Joke Thread

[waffle]

I come from a very traditional family. When I was seven, my Uncle Terry hanged himself on Christmas Eve. My family didn't take his body down until the sixth of January.

I was surprised how Muslims reacted to the Danish cartoons. I thought: "How can you get this worked up about a cartoon?" But then I remembered how angry I was when they gave Scooby Doo a cousin.

"If a dog's tail is still wagging, then how can that be rape?"

Have you noticed the way that burns victims stick together?

They say being a hostage is difficult. But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.


I can't find a woman anywhere who will touch me with a shitty stick. Fair enough. It is a bit of an unusual request.

[Miss Olivia]

LOL

What do soybeans and dildos have in common?
They're both meat substitutes.

How do you identify a bull dyke?
She kicks starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they screw?
They have cotton balls.

[bloodrayne]

An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"

Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in Aisle D."

The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband.

The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"

The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"

"Lard ass."

[bloodrayne]

[bloodrayne]

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

All I ask .. is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity

How can there be self-help "groups"?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[bloodrayne]

The Plus Sign

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.

His parents had tried everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.

In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.

Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

[bloodrayne]

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

That leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of these there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied, outside of this
country, with finding Osama Bin-Laden.

This leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, statistics show that there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.


And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

[stubbornforgey]

Originally posted by bloodrayne
The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

That leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of these there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied, outside of this
country, with finding Osama Bin-Laden.

This leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, statistics show that there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.


And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

LOL..
well some one has to do it !!

[bloodrayne]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

[stubbornforgey]

Originally posted by scouse mac
We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:-

Please note.... these are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. if we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, its like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.

fuck gonna snag this one too to show my freinds LOL