look - I try to be patient with subordinates, but Mr. Smith was truly exasperating. Never did the boy show me the slightest respect. He was coarse and obtuse – he simply couldn't comprehend that The Bandleader is the true star here! Sure, this shirtless sitarist had the body of an Adonis, but Mr. Smith played my role like a buffoon – yes, a frisky buffoon! Did you see him skipping down that aisle? I do not skip. Ever.
Everyone knows what the Genetic Opera is — after all, the tragic events which took place there were on the news for weeks. But how did you first hear of the event, and how were you chosen to lead the band?
How was I chosen? I was ordained by my God - who I call the Mother Gene - to create the Genetic Opera. So I guess God had something to do with it. Although in truth, I did more work than She did!
How many instruments can you play?
Frankly, only a fool would ask this. But since I am a serene being, I will indulge your idiocy: I don't play instruments. I work them. I am expert in 4,293 instruments, with my best being the sitar, the triangle, the kazoo, the Theremin, and most expertly, the Celestial tambourine.
What's your favorite, and why?
When I agreed to this interview, it was understood that there would be NO PERSONAL QUESTIONS! “As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to her folly” Proverbs 26:11.
It's rumored you have a deal to write, produce and direct a Broadway play based upon your experiences with the Largo family. Is this sort of your retort to the Repo! The Genetic Opera movie?
My new opera will be playing next season. To the unwashed masses, my work will probably be compared with Wagner's. Well, I am like Wagner, if only our Herr of Beyreuth could have written a decent melody! Give me the delicious Gesamptkunstwerk of a Franz Liszt any day! But, as I was saying, my new work's called Lebensraum. But the fools will probably rename it Sawmanzo's Castrati.
You and Blind Mag, the star of the Opera, were good friends. I know it's painful, but please tell me something about how the two of you met, and your working relationship in the music world.
When Blind Mag and I performed together we could turn a Neapolitan Second into a Tristan Chord. But it's too painful to talk further about her…
Your past is kind of shrouded in mystery; were you ever on the Z? Do you have any innards that you were not born with? To what do you attribute all this frenzy for opiates and opulence nowadays?
In all due immodesty, when you're born with an almost inhuman talent, why on Earth would you need to ask for more? That said, back at Princeton, I once experimented with an innard I wasn't born with.
I hope you don't mind, but I do have a few color questions…
Racist! I will not allow this interview to descend to the level of Porgy and Bess!
Please. I'll be fired if I don't ask these. You fans want to know more about you. They love you. So, what was your first real job? How old were you?
Folding three foot penis cards in New York City. I was so young, I had to stand on a chair to reach puberty.
What's your most-secret guilty pleasure?
Central Asian throat singing! Oh, and I also like batons!
If you could live your life in any opera, which one would you choose and which character would you be?
All my operas are my favorite! My operas are my children – exalted, then beaten into submission. I suppose if I had to choose though, my favorite aria is "Blame Not My Cheeks" from my opera Perry Merry Dictum Domini. Originally sung by Blind Mag, my eyes tear every time I hear those lines of beauty:
"Blame not my cheeks, though pale with love they be!
O have you felt the wool of the beaver?
Or the nard of the fire?
Or tasted the bag of the bee?"
What was your favorite movie when you were a kid?
It would have to be Il Giovane Toscanini. I'd probably watched that about 1,000 times before I could even speak a word. And, gosh, anything with Tony Randall in it! Is this interview over? I think I'd like to twist your head off and go bowling.
Gary Glitter called. He wants his blue lipstick back. Reaction?
Who's Gary Glitter? Is he an alto? Sounds like an alto, with a name like that. Besides, my facial enhancement is cobalt, not blue. And it's genetically applied, not lipstick. Please.
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