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Both of the scenes in this thread need some polishing.
The first isn't interesting at all. Who wants to stare at a door while all the interesting stuff is going on behind it?
The second just seems like a Hostel ripoff that can't afford cool weaponry so they went with a rake.
No offense to either intended. I just think they both suffer from some simlar problems... The scenes are incredibly short, less than a minute each. The dialogue is wooden and doesn't sound very natural. Neither is all that original in concept. Also, avoid camera direction in spec scripts unless you will be directing the film since camera shots are typically up to the director's discretion.
I'd echo a lot of the advice given here in this thread. Read lots of scripts, learn formatting and storytelling techniques, definitely work on the dialogue.
That's my feedback, take it or leave it. I'm not a professional, but I have written nearly 2 dozen schort scripts in the past couple years that have been pretty well received. The first step in improving your craft is learning it.
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