[Egekrusher]

Self Hatred


I sit here entrenched in the horrid wasteland that I call my mind. I cannot focus on anything except the will to die. I just want everything to be over. I’m sick of caring, I’m sick of trying. I’m sick of procrastinating so much that I hurt myself with it.

I have spent fortunes on nothing but food and music that I could have spent on paying off bills or moving out on my own. I hate everything that I am. I lie out of laziness and self-preservation. I have no honor. I am a weasel. I cheat because I can, and I hate people because I see my own flaws in them. I have no sympathy for people at times, and at others I have so much that it interferes with my “rational” thinking. I feel like a slug. I wish I were dead. I feel like I have no other choice but to kill myself, but that is the coward’s way out. I can’t resist temptation. I do everything on impulse. Most of the time I just feel like a big, stupid fucking ape. Part of a species of big, stupid fucking apes that is working it’s hardest at destroying itself. I smoke too much because I’m bored, and because I don’t have the will power to quit.

I don’t want to get “better”, I just want it all to end. Call me a coward, call me what you will, but I’m just sick of this. I can’t wait for death to envelop me in its black, peaceful nothingness, or for my soul to move on to a higher plane of existence, whatever the case may be. I feel a blackness growing inside of me, consuming more of my “good” side every day. Every time I get cut off in traffic, every time I don’t get my own way, every time someone does something that I don’t like, I feel a deep, pure hatred that scares me to no end. I don’t know how much longer I can fight it. Eventually, I’m going to snap, and one of two things is going to happen: I’m going to kill myself, or I’m going to kill someone else.

I feel like I’m never going to be a fully functional member of society. Most of the time I feel like I’m nearly mentally handicapped because of my past drug use. I used to be so intelligent, and I feel as if I’ve thrown all of that away. I am incredibly unbalanced. I can’t handle constructive criticism. I say I can, and it even appears to most people that I can, but that is not the case. I may be outwardly agreeing, but inside- inside, I am screaming about how much I fucking hate you and how much I hate myself. I am so petty it’s absurd. I used to be depressed, now I’m just lost and angry. I don’t know how to change it, or stop it. Therapy doesn’t help. Drugs just suppress my feelings; they don’t fix the fucking problem. Ignorance and stupidity sicken me to no end. I don’t give a flying fuck if your computer isn’t working, learn how to fucking fix it yourself you obstinate bastards. Discrimination based on anything but intentional malice is wrong. I handle pressure like a Russian submarine.

That’s it for now. I’m done feeling sorry for myself.