Quote:
Originally Posted by scouse mac
The Story of Franklin
Behind the receptionist, a small black cloud develops. This cloud expands quickly, unbeknown to the woman working at the desk and finally, with a small noise like that of microwave completing its task, a shape appears from the dark smog.
It took Franklin the Tooth Fairy a few seconds to adjust to the bright lighting of the waiting room. He glanced around and saw the woman immediately in front of him typing furiously on a computer. An old woman was completely engrossed in her Surfing magazine whilst a young lady with long purple hair had her eyes closed, slumped in a chair with one leg resting across the arm of another, her head bobbing up and down in time to loud music.
Silently, Franklin reached around his back to pull Ol’ Extractor from its harness and dropped it to his side. The receptionist was still working at the computer when the phone rang. She turned slightly to reach for receiver, bringing young Franklin into view. The beginnings of a scream was just about to tickle the first of her vocal chords when the massive spiked hammer came rushing up to catch her on the chin. The three inch spikes nailed her lower jaw to the roof of her mouth, her tongue all but shredded. Franklin smiled as he grabbed the top of the womans head with a massive hand and pulled the hammer towards him with his other. The receptionists jaw came free with a sickeningly wet crunch, her body collapsed, blood sprayed and several teeth fell to the floor.
'Fresh teeth! I love fresh big person teeth!’. Franklin’s bellow startled the two women in the waiting area who were oblivious until then. The young woman screamed as she saw the giant black shape reach down and gather the fallen teeth before putting them in his mouth. He walked over to her, his mouth working away as the teeth crunched and cracked as he ate.
The goth girl screamed and started to run but Franklin once again raised Ol’ Extractor and brought it swinging around to connect with her side. Ribs were shattered, flesh and sinew destroyed. She fell to the ground, dark blood pumping onto the clean white tiles.
‘Mmmm. You have nice new teeth!’ Franklin happily exclaimed as he knelt down by the girls ruined form. She mumbled and moaned, the pain overwhelming her senses. Franklin took hold of the top of her jaw and snapped a large chunk off, opening up a gaping hole in the side of her face. The dying girls scream was weak and pale, blood pouring down the back of her throat, choking her. The piece of jaw was already in Franklin mouth, his teeth and tongue busying away removing the teeth from the bone. He stood up, raised the hammer high and brought it crashing down on the girls head. He opened up a small pouch in his belt and began to gather up the teeth from the wrecked face of the girl.
The old lady had been watching all this, too petrified and shocked to move. Franklin looked at her and slowly stood up again, moving towards her grinning.
‘My favourite! Granny teeth for pudding!’
The old woman put her hand to her mouth then dropped it and reached out to Franklin, opening her palm as he approached. He looked down and cried, ‘NOOOOOO! That’s not fair! I want my pudding!’
He picked up the false teeth from the womans hand and threw them to the floor, ‘They don’t taste nice at all’, he explained to her before turning away and waving his hands in a strange signal. The dark cloud began to form above his head.
‘Whats the meaning of all this noise?’ Exclaimed the dentist as opened the door to the waiting room. Franklin spun round , smiling manically.
‘PUDDING!'
The End
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An interesting read. You decided to go for a supernatural theme, which I enjoyed. You also didn't fall into the trap of giving Franlin a back story. The deaths were gruesome and entertaining, although somewhat similar. They were different enough to keep it interesting though. The characters acted in a very typical way. That is not a negative point. They came across as realistic.
I'm sorry to say, one very short phrase did let you down. You had the old woman reading a surfing magazine. This does not come across as an ordinary thing, however, seeing as it was your world, I let it slip. There are older women who are surfing enthusiasts. Overall, these are your marks.
Creativity: 3/3
Logic: 3/3
Perception: 1/3
The way you presented the deaths lost you certain marks, as did your title. The story of Franklin. You shifted the focus of the scene to character rather than deaths. Remember, you were tasked to focus on the murders. I understand though, that because your deaths were made by a person and not a chain of events, you had to describe him in some way. Still, the entire paragraph where you had him reject the old woman's dentures was not necessary. It was a good read, but you had already completed the task and you did not need that in there. I'm afraid that brought you down to 1/3 for perception.
Because you presented it as a story, it was good that you decided to wrap it up, but because you did it as a story you felt the need to complete the scene logically. That was what made writing it in that format so difficult. You gained marks for logic but lost them for perception. Overall, you scored 7/9. You should be proud of that.