IA75's patented Column Machine

[ItsAlive75]

So I've recently come into possession of a machine that takes people's problems and turns them into sharp, incisive columns. It's weird... say someone told me that their neighbor beats his son. My machine will take that and turn it into a witty editorial, lickety split.

If anyone wants to see this awesome machine in action, PM me with an issue or problem that irritates or upsets you. I'll put it into the machine, and after a little while, your problem will be editorialized in this thread. Give it a try, ya pansies.

[Haunted]

No. It would be totally embarassing.

[Yellow Jacket]

I just PM'd you my story. It's funny to begin with. But, I know you can make it even more amusing. I hope!

[ItsAlive75]

(( YELLOW JACKET ))

Here's the thing about dogs. They're man's best friend, yeah... but on the whole, they're really, really stupid. They pledge their allegiance to people and things seemingly at random. They eat their own shit. They chase their tails. But God dammit, they're probably the best companion a guy could ever have. So what does that mean? That we're only happy with idiocy? Can we only feel comfortable when the loyalty paid to us is from someone or something that doesn't even know what the word means?

Take YJ's dog. It loves his mom, hates him. He'll sit next to his ma, and the dog will get jealous and attack him. IT WILL GET JEALOUS. This animal chews on tennis balls that have been sitting under the stove for three and a half months. This dog sniffs other animals' assholes and fucking ENJOYS it. And worse still, YJ cares that the dog doesn't like him!

Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to randomly choose two friends of mine, and act like a complete dick to them. I'm talking spitting at them when they're talking to me, badmouthing them in front of loved ones, and overall being a horrible human being to them both socially and privately. And then I'll pick one freind and treat him like a fucking diety. What is this going to prove? That I am no smarter than a fucking dog, BUT my friends are even dumber for caring.

[Yellow Jacket]

Originally posted by ItsAlive75
(( YELLOW JACKET ))

Here's the thing about dogs. They're man's best friend, yeah... but on the whole, they're really, really stupid. They pledge their allegiance to people and things seemingly at random. They eat their own shit. They chase their tails. But God dammit, they're probably the best companion a guy could ever have. So what does that mean? That we're only happy with idiocy? Can we only feel comfortable when the loyalty paid to us is from someone or something that doesn't even know what the word means?

Take YJ's dog. It loves his mom, hates him. He'll sit next to his ma, and the dog will get jealous and attack him. IT WILL GET JEALOUS. This animal chews on tennis balls that have been sitting under the stove for three and a half months. This dog sniffs other animals' assholes and fucking ENJOYS it. And worse still, YJ cares that the dog doesn't like him!

Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to randomly choose two friends of mine, and act like a complete dick to them. I'm talking spitting at them when they're talking to me, badmouthing them in front of loved ones, and overall being a horrible human being to them both socially and privately. And then I'll pick one freind and treat him like a fucking diety. What is this going to prove? That I am no smarter than a fucking dog, BUT my friends are even dumber for caring.

LMFAO!!! Good story IA!

[ItsAlive75]

(( HAUNTED ))

It's hard to get along. But seriously, it's much harder to be dicks to each other.

Think about it. You don't like something somebody says to you... correction, what somebody TYPES to you, what should you do? Should you write a 5 minute long response ripping that person a new one? Or should you just ignore it? The latter seems a whole lot easier.

We're being rude to each other again. Very rude. It's nonsense to say, "Get some thicker skin" when the insults are coming from someone you've never met, and possibly never will. We're a homophily, we all have something in common; we're all seriously fucked up people who enjoy horror movies and the things that are relevant to them. That's difficult to find, a group of STRANGERS who can all get along due to a similar taste.Most of us have been here a while, and although I'm not picking out specific people, we need to get along better. No sing alongs, no apologies, no recognition whatsoever. Let's just be a community again.

[pinkfloyd45769]

Originally posted by ItsAlive75
(( HAUNTED ))

It's hard to get along. But seriously, it's much harder to be dicks to each other.

Think about it. You don't like something somebody says to you... correction, what somebody TYPES to you, what should you do? Should you write a 5 minute long response ripping that person a new one? Or should you just ignore it? The latter seems a whole lot easier.

We're being rude to each other again. Very rude. It's nonsense to say, "Get some thicker skin" when the insults are coming from someone you've never met, and possibly never will. We're a homophily, we all have something in common; we're all seriously fucked up people who enjoy horror movies and the things that are relevant to them. That's difficult to find, a group of STRANGERS who can all get along due to a similar taste.Most of us have been here a while, and although I'm not picking out specific people, we need to get along better. No sing alongs, no apologies, no recognition whatsoever. Let's just be a community again.

Well said sweetie!! ;)

[Haunted]

:) :) :) Thanks, IA. That was some good, non controversial advice. You're good guy. Thanks.

[ItsAlive75]

(( AUSTIN ))

Families don't make any sense. You know you love everyone in it, you know you care about how they think about you... but you don't really know why.

Take Austin for example. He split with his gal and the ladies in his family are taking HER side. So is the feminist allegiance bigger than that of family? It's like, "Look bitch. We came out of the same vagina, why are you screaming at me?" I understand how women stick together, but... wait, no I don't.

The problem really lies in that us guys are NEVER going to really understand women. We can say all we want, we can read "My Vagina, My Life" over and over and over and it won't matter a bit. I'm waiting for the male revolution, because every race, gender and ethnicity has had a revolution. It's time for Austin to get his god damned due.

[ItsAlive75]

(( FLAYED ONE ))

Dedication sucks. That's why its so much easier doing something for someone else as opposed to yourself.

Flayed One can't clean his apartment. There's garbage and old food all over the floor, and the garbage never gets taken out. The only thing he keeps organized is his DVD collection. So what do most people see as dedication? Doing whatever makes you feel good and fuck to the rest of it.

I'm not saying we make sure to do EVERYthing we're supposed to, I haven't brought my truck in after the side mirror was busted two weeks ago. Procrastonation isn't always a bad thing. But God DAMN, apartments get smelly. And in my opinion, the only time you should ever really be dedicated to completing something, it should be when there's the possibility of it smelling terrible. Basically, if an attractive woman can get offended by it, you need to clean it.