The "NO DRAMA" thread

[bleeding_angelgirl]

Originally Posted by AmericanManiac

What do you call a women with two black eyes?





nothing you already told her twice

wow ouch:eek:

[stubbornforgey]

An elderly couple was attending a church service. About halfway through the wife leans over and says, ” I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?” The husband replies, ” Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”







Men are like...


1. Men are like ...Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like .Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like .....Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like .....Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ..Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ..Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ......Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ....Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.



Dinner out..

Friends of ours invited the wife and I out to dinner. Although it
turned out to be a topless restaurant, my wife was a pretty
good sport and pretended to enjoy the evening.

On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force
wouldn't keep the windshield from icing over on her side of the
car.

"Awwwww come on." I said. "It wasn't that bad."

"Your ordering didn't help matters." she said fuming.

"What ?" I replied. "I only ordered a dozen oysters."

"ONE AT A TIME ?!?!?!" she yelled.

[stubbornforgey]

LOL..
i like this one..'giggles'



This has happened to all of us women... read on.

My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat.

Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd have to go home to change my clothes.

That was a long time ago. Even now, in my more "mature years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one's bladder is full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there.

So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely. You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.

The dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one - but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck. (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!). You yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance" Ahhhh, relief. But then your thighs begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off of your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"

Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat. You bolt up quickly, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper -
not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get,"

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China.

At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how too operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged at this point, no longer able to smile politely.

One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"
This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!).


It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door.

[stubbornforgey]

shortest fairy tale ever:


Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?" The guy said, "No."

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted.



the end..




http://funnigurl.com/bbs/bbs.cgi?act=i&b=sexes


crack up site for those who can't sleep' :o
and who have polished off every unbolted down pack of biscuit..

[Posher778]

WOMEN DRIVERS

NO SURVIVORS

If you don't like the way women drive get off the sidewalk!

[Dante'sInferno]

Okay...ever wonder what happend to the ginger kid from terminator 2????













ANSWER BELOW:



After john gets away on his bike the t-1000 goes back to the arcade and BITCH slaps his ASS for being ginger, coz even future robots think they're freaks.

[Wensday13]

What does the average NC student get on his SAT? Drool

What do you get when you put the NC State football team in 1 room? A full set of teeth.


How do you get an NC State graduate off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

What is the longest three years of a NC State football players life? His freshman year.

How many NC State freshman football players does it take to change a lightbulb? None, thats a sophmore course.

Why couldnt Helen Keller drive? Because she was a woman.

What has 600 eyes, 25 teeth, and 8 dads? The front row at a Garth Brooks concert.

[stubbornforgey]

Gather round friends..i have something to say
About how some black men got led astray..
So uneducated and silly were some..
In short you could say..they were practically dumb.

Now there was one guy who was filled with great pride
cos he had a crush on old Hannah McBride..
But she was a white girl and there love was doomed..
but he had to have her..and have her real soon.

Her long hair was driving him out of his wits..
her small waist..her small ass..her chest with no tits
and so hatched a plan ..in her window he'll go
and quietly fuck her..so no one would know..

But..i needs me something' so no babies come
and off to the chemist..this poor dumbass runs.
Please give me throaties cos my cuzzin said..
that this thing here's good for killin germs dead..
and nasal spray too ..i don't know where it goes..
so will put up her ass and not up her nose.

He knew he was right cos he saw the word 'crook'
and looked up the word in the diction'ry book..
so finally ready he runs to her side
gives her these meds..cos he must do it right..
They kissed and they cuddled..well nuff heres been said
then finally start screwing ..ontop of the bed.

They say 9 months later as this tale was told
a baby was born with the shittiest cold..!!!!

[giggles]

[bloody_ribcut]

Little Zachary was doing very bad in math. His parents had tried everything. Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard a before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What as it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

womp womp womp

[Shazbut]

A farm equipment sales rep goes to a farm one day, trying to sell a new tractor on the market.

As he is walking up the drive, he sees a 3-legged pig on the grass verge.

He knocks on the door of the farm and when the farmer answers, he comments on the pig and asks why it only has 3 legs.

The farmer replies: "Well, one day my 5 year old son was playing down by the river and fell in. From nowhere comes the pig, jumps in the river, pulls my son out, gives him mouth to mouth resuscitation and basically saves his life"

Sales rep says: "That's amazing, but it still doesnt explain why the pig only has 3 legs"

Farmer replies: "Well, my wife was busy cooking in the kitchen one day and the chip pan caught fire and covered her in boiling hot fat. From nowhere comes the pig, rushes over to the pan, throws a wet towel over to douse the flames, then proceeds to pour bucket loads of water on the wife, calls an ambulance and bascially saves her life".

Sales rep says: "That is fantastic, but, not wishing to offend, it still doesnt explain why the pig only has 3 legs".

Farmer replies: "Well, I was out working in the field one day and my tractor rolled over and crushed my leg. From nowhere comes the pig, pulls the tractor off of me, bandages my compound fracture, calls an ambulance and basically saves my life".

Sales rep says: "That is one incredible animal you have there, you must think him a guardian angel. But, pray, these stories are fantastic but it still doesnt explain why the pig only has 3 legs".
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Well", replies the farmer, "with a pig like that, you cant eat him all at once"!!!

:D