If I may be so bold...

[The Flayed One]

I'll check it out when time permits.

[pinkfloyd45769]

I like it, i actually was hoping to read more. I like the idea of the little boy finishing the movie before he calls 911. I could see this whole set up in my head. I pictured the dad in a wife beater with a can of beer in his hand through the whole thing. The only negative thing i was thinking was, i think the woman would have a little fear towards her husband. I think she would hold back from throwing anything at him or even really swearing at him. I really like the whole idea of this, good luck!!

[bwind22]

Thanks again to everyone that checked it out and gave me feedback.

[bwind22]

Just FYI for everyone that gave their input, I have posted the 2nd draft of the 1st scene over in the other thread for anyone that's interested in seeing how much their contributions have already factored in.

In the revamped version, I made the mother meeker and less confrontational, elimated approx. 50% of the swearing, gave some added girth to the second half of the scene and also put in the ending suggested by Zero.

Let me know what you think of the modifications if you don't mind. Thanks.

[AUSTIN316426808]

Originally posted by bwind22


Let me know what you think of the modifications if you don't mind. Thanks.

I guess it's better, but I think the first one gave the impression that this has been going on for awhile and she was just fucking sick of it and snapped on him. For whatever reason I just liked it better that way.

Couple people menitoned that she would be afraid of him and not be so bold and that making her meek creates sympathy. Well, if she's tired of all the bullshit because it's been going on for so long then I think she would be bold enough to flat out confront him about it. If she's ready to get divorced and he's fucked up enough to kill himself then this isn't the second or third time, it's been going on for awhile and it's reached it peak and now it's ready to blow.

As for creating sympathy...For what? Her husband's a fucking loser who's beating her, that alone will create more than enough sympathy for someone who dies in the first scene anyway.

[newb]

Originally posted by pinkfloyd45769
I pictured the dad in a wife beater with a can of beer in his hand through the whole thing.

I must interject here.....why oh why , and i'm not faulting you pink, are all wife beaters depicted as beer drinkers.It really gives us beer drinkers a bad name. I drink beer.....i've never laid a hand on my wife.......but Hollywood and society itself has deemed us "bad, beer drinking, dirty t-shirt wearing, wife beating, slobs.

I'm making a stand for ALL the beer drinkers on this site.......let your voices be heard....WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE.







whew.....i feel better

[The Flayed One]

I have never owned a wife:D therefore I have never had the chance to beat one.

Seriously, though, I am a huge fan of our cold tasty friend The Beer. I have went through several relationships while drinking and have never beaten my girlfriend. Unless you coun't me whipping her ass at Soul Caliber II and taunting her for it. Dammit, though, she knew I only did it 'cause I loved her and had been stressed out at work.:p

[pinkfloyd45769]

Originally posted by newb
I must interject here.....why oh why , and i'm not faulting you pink, are all wife beaters depicted as beer drinkers.It really gives us beer drinkers a bad name. I drink beer.....i've never laid a hand on my wife.......but Hollywood and society itself has deemed us "bad, beer drinking, dirty t-shirt wearing, wife beating, slobs.

I'm making a stand for ALL the beer drinkers on this site.......let your voices be heard....WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE.







whew.....i feel better

I pictured this guylooking like someone i know who acted/acts just like this guy. I drink beer and lots of it(not so much at the time) and i would never think you or anyone else on this site would act anything like the guy in the story. Like i said, i just couls so clearly see the guy i know doing this and someday i believe he will snap just like this. Sorry if i offended you or anyone else!

[newb]

Originally posted by pinkfloyd45769
I pictured this guylooking like someone i know who acted/acts just like this guy. I drink beer and lots of it(not so much at the time) and i would never think you or anyone else on this site would act anything like the guy in the story. Like i said, i just couls so clearly see the guy i know doing this and someday i believe he will snap just like this. Sorry if i offended you or anyone else!

You could never offend me pink:)

I was just pointing out [ tongue-in-cheeck] a stereotype that you see in movies, on TV, in print.

[bloodrayne]

Originally posted by newb
I'm making a stand for ALL the beer drinkers on this site.......let your voices be heard....WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE.

I'll stand behind you on this one, Newb...I agree...You are all good 'beer stinky' people...lol :p





You know I love you:)




BTW...Does the thought of me 'standing behind you' make you nervous?...*hides razorwire garrotte, dagger, and syringe*...heh