The "NO DRAMA" thread

[bloodrayne]

How to be a man......

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.Umm...I open jars for Dustin...honestly

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.Well...I call my son 'Son'

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.I can pull off a wicked mean tackle...But, that's usually when I'm wrestling :D

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle?I've sharpened many pencils with a pocket knife

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.Okay...I have no idea what you're talking about here

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. ! Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.Heh...I can definitely do this (and have DONE this) with Jack Daniels...Does that count?

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.These are in my basement tool room...Broom handles work when ya can't find a piece of wood, or don't feel like leaving what you're painting to go down in the basement

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".Hmm...C-Section scar from hip to hip count?...How about a crescent-shaped scar on the back of the top of my right arm where I swung the claw hammer back too far (demolishing a wall) and ripped my arm open with it?

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like. Okay...The hangover I can do...The stubble I can't...

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".We all do this...And they nod at us, too

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.Hammer Drill, Band Saw, Circular Saw, Power Drill...These are mine, I don't let Dustin use them...I wouldn't want him to get hurt ;)

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! ! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.Nope...I don't do that

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.Does a club count?...For some reason, everyone always seems to notice when I walk in...And the first time Dustin went with me, Sergio came running at me from across the room and jumped off the floor, into my arms...That was some funny shit...Probably woulda been funnier if I hadn't caught him, or if I woulda dropped him...haha

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.Umm...Yeah...I actually need to START doing this

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.I always carve EVERYTHING, and serve all the food...I just thought that was part of doing the cooking

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?Not me...

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.Never found this to be a necessity...I just always make sure the head's on the handle tightly

18. TAKING OUT £ 200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.I just cash checks and pay bills...I keep the rest of the money in my pocket

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."I rarely EVER answer my phone...Actually, now that I think about it...I have not used a phone in over a week

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.My ability to parallel park quickly and correctly was one of the first things that impressed Dustin...Yup, he's easily impressed...lol

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.I've worked in the fields (from to ages of 10-16)...Planting, cropping and harvesting tobacco...Picking corn, digging potatoes, pulling turnips, etcetera...AND following a flatbed truck to lift hay bales and throw 'em on top, you get six bales high and you gotta start kickin' 'em up there with your knee...It's hot, dirty, sweaty work, but it makes ya strong and healthy...However...I REFUSE to drink beer *gag*

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.Okay...I can't make this claim...I've always wondered why it takes guys so long...

23. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".HaHa...Each time I've had surgery, I'm up and doing stuff I've been ordered not to (usually after a day or two), because I get tired of 'being down'...I just say, "Okay, I've had enough 'recovery' now...Time to get shit done"....And, one time in high school, I was standing up in the back of a friend's convertible, he was driving through the parking lot, he cut the wheel and I went flying out in a sorta cartwheel...I hit the asphalt, bounced, rolled a few times, and stopped in a sitting up position with my hands flat on the ground on each side of me and I had yelled "STOP!" when I stopped...The seat and knees of my jeans were ripped open, My shoes were torn off my feet...My ass cheek, knees, toes, shoulders, elbows and fingers were bleeding...I walked into the nurse's station, the nurse looked up at me with a shocked look on her face...Blood was dripping off my fingers onto the floor...And I asked "Have you got a band-aid or somethin'?"...I fucking LOVED her expression...lol

24. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?" I've known this since I was 4 :rolleyes:


Hmm...No wonder Seri says I'm more male than female...And Dustin, Rich, Stupid Shane and Sergio say that they are more feminine than I am...Of course, those guys are probably just girly...lol


Yeah...I think I just blew your 'How to be a man' theory all to hell:p

[Haunted]

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."I rarely EVER answer my phone...Actually, now that I think about it...I have not used a phone in over a week

How well I know this, because I've tried to call you. I think your fuck-ass ex husband answered one night. Piece o' shit. Can I say that?

[filmmaker2]

hootie hootie hootie,
he's a litta cutie,
hootie hootie hootie,
he goes goodwith crack-ers.

he's a little ratty,
make of him a patty,
fry him up in butt-er,
such a goofy nutt-er

see? he is cute and tasty too

[Haunted]

IF YOU EAT FOAMY I WILL KILL YOU!!!



:D

I love you, filmmaker

[Posher778]

You know..... I think the only thing you have to do to be a man is have a penis..... But then again, in America these days.... women are getting them too:p

[Haunted]

Except me.

Fact: A penis is a mutated clitoris.

[Posher778]

Oh dear GOD haunted I almost threw up when I read that.... Damn, i'm eating a friggin hot dog here!

[Haunted]

Do you have a problem with the word CLITORIS? What's wrong with CLITORIS? Does the CLIRTORIS frighten you?

Maybe it's the wrinkley PENIS. PENISES aren't the prettiest things on the Goddess' earth, but they come in handy from time to time. You shouldn't worry about PENISES. The PENIS can be your friend. Your PENIS distinguishes you as a man... even if men are mutated women.:D

[Posher778]

Haha, too late i already finished! But this conversation made me think of this .gif file i have.

[Haunted]

That's really funny, and also quite true. Naah, men aren't that bad... well some aren't, and this is coming from a die hard feminist.