By the time the inevitable, anguished lament comes from one of the doomed characters – “But we’re American tourists! They will be looking for us!” – comes, it is too late for him. And you, should you find yourself ensnared by the allure of the vile vines on the movie poster for this big screen adaptation of Scott Smith’s bestselling novel of the same name.

The Ruins stars a solid cast of young horror Hollywood – Jena Malone got blood cred in Donnie Darko; Jonathan Tucker was in an episode of Masters of Horror; Shawn Ashmore starred in Solstice, and Laura Ramsey was in The Covenant —; Stephen King unabashedly adored The Ruins novel; and the author himself wrote the screenplay. Sounds like a solid hit, right out the gate.

The Turistas-like story follows two young couples vacationing in a Mexican jungle-wonderland, soaking up the sun and enjoying all the amenities their fancy hotel has to offer, when they meet another tourist – Mathias (Joe Anderson). The amiable, heavily-accented Mathias is from Germany, and he’s looking for his brother, who went into the mountains in search of archeological artifacts and fun, but never returned. He left a map, and, Mathias explains to his new friends, it looks like there could be some adventure to be had. The guys are tired of staying poolside, so they talk the girls into going off the beaten path.

No sooner can you say, “Don’t go out there!” than the characters do just that. As in the book, the five find themselves rounded up by menacing locals, herded, and driven up a vine-covered pyramid of dirt and rock. They have no transportation, no cell phones, and no clue.

Mathias is convinced that his brother is just a heartbeat away, and the sound of his ringtone coming from the bottom of an empty well confirms his hope. Mathias rigs himself on a rope, and the others lower him… and drop him. He breaks his back, and it’s up to the Americans to save his life. Now he’s in real trouble. Meanwhile, the unwilling guardians of the pyramid, and its evil plant-life, are making sure that the human sacrifices don’t leave the area.

It’s no secret that the vines are the villains here, and it is them imitating these sounds they’ve heard from their victims (ringing phones, people whispering, crying, moaning – but unlike the book, they don’t articulate four-letter words). Mathias and Stacy, with their cuts and injuries, are the first to fall prey to invasive, blood-red and blood-thirsty plants. Taken out of context, the suspense and death scenes are quite gripping and horrifying – but then you add in the stupidity of the characters’ actions, the extreme over-acting, the CGI factor, and the aggressive score, and you’ve got unintentional comedy.

At one point, when the flowers are “singing”, I wanted Steve Martin to come out and belt out a tune from Little Shop of Horrors. (Or even a Robert Plant cameo would have been nice.) By the time the inevitable and incongruous pop song bursts through the end-credits, you’ll either be laughing, feeling let down, or you might have liked it.

Those from my pre-release screening group reported variations on those reactions – I had a mixture of the three. Having read the book, I knew what to expect to some extent. I wasn’t hopeful, so I can’t complain that I was entertained for all the wrong reasons… but at least I was entertained by his future Golden Turkey nominee. I'd see it again, but a couple of Cadillac Margaritas will have to be involved.

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Related Horror.com Articles:

• The Ruins - Behind The Scenes Video [1]
• The Ruins - Cast Interviews Video [2]
• The Ruins - Carter Smith (Director) Interview [3]