[Doc Faustus]

I'd like to see the following:

Depp and Cage Double Suicide, Apologize for Ruining Everything

AP Wire

Actors Johnny Depp and Nicholas Cage were found dead today in a tragic double suicide. The two actors pulled off each other's skin so their organs could be eaten by hungry shrews. In a note written in their own blood, the superstars explained:

"We R Vry Sry. We didn't mean to ruin everything. This has gone too far."
It seems that guilt over their new rock operatic version of King Lear directed by Tim Burton was too much for their fragile, fragile psyches. The note was found next to a binder containing a step by step plan to ruin popular culture and the Western canon of literature. In the binder were multiple letters to terrorist Osama Bin Laden and photographs of Hollywood executives and screenwriters in compromising positions.
"This looks like it goes pretty deep," says Harry Knowles of Ain't It Cool News, who is under investigation from the FBI for possible involvement.

In related news, director Tim Burton drowned himself in a pool of elephant semen and sulphuric acid when Depp failed to show up to their weekly pajama party, leaving Helena Bonham Carter free to have sex with author Garrett Cook.

"It's just better this way," says Carter.