The Customer's Always Right

[The STE]

script for a play that me and another guy wrote, I'm adapting it into a screenplay for a short film. Still a work in progress in going from play to screenplay, but here it is



The Customer’s Always Right
By Stephen Jones
Adapted from a play by Stephen Jones and Justin Boehm

(FADE UP in the interior of a Sub Shack, a sub sandwich chain, at about 2:15 in the morning. The counter at which the sandwiches are made is at stage right. At the counter sits GRAHAM. LES is at upstage right, back to the audience, fiddling with something. The booths for the CUSTOMERs are downstage left. A CUSTOMER enters from upstage left and crosses to the counter at stage right. She purchases a sandwich and soda, waves for GRAHAM to keep the change, and crosses to downstage left and sits in a booth.)


GRAHAM
(Not taking his eyes off the CUSTOMER, leaning towards LES) LES, come here.

LES
(continuing with what he’s doing) I’m busy.

GRAHAM
Seriously, we’ve got a problem.

LES
Ah, fer Chriss sake, (turns to GRAHAM) what?

GRAHAM
(points with chin to the CUSTOMER) Look.

LES
(turns, looks at CUSTOMER) Ah, what the f-

GRAHAM
(pulls LES towards him by the shirt) We can’t leave with her here.

LES
(straightening his shirt) Well, we can’t stay here.

GRAHAM
I know. So what do you want to do about this.

LES
(leaning on the counter) Let’s just one of us leave with the money.

GRAHAM
Great, which one?

LES
How about you?



GRAHAM
Ye-no. If I leave early it’ll implicate you. It’ll just look stupid for both of us if I turn up and take the blame for it after that.

LES
Why?

GRAHAM
Wouldn’t you notice that the register is empty if it were me that took the money?

LES
Oh, right. (Runs a hand through his hair) Okay, I’ll leave.

GRAHAM
Bugger that, you’ve got to close up.

LES
Can’t you close?

GRAHAM
No. If I close then I’ll have to open up tomorrow.

LES
Great. So we wait it out.

GRAHAM
(Putting his head in his hands, leaning on the counter) Perfect. I mean, who the crap stays in the place at 2:15 in the morning?

LES
(points to her indiscreetly) She’s up to something.

GRAHAM
(pulling LES’ arm down) Idiot, we’re up to something. And don’t point at her, it makes you look suspicious.

LES
Okay, then why is she here?

GRAHAM
How should I know? All I know is that nobody eats in the place at this hour. The people come in, buy the food and leave. They don’t stick around, so we, the employees, don’t have to work, or even keep up the appearance of working.

LES
Unless they’re up to something.

GRAHAM
(whispering angrily) She’s not- (catching himself, calming down), she’s not up to anything.

LES
If you say so. (under his breath) Still say she’s up to something.

GRAHAM
Did you empty the safe?

LES
I was gonna.

(GRAHAM stares at LES)

LES
Alright, I’m going.

(LES goes upstage right, crouches down)

GRAHAM
Bullocks.

(GRAHAM crosses his arms on the counter and puts his head down. TIM enters from upstage left)

TIM
Hey, Graham, whe-

GRAHAM
(not lifting his head up) He’s in the back.

(TIM crosses to upstage right, behind the counter, glancing at the CUSTOMER at downstage left. For about 2 seconds, nothing happens. Then, LES and TIM cross from upstage right to downstage right, behind the counter)

LES
I’ll have some better stuff next week. I won’t have to cut as much. I’ve just (coughs) come into some money.

(GRAHAM and LES exchange glances)

TIM
(motions to the CUSTOMER at downstage left) Hey, what’s with her?


LES
(shrugs) Who knows?

TIM
I mean, who stays in the joint at this Time o’ night?

GRAHAM
(still with head down) Thank you!

LES
She’s up to something.

TIM
Yeah, obviously.

GRAHAM
(still with head down) NOT up to anything.

TIM
(shrugs and pats at his pockets) Hey, man, I gotta split.

LES
Alright.

(LES and TIM slap palms, TIM crosses backwards to upstage left)

TIM
(as he crosses, pointing to GRAHAM) I’ll catch you later, man.

GRAHAM
No you won’t.

(TIM laughs and shakes his head, turns, and exits upstage left)

LES
(staring at upstage left) So, you’re really taking the wrap for this, huh?

GRAHAM
(picking his head up at last) You got a better way for me to get fired?

LES
(turns to GRAHAM) Why don’t you just quit?

GRAHAM
Oh, don’t be so wet. I already told you, if I quit, then I quit the program at school, and I can’t reapply. If I get fired, I can apply again and get a different job.

LES
So you steal from the register?

GRAHAM
At least I’m not doing it to buy drugs.

LES
Hey, I’m selling them right back.

GRAHAM
(sarcastically, spinning his finger in the air) Whoopie.

LES
Hey, thi-

(a CUSTOMER enters at upstage left)

CUSTOMER1
You guys open?

GRAHAM
Yeah.

(CUSTOMER crosses to counter, briefly glancing at the CUSTOMER at downstage left as he passes)

GRAHAM
What can I get you?

CUSTOMER1
(Motioning towards stage left) Change for the cigarette machine out front. (Hands GRAHAM some money)

GRAHAM
Sub Shack doesn’t make change, you have to buy something.

CUSTOMER1
But the food here sucks.

LES
(muttering) Tell me about it.

(GRAHAM elbows LES)


GRAHAM
(Rolling his eyes, monotonous and sarcastic) Sir, Sub Shack offers a fine variety of pre-packaged, Brand name style chips and soft drinks. If our food is unsatisfactory, might I suggest you try one of those.

CUSTOMER1
All I want is change.

GRAHAM
(obstinately) Bugger off, then. Go down to Harry’s Burger Depot if you want change so bad.

CUSTOMER1
Fine. (Crosses to upstage left) And I’m never coming here again!

(CUSTOMER exits)

LES
(sarcastically) Weep, sob.

GRAHAM
Okay, where were we?

LES
Oh, yeah. I can’t afford to quit or get fired. I’m only selling this stuff until I can afford to quit this job and get a better one.

(CUSTOMER crosses from downstage left to counter)

GRAHAM
(under his breath) Shhh, act natural.

LES
What?

MAIN CUSTOMER
You guys give free refills?

LES
(Cheerily) Yes. (Face faults, realizing what he just said)

(She hands them her cup. As they refill it, the CUSTOMER glances around, behind the counter, and towards upstage right)

GRAHAM
(Handing her the cup) Here ya go.

MAIN CUSTOMER (Quickly facing GRAHAM) Thanks.

[The STE]

(CUSTOMER crosses back to booth at downstage left)

GRAHAM
(Pulling LES by the shirt closer) What the crap was that?

LES
(pushing GRAHAM’s and down, shrugging) I dunno, man, it was habit.

GRAHAM
Well thanks a lot, Captain Wow, you just totally screwed us over. She was about to leave.

LES
First of all, you don’t know that fer sure. Second, you’re not one to talk, mister “we don’t make change.”

GRAHAM
Well we don’t!

LES
But it would’ve gotten him out quicker if you would have just gave him some change.

GRAHAM
It didn’t matter, the other one was still here. Besides, we’ve got to keep up the appearance of working until we can leave. And at least I’m doing my job. You’re just standing there.

LES
hey, I did the free refill.

GRAHAM
Yeah, and it totally f- (catches himself, calms down. Quieter) Let’s just get back to feigning work. She has to leave sometime.

LES
Unless she’s u-

GRAHAM
Les…

LES
Alright, alright.

(LES crosses to upstage right)

GRAHAM
(sighs, stares off into space) What would Brian Boitono do?

(A CUSTOMER enters from upstage left)

CUSTOMER2
You open?

GRAHAM
(nonchalantly) Yeah.

(CUSTOMER crosses to counter, noticing the CUSTOMER at the booth as she crosses)

CUSTOMER2
Bag of Lays.

GRAHAM
$3.50

(They exchange money, GRAHAM making change from his pocket, and the CUSTOMER exits with the bag of chips)

GRAHAM
“Are you open?” No, we’re building squirrel traps. Idiots. (Looking towards CUSTOMER, to himself) What are you doing here? (shakes head)

(CUSTOMER rustles around with food wrapper. GRAHAM goes through the food at the counter and makes himself a sandwich)

LES
(from upstage right) Hey, make me one, too.

GRAHAM
Make it yourself.

(LES crosses to the counter)

LES
Guess I’ll just get some turkey slices or something. (reaches to the counter)

GRAHAM
That’s the tofurky. (Points to another part of the counter) THAT’S the turkey.

LES
Tofurky?

GRAHAM
Fake turkey, made from Tofu.

LES
Why do we have Tofurky?

GRAHAM
Management wants to be more open minded.

LES
That stuff any good?

GRAHAM
Open mindedness?

LES
Tofurky.

GRAHAM
(shrugs) Not really.

(CUSTOMER crosses to counter)

LES
(perks up) All done?

MAIN CUSTOMER
Not quite. (quickly whips a gun out) Put your hands in the air, this is a robbery!

(GRAHAM and LES stand dumbfounded)

LES
(Smiles, turns to GRAHAM) Dude, I told you!

GRAHAM
Great.

MAIN CUSTOMER
I said get your hands in the air!

(GRAHAM and LES put hands in the air)

GRAHAM
This is just perfect.

LES
(Mocking GRAHAM) “She’s not up to anything, Les!”

MAIN CUSTOMER
Shut up!

GRAHAM
Thank you!

MAIN CUSTOMER
You too! Both of you, on the ground!

(GRAHAM and LES cross to front of counter, get on ground)

GRAHAM
(groaning) Bloody hell.

MAIN CUSTOMER
…did you just say ‘bloody hell?’

GRAHAM
(indifferently)…yeah.

(MAIN CUSTOMER drops arms to side)

MAIN CUSTOMER
Are you br- (Shakes head, points gun at GRAHAM and LES) I said shut up! You, Harry Goldfarb, (pointing to LES) Empty the register!

LES
(eyes go wide)…do what, now?

(GRAHAM and LES look at each other)

MAIN CUSTOMER
Just do it!

LES
Alright…

(LES gets up, crosses to behind counter. He opens the register and hands the MAIN CUSTOMER a small amount of bills)

MAIN CUSTOMER
…are you kidding me? Most of this is what I gave you for my food!

LES
Slow night?

MAIN CUSTOMER
Where’s the safe?

LES
(shrugs) What safe?

MAIN CUSTOMER
Don’t play games with me, I know this place has a safe. Even friggen Harry’s Burger Depot has a safe, now go empty it!

GRAHAM
(looking up) You’re not going with him?

MAIN CUSTOMER
Shut up! Why would I go with him?

LES
Should I-

MAIN CUSTOMER
(Turns to LES) Shut up! (turns to GRAHAM) Well?

GRAHAM
Oh, me. Well, being the robber, wouldn’t you want to keep an eye on him? I mean, we could have a shotgun-

LES
Or Flamethrower!

GRAHAM
(shuts eyes in annoyance)…or flamethrower…back there.

MAIN CUSTOMER
Flame thrower?

GRAHAM
Point being, you don’t know.

MAIN CUSTOMER
Wait, wouldn’t you run away if I went back there?

GRAHAM
That’s why you threaten to kill him if I run.


LES
Hey!

MAIN CUSTOMER
So…if I do that…you won’t run?

(GRAHAM crosses his heart and holds up his right hand)

MAIN CUSTOMER
Alright. (To LES) Let’s go.

(MAIN CUSTOMER crosses to behind counter and she and LES turn to cross to upstage right)

GRAHAM
Not that you’ll find anything, the safe is empty.

(MAIN CUSTOMER stops suddenly, LES runs into her)

MAIN CUSTOMER
…what?

GRAHAM
The safe, it’s empty, too.

MAIN CUSTOMER
(turns to face GRAHAM) Why is the safe empty?

GRAHAM
(turns over, lying on the floor on his back) No money in it.

MAIN CUSTOMER
(Points at GRAHAM with gun) Don’t sass back at me!

LES
Dude, don’t sass back at her.

GRAHAM
I’m not sassing back. The safe is empty.

MAIN CUSTOMER
Why?

(GRAHAM looks at LES, LES shakes his head ‘no’)

GRAHAM
(Shrugs) You must’ve robbed it already.

(LES facepalms)

MAIN CUSTOMER
(lowering hands, shakes head) WHAT?

GRAHAM
Worth a shot. The safe is empty.

MAIN CUSTOMER
(turning to LES) Why is the safe empty?

LES
(As if a great idea has just dawned on him)…because there’s no money in it!

GRAHAM
We took the money.

LES
Dude!

GRAHAM
What? Screw you, I wanna get out of here.

MAIN CUSTOMER
You two…

GRAHAM
Took the money.

MAIN CUSTOMER
I don’t believe you.

GRAHAM
Not my problem.

(MAIN CUSTOMER waves gun)

GRAHAM
Oh…yeah…it is.

MAIN CUSTOMER
Okay, if you have the money, give it to me.

GRAHAM
(shrugs) Okay.

LES
(pulling out a gun) No.

MAIN CUSTOMER
Oh, for Christ’s sake.

GRAHAM
I didn’t know you carried a gun.

LES
We’re not giving her the money.

GRAHAM
Dude, we can rob the place again later.

MAIN CUSTOMER
Yeah.

LES
That’s not the point. Look, this was your dumb ass plan, we’re doing this now!

MAIN CUSTOMER
I don’t think so!

LES
(points gun at MAIN CUSTOMER) Shut up!

MAIN CUSTOMER
(points gun at LES) You shut up!

GRAHAM
(shaking his foot a bit) My foot’s asleep.

LES and MAIN CUSTOMER
(turn heads towards GRAHAM) Shut up!

OFF-STAGE CUSTOMER
Are you open?

ALL
(turn to upstage left) NO!

GRAHAM
(turns back to LES) Why don’t we take the money later?

LES
Look, you got me into this! And you were always the one complaining about this crap job, not me! I already had a plan! (Takes out a bag of heroin, throws it at GRAHAM) But noooooo! You had to talk me into this! It had to be tonight! Well, we’ve started it and we’re going to finish it! And by the way, (turns to MAIN CUSTOMER) you suck at this!

MAIN CUSTOMER
Like you two are any better!

LES
In case you forgot, we HAVE the money!

MAIN CUSTOMER
No, I mean the clerk bit. This is the worst Sub Shack I’ve EVER robbed!

GRAHAM
(holds up one finger) Attempted to rob.

MAIN CUSTOMER
That guy (motions to GRAHAM) does all the work, and he’s not even any good at it! His gloves are dirty, my sandwich was COLD, and what was the deal with the change?!

GRAHAM
We don’t make change.

MAIN CUSTOMER
Every place makes change! Harry’s Burger Depot makes change!

GRAHAM
…Sub Shack makes change?

(LES looks towards upstage left and suddenly puts his gun under the counter)

GRAHAM
Dude, wha-

(2 police officers enter suddenly from upstage left, guns drawn)

COP 1
Freeze, drop your weapon!

MAIN CUSTOMER
(Dropping gun) Did you hit an alarm?

GRAHAM
(raising hand) Oh, yes, that was me.

(The cops cross to behind the counter and handcuff the MAIN CUSTOMER. They all cross together to the front of the counter. One of the cops notices the bag of heroin on the ground.)

COP 2
Ma’am, is this yours?

LES
(perks up) Yes, officer, that’s hers!

MAIN CUSTOMER
(turning head back to face LES) Oh, you son of a-

COP 1
Alright, shut it up you!

(The two cops shove the MAIN CUSTOMER towards upstage left, and they all exit. GRAHAM gets up as LES crosses to center stage, and they both stand, facing upstage left)

GRAHAM
…huh.

LES
Well…

(They stand there for a moment)

GRAHAM
I think we’d better close up.

LES
Yeah, I think that’d be best.

(LES grabs a bag from upstage right behind the counter and they quickly cross to upstage left, GRAHAM tossing his gloves behind them as they exit)