Forgiving but maybe not Forgetting

[monalisa]

I've been thinking a lot about this and was wondering how others deal with this. I am generally a very forgiving person, sometimes to a fault. I don't necessarily forget though. Not to the point of all out holding a grudge, but just being aware. I am usually willing to give a person another chance, but I will be wary of them, and sometimes even that goes away with time.

Some people have so badly betrayed me, I just have chosen to not have them in my life at all so they don't get another chance to hurt me. This happened here, and I don't want to bring up old bad feelings, but others have, so I will, but in a more gentle way. I hestitate to even mention the name, but if I beat around the bush the new people will just get curious and this will turn into a big "who is she talking about" thing. Trippin' fooled me and betrayed me so badly, I can't even describe the pain I went through cuz of that guy. For the new people, PM me and I can tell you who and how awful this person is, I'd rather you do that than clutter this thread up with all that bullshit.

Anyway, I was totally wrong about him and I sincerely apologize for any wrong-doing on my part while I was still caught up in his web of deceit. He not only fooled me and betrayed me and totally fucked up my life at the time, he is still fucking up my life in some ways today.

So....my point of this whole thread is:

How to other people deal with the whole "forgive and forget" philosophy? This is not meant as a place to beat each other up with rude comments, although humor is welcome. I am always interested in hearing other people's thoughts and how they deal with things in life. Hope you are too.

[La Chat Noire]

I don't know if it's ever really possible to forget...the best you can do is try and not let the your past with the person affect the present. If you say you've forgiven them you can't bring it up again later during another fight. Supposedly forgiveness means wiping the slate clean and each following incident becomes isolated. I'm personally not so good with this. When's someone wrongs me, it stays in the back of my mind. My question is, if you can't forget can you truly offer forgiveness?

[Painfulldeath]

I would say it depends on the severity of the action and the type of relationship you have with the wrongdoer. For me, I try to forgive as much as I possibly can. Holding a grudge (in my case) does take way too much energy and really isn't healthy. On the other hand, there are things that I consider are unforgivable. If someone crosses that line, then I cut them out. Plain and simple.

[Vodstok]

I had moved past much of thebullshit i dealt with from my family growing up; an abusive sister, uninvolved parents (I was 17 before my dad tried to have "the talk" with me.... I had my first sex ed class in 4th grade. Way to stay on top of things there pops...), but it all came flooding back when my family couldnt be bothered to go even a little bit out of their way to see my daughter.


And then my mom had the audacity to tell me that my niece would always be treated better, even than her own sister, because she was "unexpected". Basically, my entire family acted like they didnt know my sister was pregnant.

What the fuck? I didnt think she was "just getting fat". I didnt say anythign because up until she gave birth, they pretended she wasnt. How the hell could everyone NOT tell she was pregnant?!

Anyway, I hold a huge grudge against them like a badge. i have no intention of ever forgiving or forgetting. My life is easier and way happier without them.

[monalisa]

You both have really good points. Edit: Sorry Vod, hadn't read your post yet, reading it now.

I think forgiveness is the start of the healing process. It means giving a person another chance, but we don't have to be blind about it. Maybe that's not true forgiveness, but it's probably as close as humans can get. IMO

I don't hold grudges because, I agree, it's a waste of energy that could be used for something better. Like killing the people that have wronged you (JUST KIDDING!!!) But seriously, I'd rather use my energy for something positive, cuz frankly, the negative shit just wears me down.

[Phalanx]

i have no intention of ever forgiving or forgetting. My life is easier and way happier without them.

This is the decision that usually ends a cycle.
I don't really bother "forgiving", and I don't really think "forgetting" is even a possibility in most cases..
Carry on with your life and don't waste too much time dwelling.

[monalisa]

Originally Posted by Vodstok

I had moved past much of thebullshit i dealt with from my family growing up; an abusive sister, uninvolved parents (I was 17 before my dad tried to have "the talk" with me.... I had my first sex ed class in 4th grade. Way to stay on top of things there pops...), but it all came flooding back when my family couldnt be bothered to go even a little bit out of their way to see my daughter.


And then my mom had the audacity to tell me that my niece would always be treated better, even than her own sister, because she was "unexpected". Basically, my entire family acted like they didnt know my sister was pregnant.

What the fuck? I didnt think she was "just getting fat". I didnt say anythign because up until she gave birth, they pretended she wasnt. How the hell could everyone NOT tell she was pregnant?!

Anyway, I hold a huge grudge against them like a badge. i have no intention of ever forgiving or forgetting. My life is easier and way happier without them.

Unfortunately, I've been through an emense amount of crap from my sister, and I have very limited contact with her. That's a part of what I meant when I said "Some people have so badly betrayed me, I just have chosen to not have them in my life at all so they don't get another chance to hurt me. " I don't necessarily consider that a grudge, but more self-preservation.

[monalisa]

Originally Posted by Phalanx

...
Carry on with your life and don't waste too much time dwelling.

Man, if I could just remember that! :)

[Nella]

I'm terrible about holding grudges, especially against my parents, brothers, and sisters-in-law. I'm working on that. I've given them so many chances because they are my family. It's when something new happens that I remember ALL the things each of them have said and done to me. That's the way my family is. It's dysfunctional. Everyone blames me for this or that even though it's not always or even often my fault. I take too much blame that I shouldn't have to. The guilt I feel makes me sick, literally, and sometimes I feel enraged. My SIL suggested that we all go to therapy as a family but my parents won't do it. She's also the newest member of our family.

The day my dad buried my puppy, my mom provoked a fight which made me feel even more pain. The next day, she came to my house and started sweeping my kitchen floor even though I kept asking her not to. She made comments about it that hurt me.

I still call them because I love them and wouldn't want anything to happen to either of us with hard feelings. I have eight good friends. Over half of them have said that they are f***ed up. I've had professionals, i.e. doctors who've told me the same thing. I'm supposed to avoid toxic people. I have no choice with my parents because they do so much for me and my son. There's a lot of jealousy of me and my son running in the family because my parents do help us. My dad's putting my son through college because my ex abandoned him and I can't afford to do it. So you see, I'm trapped in a lot of ways. My family has ruined my life, or the fact that I'm sensitive about the way they feel about me has done the damage. The result is the same. I have no one else in my life but them. Friends can only do and say what they can.

As for other people, I never forget a person who's said things to me that I wouldn't say to them. I do try to get along with them and forgive them.

Grudges can cripple me. It's happened over the last year and a half, especially. My physical and emotional health have declined due to family cruelty and neglect. The sticks and stones thing isn't really true. Words hurt far worse than being beaten, in my opinion.

With that said, I'm still working on going on with my life. I have a strong will or I might be dead by now. That's no exaggeration. Having faith in a higher power helps a lot.

[pinkfloyd45769]

You can never really forget and it takes a big person to forgive.I have learned that its easier to forgive than to hold a grudge.It would be nice to forget things,i just don't think we woiuld learn those hard lessons in life if it was that easy!