Short "Halloween" spoof I wrote.

[massacre man]

My friends and I plan on filming this, I wrote it for the hell of it, I tried keeping most of the characters and songs the same, there are a few in-jokes in here, sorry about that. But can you tell me what you think if you have time to read it. Thanks.

*The Myers house is shown, "God of Thunder" by Kiss is playing, Young Michael is shown wearing the Bigfoot mask in his bedroom holding a Beenie Baby, and a spork. Cut to downstairs, Judith is in the kitchen and Ronnie is at the table*

Ronnie: Why are you dressed like a whore?

Judith: Because I can do what I want.

Ronnie: Well, back in my days in the Civil War girls like you would be tied up in the back of my lunar lander while I went to town on your Goo-Goo chute.

*Michael walks downstairs, Judith exits the room*

Ronnie: Hey, what ya got that mask on for? You plan on suckin' some dick ya little fagboy?

*Michael doesn't respond*

Ronnie: You think ignoring me makes you a man? I lost three arms in 'Nam and still stopped Hitler from crushing the Canadians with his steam roller. Come back to me when you get hair on your ballsack. Until then you're just a little fagboy.

*Michael just looks away*

Ronnie: Listen you little phanny bandit, if you don't say something I'm gonna wrap a burlap sack around your head and drop you in the river.

*Michael doesn't respond*

Ronnie: Get out of my god damn house!

*Michael stands and walks out of the house, he walks toward the woods when the bully pushes him*

Bully: Hey, where ya goin'? To see your mom? I heard she was a hooker.

*Michael glares at the Bully*

Bully: I gave her 20 cents about 10 years ago, I could be your dad, if it's possible to get pregnant through your ear.

*Michael takes a step closer*

Bully: Oh, you wanna scrap? GET SOME!

*The Bully pushes Michael to the ground and starts walking away, Michael picks up a small twig, "Don't Fear The Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult starts to play, Michael walks up to the bully and beats him to death with the twig*

*That night, Michael is sitting on the floor in front of the TV, Ronnie is laying on the couch*

Ronnie: Is there anybody that Ashton Kutcher can't Punk!?

*Judith walks downstairs*

Ronnie: Aren't you taking this little fairy trick or treating?

Judith: Nah, I'm talkin' to this boy online, it's gettin' freaky.

Ronnie: Now he's gonna be complainin'! You whore, back in the WW1 we would strap bitches like you to the fronts of Hummers and ram the gates at concentration camps to free the Mexicans!

Judith: Well, that's just too bad because AssHole69 is freaky 'n fine.

*Judith leaves the room, Ronnie falls asleep, Michael stands up and leaves the room, he walks back in with a box marked "Snake", cut to Ronnie's face, he opens his eyes and gets a scared look, when he looks down he sees the stuffed snake from "Dingleberry Finn" on his chest, Michael then walks upstairs and slides open the door to Judith's room, he walks in and sees Judith shirtless sleeping, Michael picks up the pillow next to her, slaps her stomach, when she raises her head Michael smothers her with the pillow, the screen goes black as soon as Judith stops moving*

FIFTEEN YEARS LATER

*Dr. Loomis is sitting across a table from Michael, now fully grown, Loomis is the same character Savvas had in Punk'd*

Loomis: Dude, Michael, come on, you gotta tell me why you did this!

*Michael stares at him blankly, still wearing the Bigfoot mask*

Loomis: Come on man, you've been wearing that mask for 15 years! Take it off and let me see your face!

*Michael doesn't respond*

Loomis: Forget it! I quit man! I'm just gonna go hang out at Starbucks!

*Loomis stands and walks away, Cut to Michael in his cell, Ismael Cruz walks in and sits next to him*

Ismael: I know is hard, I been behind these walls before when I try to clean my dirty baby in the washerdryer, but they let me go after I sue when I get cracker stuck in my esophagus and I can't breathe.

*Noel Kluggs and the other guard enter, Noel seems to be redneck and the other guard seems normal, they force Ismael to leave*

Noel: Hey shithead, we're moving you to maximum security so get your big ass up and come with us.

Other guard: Dude, he's pretty creepy.

Noel: Eh, he ain't so tough, I raped him a few times when he was 12, if you catch my drift.

Other guard: Wh... what!?

Noel: I stuck my thing in him while he was sleeping.

Other guard: Oh.

*Noel and the guard prepare to chain Michael up, but only wrap his hands in a rubber band, cut to the two escorting Michael, Michael slips his hands out of the rubber band, he pushes the other guard down the stairs and starts choking Noel*

Noel: You better bet when I get out of this I'm hittin' that sweet ass again!

*Noel makes strange noises until he is finally killed, cut to Ismael entering the room and seeing the other guard on the floor*

Ismael: What happen? Did the tiger pop out and break your ankle?

*Michael suddenly appears and tosses Ismael up the stairs and smashes the other guard's head into the floor, Michael stands and leaves*

Ismael: I don't get no broken bones, I drink a lots of milk.

[massacre man]

*Cut to Laurie, Annie, and Lynda walking down the street, seemingly coming from school*

Lynda: So girls, what are your plans for Halloween Night?

Laurie: I have to babysit the little Yiannoulou kid.

Lynda: Who?

Laurie: This greek family that lives down the street.

Lynda: I hate Greek people, they always smell like bread, anyway, what about you Annie?

Annie: Paul and I were gonna have a romantic evening, and chuck eggs at trick or treaters. And you?

Lynda: Well, Bob's coming over, I'm thinking maybe I'll rock his world tonight. You should join in Laurie.

Laurie: No thanks, I'm not into that type of thing.

Annie: You're not into any type of thing, that's why you don't have a boyfriend.

Laurie: Nobody would go out with be, even if I wanted them to.

Lynda: I'm sure you could pull somebody like Duncan Yewell.

Laurie: Ewww, not in a million years.

Annie: Oh, come on Laurie, don't be so shallow, have a heart.

Laurie: Isn't he like half-retarded?

Lynda: Retards can be sweet, I used to go out with a retarded kid, he always bought me flowers, he always ate them afterward, but he always bought me flowers.

Laurie: Really? Then I guess you could talk to him.

*Cut to night-time, a pizza delivery car pulls into a driveway, "Tom Sawyer" by Rush is playing, Joe Grizzly gets out holding the trademark Michael Myers mask in his hand prancing around with a smile*

Joe Grizzly: BOOOO!

*Joe walks into the bathroom, sets the mask on the sink and sits down, Michael enters the bathroom, Joe stands up*

Joe Grizzly: Hey big guy.

*Michael stares at him*

Joe Grizzly: So, not much of a talker? I like that... Let me introduce myself, I'm Big Joe Quigley.

*Michael grabs Joe's wrists and slams him against the wall, Joe slips his hands out, turns around and puts his hands back*

Joe Grizzly: Have your way with me if you want, vile villain!

*Michael notices the mask on the sink, he lets go of Joe and swaps mask, then leaves the bathroom*

Joe Grizzly: Where ya goin'!?

*Cut to Loomis talking to Sheriff Brackett*

Loomis: Dude, you gotta help me! Michael escaped!

Brackett: Who?

Loomis: Michael Myers! That kid that killed those people a few years ago!

Brackett: What makes you think he'd come here?

Loomis: This is where he grew up, I've seen his house, it's radical!

Brackett: How did you see it, a family lives there now.

Loomis: I broke in while they were on vacation!

Brackett: You're sure he's in this town?

Loomis: As sure as Nicole Richie is pregnant!

Brackett: Then let's find him, god damn it.

*Cut to Bob with Lynda, they are sitting in the guitar room at the Myers house*

Bob: Come on, we can't just do it once.

Lynda: Go get me a beer and we'll see.

*Bob gets up and rushes out of the room, Michael then enters, he leans over top of Lynda and starts to choke her, Bob comes back in and sees Michael over top of Lynda*

Bob: Slut...

*Bob leaves the room and goes to the room with the TV, "Love Hurts" by Nazareth begins to play, he sits on the couch and starts to move his arm to make it seem like he's playing with himself, Michael enters the room and grabs him, pulling him over the couch and dropping him on the ground, Bob tries to crawl away but Michael pulls him back*

*Cut to Laurie upstairs in the living room, there is a knock at the door, she opens it and it's Annie*

Annie: Hey, I talked to Duncan.

Laurie: Really?

Annie: Yeah, he seemed excited.

Laurie: For real? What did he say?

Annie: Well, he said *In a retarded voice* "I wanna ride in a fire truck!"

Laurie: Oh, how sweet.

Annie: Yeah, do you mind if I come in?

Laurie: No, come in. Don't go down stairs, Lynda and Bob are down there, I heard some bangs and moans so I wouldn't risk going down there.

Annie: Oh, well when they're done Paul and I get it, my dad's home and he's always trying to video tape us. Where's the Yinanaboobloo kid?

Laurie: I'm not sure, when I got here nobody was home.

Annie: Well, Paul's coming here, so I guess I'm your company for a little while at least.

Laurie: Did Duncan say anything else about me?

Annie: He rambled on about baseball, then he started mumbling and fell asleep.

Laurie: Dreamy.

*The front door opens and Paul's extremely Jewish voice is heard*

Paul: I'm here!

Annie: Hi Paul!

Paul: Hey babe, how are you Laurie, is everything working out alright for ya? Everything's out alright for me, I found a 5 dollar bill on the side of the road when I was walking over here to save gas money.

Laurie: Hi, Paul.

Annie: So Laurie, can me and Paul go onto the back porch?

Laurie: Knock yourself out, I'm gonna rummage for jewelery upstairs.

*Annie and Paul go onto the back porch and sit with their backs facing the steps*

Annie: So, how do you spend this romantic evening before we get the basement?

Paul: I'd really like to help Laurie rummage for jewelery, we could get some money for that then maybe she'd be so swept off her feet with joy she'd have a three-way with us then while she was focusing on you I could sneak away with all the money.

*Michael steps onto the porch, grabs Paul by the shoulder and pushes him off the porch, the view of Annie is shown from beneath the porch, she runs to the edge and reaches down toward Paul screaming when Michael suddenly pulls her off-screen and the screaming stops*

*Cut to Loomis and Brackett standing outside of the house *

Brackett: So he'll definitely be here?

Loomis: Definitely dude!

Brackett: Then let's go in.

Loomis: Wait, I got a question for you before we go in there!

Brackett: What's that?

Loomis: What are you? Are you Mexican or Indian or Black or what?!

Brackett: Actually I'm Jewish.

*Loomis receives a frightened look, he yells and runs away*

*Cut to Laurie walking into the back yard, she sees Paul on the ground, seemingly dead, she kneels next to him*

Laurie: Paul, are you ok?

*Paul opens his eyes*

Paul: Oi my back! I think it's broken!

Laurie: What happened?

Paul: Some bad man threw me off the porch!

*Michael steps down from the porch, Laurie picks up a stick and attempts to hit Michael, it does nothing, she tries running but trips, Michael picks her up and walks away, just as he turns the corner, Loomis runs around screaming, he sees Paul*

Loomis: Dude! You got F'd in the A! What happened to you!?

Paul: The bad man broke my back!

*Loomis hears Paul's voice and runs, he sees Michael carrying Laurie*

Loomis: Dude, Stop!

*Michael drops Laurie and turns around*

Loomis: Leave these innocent people alone man! We can stop and get a pizza afterward, just come with me!

*Loomis gets closer to Michael, Michael slaps Loomis, knocking him out, Michael turns and Laurie is gone, the Halloween theme starts playing*

THE END, Mr. Sandman plays over the credits.

[_____V_____]

Its...good.