[Vodstok]

I have been having a hell of time getting motivated about anything recently. I have some great stories i have been working on that are sitting unfinished (some of them unstarted). I have some responsibilities over on planet halflife that i have been blowing off due to lack of time and motivation. Work has become an absolute chore. I havce some programs that i have been writing that i am losing interest in.

Pretty much anything responsible has become too much, or even painful for me.

Which really sucks because a little over a week ago i was VERY motivated. I was writing, plus doing a ton of research on places to get published. I havent written a word in over a week. I have been feeling very "why bother?" about a lot.

For one thing, these 90 minute commutes are killing me. I also have been thinking about my last job off an on. It wasnt a great job, it actually kind of sucked, but i had a co-worker i got a long with really well (He introduced me to Invader Zim, which is obviously a good thing), plus it was the onoly job i have ever been fired from . Oh, I'm sorry "Let go" from. it was a bullshit situatiuon, but whatever.

My confidence took a massive kick in the balls over that one. I spent the next 3 months unemployed, scared out of my mind that i was putting my wife and new baby into the poorhouse (luckily, Bree is smart with money and we managed to maintain a savings the whole time). Anyone who thinks unemployment is a vacation has either never been unemployed, or just doesnt give a shit about life. I have never been more stressed or depressed.

the worst part as that we havent had a chance to recover. during that time i finally saw that i cant count on my family for a godamn thing. Which is probably partially to blame for my foul mood, i was alway close to them. To top everything else off, i never get any sleep. I am either kept up by the baby, getting to bed late because of housework or just trying to squeeze out some time to relax, or so stressed i get sleep but it sucks and is broken up.

I have been sleepingon the couch a couple of times a week just to try and keep from waking Bree up all night, hoping aty least one o fus might get some rest (but she is getting sick, so she could sleep all day and she will still feel like crap all day).

Her mother is visiting soon, and we are hoping like hell that we can get out and catch a movie or dinner or something, but we are dying right now. Things should be great, we have written of fmy family, so they arent really contributing to the stress since they dont exist, and my job pays REALLy well, but there doesnt appear to be any time for anything, and even when we get some, we are so tired that we just kind of amble thorugh it like zombies.

I'm not really sure why i am writing all of this, except maybe that this seems to be the one place where i can vent and actually get a good human response, not shrugging, or "Thats life", or no response at all.

Which when you think about it, is kind of sad. Im 30 years old and outside of my wife, the only people i have to talk to are people i have never met in person.

I need some motivation. I am getting overtaken by my cynicism and my passion seems to be disappearing, which is really bad because that is the one thing i have always been able to count on.