[Haunted]

This is something that I'm very passionate about, mental health and jobs. It sucks when you can't find work. It really sucks when you can't work. I'm hesitant to talk about this because disability causes people to freak out.

I have two health problems that my doctors consider disabling, and therefore they don't want me working. It sucks for two reasons: I'm broke and my folks are feeding me. People are so biased to the point of ignorance on the subject that it's tiresome and irritating to listen to the criticism.

Mental disorders don't care how smart you are or how strong you are. Bipolar disorder really puts a cramp in your life. One month you're so depressed that you can get out of bed. After you get out of that hump you go through a month where you're so erratic that you can't focus, you're violently happy, or pissed off. Then I've got panic disorder where I could be sitting in a room and suddenly become absolutely petrified at nothing.

Here's the thing though, I've been busting my butt to get better. Once the meds started having an effect, I got off of my butt and started excercising and eating better. I journal my moods to figure out what causes problems. I want to make my life better. I want to get better, but I'll never be rid of either of these, but I may be able to control my reactions to the point that I can have a normal life. That's my goal.

Chronic headaches ruin every day. Last week I had an MRI, and we were scared to death that I had a brain tumor due to the pain I've been experiencing...constantly. What I do have can be treated with physical therapy and antiinflammatory meds and physical therapy. Right now, I have to take heavy narcotics, which are useful, but also dangerous and I hate them.

So, in the new year, there are a lot of lucrative jobs coming to town. Hopefully I will get clearance from my doctors to go to work. I want to. I want to be independant. I want to give back to my parents, so that they can... say, go to England and Ireland as I did a few years ago. You know... And then finally finish my book.

I'm sharing this with you so that you'll get a sense that not all people who are unemployed are schleps. I hate not being productive. I hate the condescension. So... um... I like what Usher was saying about mental health care. A lot of people see it as bogus, which is ignorant and part of the problem. If people will start seeing these disorders as actual problems, then a lot more people will start getting better. Those people, in turn, can become more productive and lead better lives.