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#31
09-29-2008, 05:34 AM
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Quote:
I dont think fleshing it ou twill be abig deal, especially with the feedback i recieved. My story Justice got almost a full thrid added to it when my wife said that the villain needed more backstory because she didnt know WHY she should hate him. :) Confidence is high. Repeat, Confidence, is high. 
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#32
09-29-2008, 06:02 AM
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It should be.
__________________
Horror and Bizarro novelist and editor
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#34
09-29-2008, 07:53 AM
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Okay, its been reposted, and is now at 2001 words... It proved to be harder than i thought, especially because that is almost twice the original word count...
http://horror.com/forum/showthread.php?t=35613
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#35
09-29-2008, 04:16 PM
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I like the additions you made. It's good that the recorder is less understated now. I didn't catch that it was a recorder on the first read. And I liked that you slowed the pace down between the pig being killed and the creature coming back. I thought that made it a bit more suspenseful.
__________________
"Life is like a movie. Only you can't pick your genre."
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#36
09-30-2008, 06:10 AM
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Thank you :)
I have to admit, i was expecting "Wow, you really tried to cram another 756 words into that didnt you? Did you use KY and a shoe-horn?"; but I like what you said better :D And since they started this (the rewrite idea, anyway), I'm not letting this die until Doc F and Demonique weigh in on the changes.
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#37
09-30-2008, 07:19 PM
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it was pretty decent. I liked the ending and the thought of some small village that housed this creature in there wells, making sacrifices to this creature. And thinking that there was a horde of them made it just that much better. 3/5
__________________
IM DIRECTING THIS F*CKING MOO-VAY! As I was going up the stairs, I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today, I wish I wish he'd go away .
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#39
09-30-2008, 08:04 PM
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Quote:
I feel cool, my wife liked it, and she can be a harsh critic :)
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#40
10-01-2008, 05:01 AM
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Wow - I can see why your wife liked it - what was once a bares bones story has now grown beautiful bloody flesh dripping with descriptive narrative.
Here is my opinion for what it is worth... I read it through several times to give it the attention it deserves. Your description has added volumes. I had a prof that always stressed that "word choice and word order" was the secret to a well crafted work of art. This works in fiction as well as poetry. Some of your word choices and order that stand out for me are: "brandished the bloody weapon", "liaison's bestial husband", "terror rooting me as surely as a tree", and "sickening miasma of death". Miasma is a word so rarely used and very Lovecraftian. I think you dropped the word fruition from your third draft. I liked that one too. Anyway, this description adds such veracity to the suspension of disbelief. The back story of remembered references builds a more stable foundation to the ensuing narrative. I liked it. As soon as you mentioned dissappearances, Roanoke was the first thing to come to my mind. It was a great tie into a historical mystery and, again, gave more creedence to the narratve as a whole. The Lovecraftian inspiration comes through clearly. I was reminded of "The Unnameable" (I think it was titled) and the Shoggoths from "At the Mountains of Madness". All I can say is - wow - I really, really liked it. (Can you write some more?) Oh - and listen to Doc Faustus - you might want to look into submitting it.:D
__________________
Of course I'm out of my mind . . . It's dark and scary in there.
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