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#431
11-25-2008, 12:40 PM
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An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief said, "You betcha!" When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi." Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi." After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?" The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuer. "No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."
__________________
"If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche 
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#432
11-25-2008, 01:02 PM
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IF DR. SEUSS WROTE FOR STAR TREK
Picard Sigma Indri, that's the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far? Data Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We'll have two days 'til we arrive But can the Indrans there survive? Picard LaForge, please give us factor nine. Geordi But, sir, the engines are offline! Picard Offline! But why? I want to go! Please make it so, please make it so! Riker But sir, if Geordi says we can't, We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't, The danger here is far too great! Picard But surely we must not be late! Troi I'm sensing anger and great ire. Computer Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire! Picard The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire? Riker Not me. Worf Not me. Picard Computer, how long til we die? Computer Eight minutes left to say goodbye. Data May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think, quite safely make Extinguishers from tractor beams And stop the fire, or so it seems... Geordi Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day! Again I say, Hurray! Hurray! Picard Mr. Data, thank you much. You've saved our lives, our ship, and such. Troi We still must save the Indran planet -- Data Which (by the way) is made of granite... Picard Enough, you android. Please desist. We understand -- we get your gist. But can we get our ship to go? Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so. Geordi There's sabotage among the wires And that's what started all the fires. Riker We have a saboteur? Oh, no! We need to go! We need to go! Troi We must seek out the traitor spy And lock him up and ask him why? Worf Ask him why? How sentimental. I say give him problems dental. Troi Are any Romulan ships around? Have scanners said that they've been found? Or is it Borg or some new threat We haven't even heard of yet? I sense no malice in this crew. Now what are we supposed to do? Crusher Captain, please, the Indrans need us. They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!" I can't just sit and let them die! A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try! Picard Doctor, please, we'll get there soon. Crusher They may be dead by Tuesday noon. *COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?* Worf The saboteur is in the brig. He's very strong and very big. I had my phaser set on stun -- A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one! He would not budge, he would not fall, He would not stun, no, not at all! He changed into a stranger form All soft and purple, round and warm. Picard Did you see this, Mr. Worf? Did you see this creature morph? Worf I did and then I beat him fairly. Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely. Riker My commendations, Klingon friend! Our troubles now are at an end! Crusher Now let's get our ship to fly And orbit yonder Indran sky! Picard LaForge, please tell me we can go...? Geordi Yes, sir, we can. Picard Then make it so! THE END
__________________
"If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche
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#433
11-28-2008, 12:50 PM
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No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi. The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.' They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.' Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, 'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'
__________________
 "There is no fuckin' ice cream in your fuckin' future." -Otis "Once in a while ya get shown the light, in the strangest of places if ya look at it right." -RH&JG "Do your best, fuck the rest." -Me "Onward, through the fog..." -Me
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#434
02-26-2009, 08:49 AM
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Apple announced today that it has developed a
breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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#435
03-19-2009, 01:58 PM
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A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?' He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.' Have you ever been in the military service?' Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.' The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.' Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?' The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.' The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A..M. every day.' The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?' This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'
__________________
"There is no fuckin' ice cream in your fuckin' future." -Otis "Once in a while ya get shown the light, in the strangest of places if ya look at it right." -RH&JG "Do your best, fuck the rest." -Me "Onward, through the fog..." -Me
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#436
03-19-2009, 02:02 PM
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A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.' :p :D
__________________
"There is no fuckin' ice cream in your fuckin' future." -Otis "Once in a while ya get shown the light, in the strangest of places if ya look at it right." -RH&JG "Do your best, fuck the rest." -Me "Onward, through the fog..." -Me
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#437
03-20-2009, 08:55 PM
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A DEA agent, together with an ATF and an FBI agent, as part of a task force, arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska. The agents tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there." The DEA agent verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government with us." Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge? This badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running for their lives and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs..... "Your badges! Show him your badges!"
__________________
"There is no fuckin' ice cream in your fuckin' future." -Otis "Once in a while ya get shown the light, in the strangest of places if ya look at it right." -RH&JG "Do your best, fuck the rest." -Me "Onward, through the fog..." -Me
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#438
03-21-2009, 04:44 AM
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Here's something to think about:
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him… Do you think I'll live to be 80? He asked, do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine? Oh no, I replied. I'm not doing drugs, either! Then he asked, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? I said, no, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy! Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling? No, I don't, I said. He asked, do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex? No, I said. He looked at me and said, then, why do you even give a shit? :D
__________________
"There is no fuckin' ice cream in your fuckin' future." -Otis "Once in a while ya get shown the light, in the strangest of places if ya look at it right." -RH&JG "Do your best, fuck the rest." -Me "Onward, through the fog..." -Me
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#439
03-21-2009, 05:57 AM
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Quote:
HA!! :D :D
__________________
I'm right. It's the rest of the world that's wrong.
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#440
03-21-2009, 08:24 AM
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Hello, welcome to the psychiatric Hotline. If you are
obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4,5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so please stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random. If you are phobic, don't press anything. If you are anal-retentive, please hold.
__________________
  Battle Royalty, 2009 @Wolf_Scousemac
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