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#41
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best gags from this year's edinburgh festival
I come from a very traditional family. When I was seven, my Uncle Terry hanged himself on Christmas Eve. My family didn't take his body down until the sixth of January.
I was surprised how Muslims reacted to the Danish cartoons. I thought: "How can you get this worked up about a cartoon?" But then I remembered how angry I was when they gave Scooby Doo a cousin. "If a dog's tail is still wagging, then how can that be rape?" Have you noticed the way that burns victims stick together? They say being a hostage is difficult. But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back. I can't find a woman anywhere who will touch me with a shitty stick. Fair enough. It is a bit of an unusual request. |
#42
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LOL
What do soybeans and dildos have in common? They're both meat substitutes. How do you identify a bull dyke? She kicks starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons. Why don't bunnies make noise when they screw? They have cotton balls.
__________________
I'll kill you and your dreams tonight Begin new life Bleed your death upon me Let your bloodline feed my youth ------------------------------ Ssshhh....did you hear that? |
#43
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An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"
Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Lady, the Crisco is in Aisle D." The old lady replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband. The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?" The old lady answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public." "I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?" "Lard ass."
__________________
... ![]() If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance...Baffle 'em with bullshit My Karma ran over my Dogma God WAS my co-pilot...But, we crashed in the mountains and...I had to eat him I'm suffocating in what's become of me... The rancid remains of what I used to be |
#44
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![]() ![]() ![]()
__________________
... ![]() If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance...Baffle 'em with bullshit My Karma ran over my Dogma God WAS my co-pilot...But, we crashed in the mountains and...I had to eat him I'm suffocating in what's become of me... The rancid remains of what I used to be |
#45
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I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what? All I ask .. is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. They told me I was gullible and I believed them. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity How can there be self-help "groups"? What's another word for thesaurus? Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
__________________
... ![]() If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance...Baffle 'em with bullshit My Karma ran over my Dogma God WAS my co-pilot...But, we crashed in the mountains and...I had to eat him I'm suffocating in what's become of me... The rancid remains of what I used to be |
#46
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The Plus Sign
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
__________________
... ![]() If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance...Baffle 'em with bullshit My Karma ran over my Dogma God WAS my co-pilot...But, we crashed in the mountains and...I had to eat him I'm suffocating in what's become of me... The rancid remains of what I used to be |
#47
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The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school. That leaves 48 million to do the work. Of these there are 29 million employed by the federal government. Leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied, outside of this country, with finding Osama Bin-Laden. This leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals. Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, statistics show that there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes. Nice. Real nice.
__________________
... ![]() If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance...Baffle 'em with bullshit My Karma ran over my Dogma God WAS my co-pilot...But, we crashed in the mountains and...I had to eat him I'm suffocating in what's become of me... The rancid remains of what I used to be |
#48
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Quote:
LOL.. well some one has to do it !!
__________________
my opinion counts dammit so says my Lord :D |
#49
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THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. " Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
__________________
... ![]() If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance...Baffle 'em with bullshit My Karma ran over my Dogma God WAS my co-pilot...But, we crashed in the mountains and...I had to eat him I'm suffocating in what's become of me... The rancid remains of what I used to be |
#50
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Quote:
__________________
my opinion counts dammit so says my Lord :D |
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