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I'm terrible about holding grudges, especially against my parents, brothers, and sisters-in-law. I'm working on that. I've given them so many chances because they are my family. It's when something new happens that I remember ALL the things each of them have said and done to me. That's the way my family is. It's dysfunctional. Everyone blames me for this or that even though it's not always or even often my fault. I take too much blame that I shouldn't have to. The guilt I feel makes me sick, literally, and sometimes I feel enraged. My SIL suggested that we all go to therapy as a family but my parents won't do it. She's also the newest member of our family.
The day my dad buried my puppy, my mom provoked a fight which made me feel even more pain. The next day, she came to my house and started sweeping my kitchen floor even though I kept asking her not to. She made comments about it that hurt me.
I still call them because I love them and wouldn't want anything to happen to either of us with hard feelings. I have eight good friends. Over half of them have said that they are f***ed up. I've had professionals, i.e. doctors who've told me the same thing. I'm supposed to avoid toxic people. I have no choice with my parents because they do so much for me and my son. There's a lot of jealousy of me and my son running in the family because my parents do help us. My dad's putting my son through college because my ex abandoned him and I can't afford to do it. So you see, I'm trapped in a lot of ways. My family has ruined my life, or the fact that I'm sensitive about the way they feel about me has done the damage. The result is the same. I have no one else in my life but them. Friends can only do and say what they can.
As for other people, I never forget a person who's said things to me that I wouldn't say to them. I do try to get along with them and forgive them.
Grudges can cripple me. It's happened over the last year and a half, especially. My physical and emotional health have declined due to family cruelty and neglect. The sticks and stones thing isn't really true. Words hurt far worse than being beaten, in my opinion.
With that said, I'm still working on going on with my life. I have a strong will or I might be dead by now. That's no exaggeration. Having faith in a higher power helps a lot.
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