Feedback Request for a Script Im Writing

[Angelakillsluts]

Originally posted by The Flayed One
Much better! When I read the beginning now, before he goes to the bar, Clay seems like a real person to me. Bravo!

agreed.

[Dante'sInferno]

Originally posted by bwind22
Thanks for checking it out but the 2nd half of your post went way over my head. ;) No idea what you're talking about...

I can help you out if you want me too.


I'm also writing a horror movie.But i'm keeping it under close raps untill it comes out with its first trailer.




THEN











The impact of the Exorcist all over again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bwind22]

Originally posted by Dante'sInferno
I can help you out if you want me too.


I'm also writing a horror movie.But i'm keeping it under close raps untill it comes out with its first trailer.




THEN











The impact of the Exorcist all over again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, it's a good idea to keep it under wraps. I'm doing that too for the most part, but I wanted to show the first scene to some folks just to see what kinda feedback I got. (I'm glad I did too! All the feedback was very helpful!)

As for your offer to help, it's greatly appreciated, but I don't think I'll really be sharing any more than Scene 1 until I get this puppy in to production. Maybe once you finish up your film and I finish up this one, we can tag team on a script or something though. That'd be cool.


In completely unrelated news, I just got word that one of my co-stars in The Cabin will be producing his first feature in the very near future. It's called Room 451 and I don't know anything about it other than that. Haven't heard anything on a timeline, but I'd estimate it at about a 2007 release. To my knowledge they are still in the earliest planning stages but I live in St. Paul and he moved out to LA after we finished filming so I don't talk to him all that often any more. More info to follow once I hear it.

[Dante'sInferno]

Originally posted by bwind22
Yeah, it's a good idea to keep it under wraps. I'm doing that too for the most part, but I wanted to show the first scene to some folks just to see what kinda feedback I got. (I'm glad I did too! All the feedback was very helpful!)

As for your offer to help, it's greatly appreciated, but I don't think I'll really be sharing any more than Scene 1 until I get this puppy in to production. Maybe once you finish up your film and I finish up this one, we can tag team on a script or something though. That'd be cool.


In completely unrelated news, I just got word that one of my co-stars in The Cabin will be producing his first feature in the very near future. It's called Room 451 and I don't know anything about it other than that. Haven't heard anything on a timeline, but I'd estimate it at about a 2007 release. To my knowledge they are still in the earliest planning stages but I live in St. Paul and he moved out to LA after we finished filming so I don't talk to him all that often any more. More info to follow once I hear it.

Cool,I can't wait.:D

[bwind22]

CAnt wait for...


The Cabin?

Room 451?

or tag teaming a script?

[Dante'sInferno]

Tag teaming a script.:)

[bwind22]

Yeah, that could be cool. Although I'm not sure what we'd do with it once we wrote it. What state are you in?

[_____V_____]

coolly written opening...its good...cept the only thing I noticed was

[[ Clay saying to Nathan "What the fuck are you looking at?" then turnin the shotgun on himself and "bang!"]]

...instead of that why cant it be like this...

{{ Clay lowers his shotgun and stares at Mary's body on the floor, rapidly being sorrounded by a huge pool of her blood. He spits beside the body and wipes his lips, a bitter expression on his face.

Just then the telephone beside the settee rings. Clay takes two steps forwards and sinks down heavily into the settee, sneers once and picks up the phone...

SCHUNK!

Clay lets out a grunt and turns around, feeling the cold steel of a sharp object embedded deep inside his neck, piercing his spinal cord. He has one glance at Nathan's distorted, convoluted face before falling backwards on the floor, the kitchen knife going through his neck from the impact of the fall.

Nathan takes one look at Clay, and picks up the phone hanging by its wires.

A voice is yelling from the other side. "Hello? hello?! you there?!"

Nathan slowly replies "They are dead..." and stares at the camera with his deep bluish-grey eyes, looking enigmatic...}}

[bwind22]

Originally posted by _____V_____
coolly written opening...its good...cept the only thing I noticed was

[[ Clay saying to Nathan "What the fuck are you looking at?" then turnin the shotgun on himself and "bang!"]]

...instead of that why cant it be like this...

{{ Clay lowers his shotgun and stares at Mary's body on the floor, rapidly being sorrounded by a huge pool of her blood. He spits beside the body and wipes his lips, a bitter expression on his face.

Just then the telephone beside the settee rings. Clay takes two steps forwards and sinks down heavily into the settee, sneers once and picks up the phone...

SCHUNK!

Clay lets out a grunt and turns around, feeling the cold steel of a sharp object embedded deep inside his neck, piercing his spinal cord. He has one glance at Nathan's distorted, convoluted face before falling backwards on the floor, the kitchen knife going through his neck from the impact of the fall.

Nathan takes one look at Clay, and picks up the phone hanging by its wires.

A voice is yelling from the other side. "Hello? hello?! you there?!"

Nathan slowly replies "They are dead..." and stares at the camera with his deep bluish-grey eyes, looking enigmatic...}}

That's like a completely different opening altogether. The kid isn't going to kill anyone until adulthood when he snaps one day, so I can tell you that I definately won't be going in that direction, but thanks for the suggestion and also, thanks for checking out my scene.

[_____V_____]

yw...

I thought the script was an excellent premise too...till I saw Clay turning the shotgun on himself without any particular reason except he was drunk and pissed off...

if he felt remorse at what he did, it would have explained something...hence the suggestion...