Im writing a book and need feedback.

[TeddyFreddy]

[QUOTE=
No need to worry, honey made out of bee "POO", the only kind of honey that is made of "POO" is honeydew honey. Its made from aphid "POO".[/QUOTE]

this just gets worse and worse lol

[anglewitch]

Originally Posted by TeddyFreddy

this just gets worse and worse lol

Like I said no need to worry honeydew is the only one made out bug shit.

[Jake.Ashworth]

Originally Posted by JacobCain1971

Hi Jake,

Managed the next part of your book last night. Just a few pointers (and i apologise in advance if you already know this, and it's simply the forum's way of displaying text) but you may need to look at how you're setting things out grammatically . . .

Thanks Jacob!

Yeah, there are definitely structuring issues. I have a close friend that is in school in Austin to be an editor, I have sent it to her to help me with the structure and grammar issues. I was only a so so English student. Im glad your enjoying it. Thanks for the pointers. I may post more often now that its done, a couple times a week. Im anxious for the next step, lol.

[anglewitch]

Why don't you try writing a story about pinhead having revenge on the people who are making the remake of hellraiser. Lol

[Jake.Ashworth]

I would love to see a story about the cenobites, something from their side of the box. It would be cool to know what they are doing in their down time. Lol.

[anglewitch]

Another good idea. Lol

[Jake.Ashworth]

Chapter 10
As the days went on through winter and into spring my lessons got smoother and me and Edith seemed to work really well together. She was really very brilliant, and I loved learning from her. I would be turning 13 soon and I could feel myself in the midst of puberty. I was grateful that I didn’t have to go through it in a public school. I continued to play out in the fort when it wasn’t too cold or snowy. It had become difficult to find things to catch after the snow came in. I saw that little face out in the darkness a few more times sense the night that I had convinced myself I hadn’t actually seen anything. I kept getting these urges, almost uncontrollable at times to take Edith’s life. All together I think my hormones were going crazy and I felt like I might be losing grasp.
I was seeing the thing more and more as the days passed, and every time it was a little closer and a little louder in my head. There was one night that I was sitting at the computer talking to Sarah enjoying watching her bend to my will. She was on video, knowing that I wouldn’t allow her to see me, she didn’t mind because to her, I was in complete control. She was playing with herself while I typed what I wanted to see. She went into the drawer next to her computer and pulled out a small razor blade. My heart still pounded every time we got to this part. I told her to tease me. She ran it gently, careful not to cut into her skin over her pale thighs and moaned. I watched as she ran her free hand over her young breasts. Then I told her it was time and she moved the blade back to her thigh. As one over her fingers slid inside her, the blade slipped into her perfect skin. “Not to deep, we don’t want your boyfriend to suspect anything, and we surely don’t want you to bleed out. Not until I get to play with you first.” I typed into the command bar. She ran the blade slowly up her thigh a few inches and the blood started to run out of her. I got chills down my spine and felt that familiar sense of perfection coming over me. Just when I was starting to get the feeling that I strived for, I heard a tap at the window.
I jumped and spun around in the chair. Scared and curious I got up and walked to the closed curtains. I pulled them apart very slowly and as I did the thing that I had been seeing came into view. Accept this time it wasn’t in the yard or behind the tree, it was standing right at the window. I looked into its inky eyes, at first terrified, then comforted. I felt my fear subside and then I heard it. “It’s almost time, are you ready?” I replied simply by nodding, I couldn’t find words. It said “I will come to you and you will let me in, we will be one in the same. All you have to do is accept me.” I said “I will.” And felt a great relief as the thing melted back into the darkness.
I walked slowly and a little confused back to the computer. There was a handful of messages there from Sarah. At first asking if I was pleased with her, then after I didn’t answer she begged for a reply. She needed me to tell her she did a good job. The video feed was disconnected but I just knew that she was sitting at her keyboard starring at the screen waiting for my reply. I typed “You did very good, some day you will be here with me. I look forward to feeling the warmth of your blood on my hands.” She replied with a “Thank You Sir.”
It was that week that everything changed. There seemed to be a calm Monday and Tuesday. I didn’t visit the fort once. I got up and had my breakfast, then my lessons and went upstairs to play video games or outside to shoot my pellet gun. Things seemed very normal.
On Wednesday I woke up and the room was pitch black. I was a little disoriented and looked toward the clock but I couldn’t see its glow. I was confused because my clock is always right there, then I heard a little sound and saw the glow of my digital clock come into view slightly. My heart exploded out of my chest and I started sweating, some body was standing in front of my clock. I laid perfectly still hoping if it was an intruder they would just move on and leave me alone. Then I heard the voice, for the first time with my ears. “Michael, today is the day.” Then without any sound at all I watched it dissolve and my clock came into view like he was never there. I spent the rest of the night wide awake. I was scared but just as excited. Something was going to happen today, something big.
When the sun finally broke through my windows I hopped out of bed and went straight in to the bathroom to shower. I felt great, radiant almost. After getting dressed I ran down the hall jumping occasionally and laughing all the way. I purposely went to the front of the house in order to slide down the banister instead of just going to down the back stairs like I normally do. I hopped on the smooth, shiny wood banister and slid about three quarters of the way down before falling off. I laid on the floor laughing.
Edith came running in with a worried look on her face. “I heard a loud bang, are you al… Well I guess your fine.” She said as she burst into the entry way where the stairs dumped out. I got to my feet and said “Oh yeah, I am awesome. Today is going to be a good day, I just know it.” She chuckled and said “Are you ready for breakfast?” “Heck yeah, I am!” I said running past her and toward the kitchen. I sat down on one of the bar stools and waited for Edith to catch up. She came around the corner still laughing “Well you’re in a good mood.” I said “Enjoy it while you can.” In the most joking way I could so that she didn’t know I was absolutely serious. “Bacon, sausage, eggs, and toast?” She asked. I nodded just barely holding back my drool. This day just keeps getting better.
I scarfed down every last bit of my food and scooped up the yolk with the toast. Feeling full and ready to take a nap, I walked to the study where Edith already had todays lesson ready. She looked at me and said “I think we are going to go half day today, it’s so nice out and you’re in such a good mood, I would hate to waste that on school.” I smiled very happy and said “That sounds perfect.”

[Jake.Ashworth]

Class was about a perfectly suiting subject. We covered medieval times and went over the plague and some of the cruel methods they used to torture people who broke the law. We talked at length about how they would draw and quarter people and about the rack. She loved it when I was so involved. We did our normal science stuff, I wasn’t too interested in it. She started teaching me Algebra, which was actually pretty exciting. I learned a lot that half day, I think I was able to concentrate better than I had in a while.
After we finished up, I helped clean the dry erase board and then headed outside to kill some time in the woods. I went out to the creek and skipped a couple stones. It was a pretty beautiful day, the trees where regrowing their leaves and there were a lot of tad poles in the creek. I walked on and out into the clearing. I walked over to it, the dried coyote blood was still in place on the doorway and everything looked exactly like I had left it. I looked over the little skulls hanging all over the ceiling. There must have been fifty of them now. I walked in and ran my hand through them above my head. I sat under the macabre site that I just loved being around and picked up my turtles. Leonardo and Shredder had been collecting dust, neglected by me because of my new toys. I wiped the dirt and dust off of them and stood them back up. There they looked exactly like they had the day I drug the little rabbit in here to help it back to health and ended up peeling its skin back and playing with its body.
While I was sitting there remember the first time I found out how much fun taking something apart was going to be, I heard the voice “Today, you will become whole, soon you will become a man.” Following it were flashes of my mother and Edith, a couple flashes of Sarah. I could see myself laying under a body hung by its feet from a ceiling beam in a dark room, a long deep cut through its neck, the blood pouring down over me. It was so vivid I could feel it. Then as quickly as the images came, they were gone and I was sitting in my little fort alone. I figured it was a good time to head home, the sun was beginning to come down and dinner wouldn’t be long.
While I was walking back to the house I started thinking about mother. I hadn’t seen her in weeks, maybe it had been months. I began to get a little worried but reminded myself that this is just what she does. The walk back to the house was pleasant and quiet. When I got to the back door I took one huge deep breath of fresh air and headed in and up to my room. I was starving, I guess I skipped lunch while I was outside and didn’t really realize it. The smells of dinner made my stomach growl.
Dinner was mostly normal, good food, good conversation with Edith. I helped clean up and went to play games. I heard Edith head to bed sometime around 10 p.m. So far today had been good but mostly uneventful, I wonder what was supposed to happen. Just then this feeling rushed through me, I needed to go downstairs. Something was waiting for me. I got up and headed straight for the door. As I walked by Edith’s room her door opened. She said “I thought I heard your door close, are you ok?” I looked at her, the words sounded distorted, like we were under water. I replied “Im fine, just going to get a snack.” “Do you need help?” She asked. I said “No, Im ok, just go on to bed. Goodnight.” Then I continued down the hall to the stairs.
I came down the stairs into the kitchen not really knowing why I was down here. I felt like I was being led by something. It was a lot like the feeling I had when I was working on the coyote. Like I was present and conscious but just barely. I walked through the first floor and to the hallway that led to mother’s room. Walking down the hall I started to think, I couldn’t hurt my mother. I started yelling inside of my own head “No, I won’t hurt mother. I love her! You can’t make me do this.” Then a scolding voice, so loud in my head that it hurt “Shut up pussy! You will do whatever I want, until you know how to control this, you are mine.” I walked down the hall, trailing my fingers along the walls all the way down. When I got to the door I reached for the handle, the door swung in before I could touch it. There she was.
That’s the moment, my head spun quick, energy coursed through my body, for a split second I could feel my mind open up and the two worlds inside of me collide. My eyes fell on my mother’s feet dangling about two feet over the ground. She hung from her neck, her head crooked to the side. There was a little line of drool streaming down out of her mouth. I paid close attention and looked her over from top to bottom. She was just as beautiful as always, maybe even more so now. I walked over to her, when I got close I felt the carpet squish under my feet. Urine dripped down her leg and off of her heal. She must have just done this. I reached out my hand and touched her ankle, the flesh was still warm. My hand ran up her leg and under her night gown. I stared at her swinging slightly now that I had touched her, as my fingers brushed against the hair of her vagina. I pulled my hand back slowly, there hadn’t been any sound in my head during this whole time. But I felt complete, for the first time, I felt like the other me was there and was going to stay with me.
I walked over to the desk in the corner of her room where a single piece of paper sat. At the top is said “I am so sorry.” Then it read;
Michael,
I can’t explain what is going on in my mind while I write this, I feel like everything is wrong. I know I’m not a good mother to you. I have been lost sense your father’s death, I know he was cheating on me for years but he was still mine. This won’t be long but I have to tell you, I wish I could have been better to you. All of this time I should have been with you, watching you grow up. I started having a deep feeling of fear any time we were together about four years ago. I haven’t been able to shake it, and I have felt completely trapped in this room. I think something is wrong with you Michael, but I can’t stay here like this anymore. Please forgive me, and promise me that you will get help for anything that is plaguing you.

You’re Loving Mother
I picked the letter up and folded into a tight little square. It slid into my pocket, I will keep this forever. I could hear the rope squeaking behind me as her lifeless body swung slowly back and forth. I registered the chair that she had used to climb up on that was tumbled over on its side. I wanted to spend more time with her, but I knew that if I did, somebody would be able to tell. I walked back by her again and gave her a tight hug, she smelled of her normal perfume and a slight hint of the urine dripping from her heal. I thought about touching her again, but resisted. I smiled up at her contorted face and said, “Thank you mom, you gave me what I needed to become whole. Your sacrifice is wonderful. I will honor you as I do my future work.” With that, I walked to the doorway and let out a loud scream that I knew would alarm Edith. Then I got down on my knees and put my head in my hands summoning tears.
I could hear Edith come down the stairs and run down the hallway. She must have seen mother beyond the door because she fell directly on top of me and held me. She was whispering “It’s going to be ok my boy, just be strong.” Over and over. I faked crying harder than I had ever cried before. She helped me to my feet, just before she turned me around to head back down the hall I caught one more glimpse of my mother’s face. Her eyes wide open, her jaw hanging open and I flashed a quick smile her way. I knew she could still see me, I just knew it.

[anglewitch]

Forgot that you warned that you have only 15 chapters to go.

[Jake.Ashworth]

Lol! Im going to post more later today, right now... Im working... yeah that's what Im doing...