Quote:
Originally Posted by Papillon Noir
The Old Woman calmly flips through her magazine, sucking loudly on her mint. CAW! CAW! She jumps, hearing a crow through the open dentist window. She glances up, looking outside, and there on the tree are hundreds of crows. They fill every branch, looking almost like leaves. Old Woman puts down her magazine as stands, walking closer to the window.
CCCAAAWWW! The crows scream in unison. Horrified, the Old Woman takes a step back, turning to the Goth Teen, "Do you see this? These crows?" The Goth Teen takes no notice of her, his eyes closed as he thumps his foot to the beat of his heavy rock music. Old Woman mutters about "youths today", before turning back to the window just as a crow flies towards it, slamming it self at the glass as another one tries to nudge it's way into the slight opening.
Old Woman staggers back to towards the receptionist, "Uh, Miss? I think there's something wrong..."
Annoyed, the Receptionist looks up from her typing, "What is it now, Mrs...Oh my God!" she shrieks, seeing the crows attacking the window.
The window cracks, then shatters. The murder of crows funnel into the waiting room engulfing the Old Woman. She screams, and then her cries die out as the crows tear out her tongue and devour her eyes. They tear at her throat, blood gushing in torrents. Ripping through her flesh, the crows guzzel down bits of flesh and sinew.
The Receptionist runs to Goth Teen, ripping the ipod from his ear and shaking him frantically, "Help her! Do something!".
Goth Teen looks at her calmly, and with a small smile responds, "I am doing something." One of the crows lands on his shoulder and he pets it affectionately.
"You! What are you?" Receptionist whispers as she backs against the wall.
"Just someone who tires of waiting," Goth Teen, snaps his fingers and all the crow stop their feasting and looks at Goth Teen. With a small smile, Goth Teen subtlely indicates the Receptionist.
"Nooooooo!," the Receptionist shrieks as she starts to flee. CCAAAWWW! The crows flock to her like a giant black vortex, encircling her with such a force that her feet are lifted from the ground. The crows tear into her, hitting several arteries as blood sprays the walls like red paint. Her screams die down as the crows release her. Her mutilated corpse falling to the floor.
Goth Teen looks at her corpse, thoughtfully. Most of her flesh was gone, her bones glinting white through what was left of her clothes.
"Oh, my God!" the Dentist gasps as he entered the room.
"Well, it looks like I'm next, huh Doc?" Goth Teen grins, clapping a hand on the Dentist's shoulder as he walks back towards the exam rooms. The Dentist just crumples to his knees in horror. A crow hops towards the Dentist. CAW!
The End. :)
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A very fun scene. You characters were quite realistic and I liked the twist of the goth teen being the evil one. The deaths were quite similar but were still fun and gory. You were also the only one to opt for killing the older woman, which was slightly refreshing.
Unfortunately, the idea of birds being murderers in large numbers and pecking out eyes has been done before, as you know, so you lost points for creativity there. I did like the way you had the birds controlled by somebody, however. But as with Scouse Mac, presenting it as a story put you in a tricky position. You had a person killing so you needed to explain his motives in some way, but you didn't want it too character focused. I think you dealt with this well by having him have very few motives, similar to Michael Myers. Your marks were,
Creativity: 1/3
Logic: 3/3
Perception: 2/3
You, like the others, chose to have a concluding paragraph showing what you made happen after the deaths, which was not needed. However, your one seemed to fit the best. However, your task was you creating two deaths in the scene, not telling a story. The idea is that you are sitting just outside of their world orchestrating events. Everything you made happen afterwards was not necessary. These were people you were controlling, and though I refer to them as characters in my marking, they were not. They were people in a world who you took control of. So, even though yours did fit the best, I could not justify giving you more marks than the other two for perception.
Your overall marks were 6/9. Be pleased, you did very well. And there are more challenges where each of you can do better...or worse. We will find out.