The "NO DRAMA" thread

[StevenReynolds]

*golf clap*

[newb]

Originally posted by StevenReynolds
*golf clap*

I'm sorry....I couldn't hear you....this is the "NO DRAMA" thread.....if ya wanna clap....go for it....don't hold back.....this thread is for all things fun and happy...now get happy.

[bloodrayne]

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the terrible behavior that was going on.

So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth, 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline: 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, to give them a little something to help them keep going .


Do you know what the E-mail said?


No?


Okay, just wondering: I didn't get one either:p

[bloodrayne]

Wow, talk about technology!

The new supermarket near my house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and detect the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.



It's all very cool...But...I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[bloodrayne]

Dear Diary,

For my fifty-fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear sweetheart) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college
football team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so here it is:

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.

She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring , Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!

My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.

Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me


WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.

Typing this is almpst unbearable. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stairmaster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit, too.


THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me. As punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.

Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body that I could move without unbearable pain, I swear I would beat her with it!

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the fucking barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.

Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.

However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.

I will also pray that next year, my wife (that scheming bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun...like a root canal or a vasectomy .....


PS. I'm cancelling my life insurance policy

[bloodrayne]

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

How is it possible to have a 'civil' war?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

[bloodrayne]

:p

[bloodrayne]

:)

[bloodrayne]

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football
game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world," the
student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars...We even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and," pausing to take another drink of beer..

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany, and said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shithead, what are you doing for the next generation?"

[crabapple]

That is funny and awesome at the same time. Bravo to whoever wrote that!