If I may be so bold...

[bwind22]

I posted this where it belongs (Filmmaker's Forum) but no one really goes there all that often so after a little thought, I decided to post it here as well.

I am in the process of writing a screenplay (My 1st feature length) and I just completed the 1st rough draft of the 1st scene and would really like any and all feedback (positive or negative) anyone can offer. So if it's not too much trouble, please click the link below, which will take you over to the thread in the Filmmaker's Forum, give it a quick read (It's pretty short) and let me know what you think.

http://www.horror.com/forum/showthre...105#post420105

Thanks!





P.S. If you are someone that can not stand me or I have been an asshole to over the years, you're still welcome to come check it out too. Think of this as your chance to tear me to shreds while I stand idley by and take it all with a smile in the name of constructive criticism.

:D

[Zero]

i did - it was cool, had one thought but posted it on the thread

[bwind22]

Without even going to read what you wrote yet, thanks for checking it out!

:)

[AUSTIN316426808]

Originally posted by bwind22
Would this scene be something that would catch your attention enough in the first couple minutes for you to have enough interest to want to keep watching? Be honest....

To be perfectly honest that's not enough to go on. I'll watch absolutely anything past the first scene.

[Angelakillsluts]

made my post in the original thread.

[newb]

Not bad....l do kinda like zero's idea..the little bastard is totally indifferent.

[Zero]

Originally posted by newb
Not bad....l do kinda like zero's idea..the little bastard is totally indifferent.

thanks - i think it would, at least, be a bit different from the usual 'childhood trauma' thing

[bwind22]

I like Zero's idea too. A lot.

It just doesn't work with what happens to the character really. Here's a little more info, so you can see what I mean... After the credits, it jumps to present day. The kid is now 22, lives with his grandparents, and is in college where he is a total social outcast. One day, he snaps and becomes the killer, but up until that point, hes just a huge social reject (Think Columbine or something).

I don't know... Zero's idea could fit in there somehow, but I kinda had him pictured as not being cruel, cold or calculated until the day in college when he snaps...

I'm definately mulling it over... It could probably work somehow...

If I use it, I'll be sure to give a shout to Zero @ HDC in the end credits. ;)

[newb]

Originally posted by bwind22
I like Zero's idea too. A lot.

It just doesn't work with what happens to the character really. Here's a little more info, so you can see what I mean... After the credits, it jumps to present day. The kid is now 22, lives with his grandparents, and is in college where he is a total social outcast. One day, he snaps and becomes the killer, but up until that point, hes just a huge social reject (Think Columbine or something).

I don't know... Zero's idea could fit in there somehow, but I kinda had him pictured as not being cruel, cold or calculated until the day in college when he snaps...

I'm definately mulling it over... It could probably work somehow...

If I use it, I'll be sure to give a shout to Zero @ HDC in the end credits. ;)

His apathy at the beginning of the story could be the catalyst for his "snapping".

[bwind22]

Ooo... I like.

So it'd go like this...


Dad kills mom.
Dad kills self.
Kid checks on mom.
Kid sits down and finishes movie. (This part would be in the background while the camera's main focus is on the growing pool of blood next to dads head and mom's lifeless leg as the credits roll...)
Kids movie ends, he gets up & calmly walks to the phone, dials 911.

Fade out.

Then fade in to present day.



Something like that is what you guys are thinkin? I like it. That could work.