Urgent Input needed!

[bwind22]

I have a Logline for a script I'm writing (Crimes Like These) that is due in 3 hours and would LOVE some input as to which of the loglines below is the most effective.


1) Violence erupts when the path of a guilt-ridden parolee intersects with the dangerous residents at his new halfway house. With his life on the line, he finds a chance at redemption when he meets a prostitute’s daughter.

2) With his life in jeopardy due to the dangerous residents of his new halfway house, a guilt-ridden parolee finds an unlikely chance at redemption in a prostitute’s daughter.


Please just let me know which option gives you a more complete mental image as to what the film may be about, regardless of whether or not it's a film you'd be interested in seeing.

Also, if any punctuation, grammar or spelling errors are present, please let me know. Thanks!

Like I said, I only have 3 hours until my deadline.

[missmacabre]

I like number one. "Due to" sounds clunky and is a pet peeve of mine. Just don't like the way it sounds at all.

[neverending]

#1 starts with "violence erupts." That's as far as a producer needs to read. The sale is made.

[FreddyMyers]

"Vilolence erupts" "Life on the line" Definitaly the first one. It has a lot more drama to it.

[bwind22]

Thanks so much for the quick responses!

I've had option 1 all set to go for about 2 weeks and then for some reason, I started tinkering with it again tonight and wondering if Option 2 was superior just because it's all 1 sentence.

[X¤MurderDoll¤X]

maybe I'm the only one who doesn't like seeing "violence erupts" at the beginning of a logline.

I think parolee is a very stupid word and would use ex-con because that's what action fans want to see and judging by the first log line, bruce willis is in this one.

my version:

a guilt-ridden ex-con finds his life in jeopardy when he crosses paths with the dangerous residents of his new halfway house. struggling to survive a personal hell, he finds an unlikely chance at redemption through a prostitute's daughter.

I don't know, it's a little long. I'm thinking the story is about a murderer who is trying to get his life back on track, but he can't get the murder victim out of his head. being in a halfway house full of violent criminals only reminds him of the person he hates the most.


the people do want to see violence in big bold letters, gotta give the people what the want afterall :)

[newb]

Originally Posted by neverending

#1 starts with "violence erupts." That's as far as a producer needs to read. The sale is made.

agreed.........................

[X¤MurderDoll¤X]

Originally Posted by newb

agreed.........................

but remember how pissed everyone was with "The Village" after people thought it was going to be a super scary horror movie? I personally enjoyed the village though. :)


all im trying to do is cultivate the seed of doubt to cause undue anxiety.

[newb]

Originally Posted by X¤MurderDoll¤X

but remember how pissed everyone was with "The Village" after people thought it was going to be a super scary horror movie? I personally enjoyed the village though. :)


all im trying to do is cultivate the seed of doubt to cause undue anxiety.

I don't put this out too often...especially on this web site....but I didn't hate The Village. I had it figured out about half way through and just kind of enjoyed the fact that I was right.

[bwind22]

Originally Posted by X¤MurderDoll¤X

all im trying to do is cultivate the seed of doubt to cause undue anxiety.

It may have worked too, but mentioning you liked The Village pretty much negated your opinion. ;)


Again, thank you all very much for the input. I was leanign towards #2, now I'm back towards #1.