Would you sugar-coat it?

[ChEEbA]

I know this is a pretty long thread...but hey, stick with me if you can, folks...
This is an issue I have thought about a lot in tha past, especially during my primary and high-school years.
However, after recently viewing the pilot episode of the short lived "freaks and geeks", it got me thinking about this again.

There's a retarded kid in the show, not a MAIN character or anything, but yeah, he's there...so, at one point a couple of guys are messin' around with him for a laugh, not anything TOO kinda cruel, just kinda laughing at his expense.
(Now I gotta say that if the person playing this role DOESN'T actually suffer a mental handicap, he's a brilliant actor)
One of the main characters of the show, a girl, approaches them to tell the guys to quit makin' fun of him, and tries to explain the whole "theyre laughing AT you" concept to the guy, and chooses to put it pretty bluntly "they're not your friends, theyre only laughing at you because you're retarded".

Immediately, the kid turns to his "friends", and is clearly embarrassed, and tries to convince them
"I'm not retarded you know, I'm just special"
Again and again he says it before getting upset and running off.
*STOP*
Now, this is what bothers me...well, I'm not sure if it BOTHERS me, but it makes me ponder nonetheless...Clearly this character was going into defense mode, by saying something he'd been told by parents/guardians, or perhaps school counsellors, or something of that nature.
When I saw this, I remembered back to my school and high-school days, where throughout my time, I had attended verious schools, and all together throughout my primary and high-school years, I would've attended at one point or another with maybe 3 retarded kids in some of the schools, and like 2 autistic kids.
Whenever someone slipped up and used the "insensetive" terminology, they'd either be reassured by a teacher, or stand up and state themselves that they were "special", or something akin to that anyhow. "different" was about the most appropriote term I ever heard used in this case.

Now, I was never one of the asshole kids that made fun of anyone with ANY kind of disability, but I have to admit, I always wondered what the fuck the deal was with this shit...I mean, sure, it could avert a potential tantrum, or upsetting the child in question, but that's only very short term kinda thing.
I mean, if the parents were straight with them from the get-go, this wouldn't be something that would upset them right? I mean, it's not as though you can't talk to these people, it's just a matter of a little extra perseverance, right? I used to tutor one of the retarded kids in basic reading and writing stuff in early highschool, so I'm aware that they're not by any means brainless or dense...things can take some explaining, but stuff gets through, in some cases easier than others.

So, my deal is...parents and teachers...etc that sugar-coat this information to their child...who are they doing it for, the kid, or themselves? And, in the long term, does this really benefit the individual, or simply avert minor crisis after crisis?
Personally, I consider it withholding vital information, but that's just me. I'm not a parent...I don't know how different my perspective would be.

So, I want perspectives from both parents, and non parents alike.

Would you sugar-coat it?
If so, OR of not, please state your reasons for and what you perceive to be the reasons AGAINST your decision.
Sorry to hit y'all with this...but it's ALWAYS played in the back of my mind...


- B

[AUSTIN316426808]

Everybody has that one thing that just sets them off whether it be height,weight,race,sexual orientation ect. and when those assholes find it they don't stop because they're having too much fun from you being pissed. I would suspect that for most autistic children that one thing would be their autism and whether it's been sugar coated for them by parents/guardians/teachers or not it's still going to hurt and it's still going to piss the kid off.

When the assholes at my school found out that I couldn't play football anymore because of my knee they knew I loved football more than anything else(family and friends aside of course) I played, coached a little league team with my dad,trained my cousin(and still do), talked about it all day ect. ect. They knew that and they preyed on it like vultures day after day. I knew what the problem was the doctor didn't sugar coat it and tell me that maybe I'll be able to play again or anything like that he just plain and simply said ''sorry son but it's over'', so when I got picked on about it I knew it was over and what they were saying was true but it still hurt like hell to hear it over and over.

I know autism is severly different from my situation but the point I'm trying to make is that it doesn't matter if it's sugar coated or not it still hurts like hell. I think for the most part they understand what's going on and just don't want to be called whatever inappropriate,useless and moronic thing they're being called. Say you're talking with an autistic child and the subject is brought up of their condition, I'm sure if you say autistic,different or any other suttle and appropriate term they wouldn't mind too much but if you start the conversation with ''It must be hard being slow'' or any other foolish comment that jackasses have to say then I'm sure they'd get pissed.

The way to resolve the problem is to have as small of an amount of tollerrance as possible in schools. Tell the kid about his/herself, tell the parents,give 'em a month of detention and a week of suspension. Three strikes and you're out, I don't think it's harsh at all because the bottom line is the fuckers shouldn't be doing it in the first place so why take it easy on 'em when they do it.

[ChEEbA]

Thankyou for taking the time to reply at such lengths.
I totally agree, children can be assholes, and tolerance for that which is different isn't widely preached...I mean, sure, they don't get the full implications of what they are doing, but all the same, a lot of kids could use some better upbringing.
I get that it IS about the way you approach it, as with many conditions and situations, however...I'm still confused as to why it has to be sugar coated...like, I guess it's the parents individual point of view, but for the record, personally, I'd be frank and direct with my child...teach them that "retarded", or whichever condition they are inflicted with isnt something to pass off as bullshit, to be taken seriously, and not to be ashamed of...but yeah, that's not to say that 20 other asshole kids wouldnt try to convince them otherwise...
I just can't really make sense of this on way or another, it seems that the outside influence would be there regardless of "sugar coating" things or not...maybe the problem is just the acceptance thing.
Unfortunate.

[AUSTIN316426808]

Originally posted by ChEEbA
Thankyou for taking the time to reply at such lengths.

No problem...


I probably would be straight with my kid too, explain the situation let 'em know it's nothing to be ashamed of and to be proud of who they are and fuck anybody who's got a problem with that.

[ChEEbA]

Guys, Austin has shed a lot of light on the subject...but I'd still like to get some more input here, from parents and non-parents alike, so if you have a moment...?

[ChEEbA]

I'm surprised...nobody with anything worth saying on this?

[meetthecreeper]

Ok I'll bite.

I was moved from the 4th grade into a behavior disorder class, because I was deemed hyperactive. Today would probably be called ADD.

I was in a class with kids that were problem children, ones who refused to do school work, misbehaved in class things of that nature.

I made best friends with a guy who you could say was mildly retarded, he actually has a speech impediment and was difficult to understand. He had difficulty communicating with others.

Funny thing is him and myself were both reading at a college level, while other kids were reading 'the little choo choo that could' we were reading books by Hawkings.

Fact was I was way ahead of the class and was bored with the education that I was getting. I am not trying to say that I was a genius or anything like that but I believe at that time I was way ahead of the curve in intel.

Not really sure what happened to that, seems over the years I am either not giving a shit anymore or am growing stupid.

But to get back to topic, my friend and I took alot of shit, people called us retards and so on. I dont believe it ever really bothered me, not sure of my friend though. The school had moved me out of that class for 5th grade and we lost touch soon after that.

I think people are generally cruel in a group, its the pack mentality, one trying to be the most popular in the group, being the funniest and so on.

I generally dont think the individual is going to come right out and say that someone is retarted or a mental case and such. I think individuals in most cases will do what they feel is right in their hearts.

I feel like the world has become politcally correct in a way that is damaging to society, most are afraid to say what they mean, not for fear of hurting someones feelings, but for fear of the persecution that goes along with it.

Most folks say what they really think behind closed doors, but in public they say what will keep them out of trouble.

In my case if my child was mentally ill, I dont think telling them that they are "special" is going to help them in life. When my kids misbehave in public, they are disciplined in public. I see alot of kids misbehaving in public and parents do nothing, I am starting to think the reason for this is because they dont want to be judged by people around them.

I say tell it like it is. The world is a cruel place. One can only shield someone from it for so long. Of course this doesnt mean we have to go out of our way to be cruel either just for the sake of being cruel.

Am I making any sense???

[barbra]

maybe Im missing the point but I think if a child has a mental handicap then you should treat that kid like any other kid. they still want to learn and play and its not like they will never be able to live their life.

you know, maybe the sugar coating isn't just for the kids. How would you feel if you fatherd a mentally deffecient child? would you want to call him/her retarded? The love for your child shouldn't be any less unless of course you are a bitter angry selfish individual.

Its good that schools try and teach tolerance and unity by 'sugar coating' with words. What if you had never had the experiance with those children in school? Would you be so understanding to their handicap? You would understand it even less than you do now certainly.

[meetthecreeper]

Originally posted by barbra
maybe Im missing the point but I think if a child has a mental handicap then you should treat that kid like any other kid. they still want to learn and play and its not like they will never be able to live their life.

you know, maybe the sugar coating isn't just for the kids. How would you feel if you fatherd a mentally deffecient child? would you want to call him/her retarded? The love for your child shouldn't be any less unless of course you are a bitter angry selfish individual.

Its good that schools try and teach tolerance and unity by 'sugar coating' with words. What if you had never had the experiance with those children in school? Would you be so understanding to their handicap? You would understand it even less than you do now certainly.

My friend didnt want to be thought of as special, he just wanted to be like everyone else and be left alone.

I think being called special or other 'sugar coating' just causes more problems than it solves.

[ItsAlive75]

I work with a lot of people with mental disabilities, I actually manage 3 of them. I've been around people with disabilities my whole life, whether it be in school or at work, but these are three of the nicest guys I've ever met. And I don't mean that in a bullshit way because they're "special", I mean because they've all accepted their handicap to the point where they actually make fun of it themselves.

It's refreshing (and hilarious) to come into work every day and see these guys just rip on each other for their disabilities. They'll call each other "retard" and they'll all laugh, like how kids call each other "fag" or "dumbass". They've obviously gone through enough teasing and ostracizing in their lives that the word's negativity is just gone.

I know that's not the case for everyone with a physical or mental handicap, but I felt that would (and has been) covered pretty well. I just think it's a good sign that a person's genuine when their handicap isn't even a bother. Not to sound like an ass, but it makes it a whole lot easier for me to "watch my words" when a mentally handicapped person's calling himself a retard.