This Should Be Funny, But I'm Going To Need Some Help

[Thomasgeorge]

i will be in

[Freak]

This will be funny.There wil be some crazy stuff that comes up.

[ferretchucker]

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

do you mean things like that but with our names?

[jenna26]

Sounds like fun......:)

[illdojo]

Originally Posted by jenna26

Sounds like fun......:)

:D NICE!!! Jenna :D
Thanks for that, sweetheart. ;)

[XtRaVa]

Xtrava brings a knife to a gunfight...and wins. ;)

I like these :)

[XtRaVa]

Originally Posted by ferretchucker

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Ah...But you forget that if everyone in the show 24 did exactly what Jack Bauer tells them to do, it would be called 12. :cool:

I know thats longer than 12 minutes, but that would be a shit show ;)

[bloodrayne]

I'm sure that you guys have probably already seen most of these (maybe even all of them), but these are the ones that I could find (with the COMPLETELY terrible ones left out)...If you guys have more (that aren't excruciatingly awful) go ahead and post them

I ended up with two quotes for each forum member...After reading a lot of these, I realized that many of them are extremely lame....So, I apologize in advance :)

I made the list of quotes, then copy/pasted the forum member names into them in the order that I had them listed in the first post...The only quote that I had to give to a specific member was the one about the 2 'i's and for that I just went to the forum member's name who was next on the list that had 2 'i's in it...So, don't blame me because the one you got sucks :p...

By the way, Seri told me that they're actually SUPPOSED to be stupid, so...


Well...Here they are:

*OMG...Text is too long...These 'upgrades' just keep on sucking*

...in the next post :rolleyes:

[bloodrayne]

1) Hammerfan's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Hammerfan.

2) Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Zwoti can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

3) _V_ once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now called The Islands.

4) Some guys piss their name in the snow. Newb can piss his name into concrete.

5) Sam took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

6) Crabapple counted to infinity - twice.

7) The last man who made eye contact with Roderick Usher was Ray Charles.

8) Elvis can speak braille.

9) Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Vod's sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

10) Gravity doesn't exist. Despare just forces everything to stay the fuck down.

11) Bwind was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

12) If you spell IllDojo wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean IllDojo?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

13) Novakru destroyed the periodic table, saying Novakru only recognizes the element of surprise.

14) If you rearrange the letters in Dude Guadalupe...He'll fucking break you.

15) Doc Faustus owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

16) VampClown scared the black out of Michael Jackson.

17) Neverending's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

18) Flayed once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

19) Geddy wears a cup, not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

20) On a high school math test, MassacreMan put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because MassacreMan solves all of his problems with Violence.

21) Posher and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

22) Dante can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

23) The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Kemal and forgot to pay him back.

24) When Mothman goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

25) There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in AmericanManiac. Fuck you, team.

26) Crop circles are Disease's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

27) Ferret does not sleep. He waits.

28) Slasherman beat a wall at tennis. A fucking WALL.

29) Whenever DP McCoy plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some pussy who can't climb up a plastic slide.

30) Angra died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

31) If you laid out all of Return's intestines end to end...He would kick your sorry ass.

32) Murderdoll invented black. In fact, she invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

33) On his birthday, Scarecrow randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

34) Xtrava was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

35) When ManchesterMorgue deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

36) Once a cobra bit Alkytrio's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

37) When Kane Hodder put on the One Ring, the Nazgul just said, "Fuck it." (I have NO freaking clue what the hell that means)

38) Dewaholic can delete the Recycling Bin.

39) The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to Freak."

40) HorrorObsessed can slam revolving doors.

41) Jenna doesn't read books. She stares them down until she gets the information she wants.

42) Nikki can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved.

43) YourlastMistake is the only one who can "try this at home."

44) Hamburger has never used a question mark in his entire life. He believes that the interrogative tense is a sign of weakness.

45) Gorephobia sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.

46) Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Mordrid so he can scare the shit out of them.

47) When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Zero.

48) HorrorWench can believe it's not butter.

49) In August 2005, Cheeba, Spallala, and ThomasGeorge went shark fishing 845 miles east of Bermuda and 1,139 miles west of the Azores Islands. After finishing off 10 kegs of Milwaukees Best and 2 barbequed tiger sharks ThomasGeorge asked Spallala to pull his finger. At the exact moment that Spallala pulled ThomasGeorge's finger, Cheeba punched ThomasGeorge in the stomach "for fun". The resulting flatulence refered to by most as "Hurricane Katrina" has cost over $1.13 billion so far and almost destroyed New Orleans.


*STILL too long....LAME!*

[bloodrayne]

50) When Hammerfan gives you the finger, she's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

51) If it looks like chicken, smells like chicken, and tastes like chicken but Zwoti says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

52) Dairy Queen used to be Dairy King before _V_ made it his bitch.

53) Newb was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.

54) Sam's orgasm leaves an exit wound.

55) Superman owns a pair of Crabapple pajamas.

56) Roderick Usher has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

57) Elvis doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

58) World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Vod ate Kobayashi.

59) Despare is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

60) If you can see Bwind, he can see you. If you can't see Bwind you may be only seconds away from death.

61) IllDojo does not go hunting because the word "hunting" implies the possibility of failure. IllDojo goes killing.

62) Novakru ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you."

63) There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Dude Guadalupe is going to walk.

64) If at first you don't succeed, you're not Doc Faustus.

65) There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures VampClown allows to live.

66) When Neverending does push-ups, he isn't pushing himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

67) Flayed once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

68) Geddy sleeps with a night light. Not because Geddy is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Geddy.

69) MassacreMan invented orphans.

70) Posher and Dante were disqualified and kicked off the show "Junk Yard Wars" for violating the saftey rules and building a fully functional M1A1 Abram Main battle tank, when all they needed to build was a steam-powered catapult.

71) Kemal died once. When he got to heaven he walked up to God, tapped him on the shoulder, and said "I think you're in my seat."

72) When Mothman goes to jail, he passes go and collects 200 dollars.

73) February 29th only occurs once every four years because AmericanManiac wills it to be so.

74) In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Disease could use to kill you, including the room itself.

75) The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Ferret punched himself in the face.

76) Slasherman does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction.

77) DP McCoy has beat the shit out of so many people that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.

78) Angra lost his virginity before his dad did.

79) There’s an old saying: “He who has the Return makes the rules.” It’s one of those nonsensical old sayings, since it implies that someone can “have” Return.

80) Murderdoll always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.

81) Scarecrow currently resides in a small village in Turkmenistan, where "Scarecrow" translates to "Santa Claus." In unrelated news, Children in Turkmenistan are scared shitless of Santa Claus.

82) If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Xtrava banging your sister.

83) Manchester Morgue doesn't have nightmares, nightmares have Manchester Morgue.

84) Alkytrio recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

85) Giraffes were created when Kane Hodder uppercutted a horse.

86) The quickest way to a man's heart is with Dewaholic's fist.

87) As a poor college student, Freak went to the local sperm bank to make some quick cash. He retired later that day.

88) HorrorObsessed can touch MC Hammer.

89) Jenna once kicked someone so hard that her foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean

90) When Nikki falls in water, Nikki doesn't get wet. Water gets Nikki.

91) The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1.YourLastMistake 2. Heart Disease 3. Cancer

92) Hamburger doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

93) Gorephobia is responsible for China's over-population. He went to Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

94) Mordrid can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

95) Zero gave Mona Lisa that smile.

96) If you spell HorrorWench in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

97) The Bible was originally titled "Cheeba and Friends".

98) The following is a list of things Spallala cannot do:


99) After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending ThomasGeorge. It was more "humane".