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#151
04-29-2006, 01:57 AM
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You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on. A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he' d be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
__________________
...  If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance...Baffle 'em with bullshit My Karma ran over my Dogma God WAS my co-pilot...But, we crashed in the mountains and...I had to eat him I'm suffocating in what's become of me... The rancid remains of what I used to be 
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#152
04-29-2006, 08:01 AM
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Jeff and Steven were fishing one day when Steven pulled out a cigarette. Finding he had no matches, he asked Jeff for a light.
"Yeah, sure, I think I have a lighter," he replied Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 12 inches long. "Holy Shit!" exclaimed Steven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. "Where did you get that monster??" "Well," replied Jeff, "I got it from my Genie." "You have a Genie?" Steven asked. "Yeah, sure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Jeff. "Could I see him?" Jeff opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the genie, Steven says, "Hey there! I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes, I will," says the Genie So Steven asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Steven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Steven yells at Jeff. "What the hell?! I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!" Jeff answers, "Yeah, I forgot to tell ya that the Genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch BIC?"
__________________
... If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance...Baffle 'em with bullshit My Karma ran over my Dogma God WAS my co-pilot...But, we crashed in the mountains and...I had to eat him I'm suffocating in what's become of me... The rancid remains of what I used to be
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#153
05-02-2006, 08:23 AM
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Check out this guest list for the upcoming Fangoria Weekend of Horrors.........hmmm....its only 3000 mile away.
http://www.creationent.com/cal/dod.htm
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#154
05-02-2006, 10:53 AM
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SPAMMER!!!!
Oh wait.... Newb, me lad!
__________________
By the time you're twenty-five they will say you've gone and blown it. By the time you're thirty-five I must confide you will have blown them all
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#155
05-02-2006, 11:46 AM
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Things Stressed Women Say At Work:
1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you. 2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. 3. Well this day was a total waste of makeup. 4. Well aren't we a damn ray of sunshine! 5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after. 6. Do I look like a people person? 7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting. 8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. 9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. 10. Why don't you practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self control? 11. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. 12. Do they ever shut up on your planet? 13. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 14. Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't gone to sleep yet. 15. Back off! You're standing in my aura. 16. Don't worry, I forgot your name too. 17. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor. 18. Not all men are annoying - some are dead. 19. Wait....I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 20. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done. 21. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 22. You look like shit. Is that the style now? 23. Earth is full. Go home. 24. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego? 25. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 26. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 27. You are depriving some village of an idiot. 28. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport!
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#156
05-02-2006, 12:13 PM
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Girl, that is too too good. I'm gonna have to send that to my friend, Jodie. She'll love it. Thanks for giving me a laugh.:)
__________________
By the time you're twenty-five they will say you've gone and blown it. By the time you're thirty-five I must confide you will have blown them all
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#158
05-02-2006, 12:25 PM
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OH.....I SEE HOW IT IS.......TAKE THIS.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side. How do you turn a fox into a rottweiller? Marry her. What is the one food that can kill a womans sex drive instantly? Wedding cake. What does a motor scooter and a fat woman have in common? Theyre both fun to ride until your friends see you. Whats the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 45 pounds. Sometimes I wake up grouchy in the morning, but sometimes I let her sleep in. I havent spoken to my wife for a whole year, I dont want to interrupt her. How do you spot a macho woman? Shes rolling her own tampons. A man will dig under his car seat to find loose change. A woman will put a 10% off sale item on a credit card charging 20% interest. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. Q: Why are wedding dresses white? A: All household appliances come in white. Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what did you do wrong? A: Made her chain too long. Q: What's the difference between a Mississippi tornado and a Mississippi divorce? A: Not a thing... either way you lose the trailer. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel! Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look great? A. Put a nipple on it.
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#160
05-02-2006, 12:46 PM
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Quote:
;) :D
__________________
By the time you're twenty-five they will say you've gone and blown it. By the time you're thirty-five I must confide you will have blown them all
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