Quote:
Originally posted by spookychild
I agree with many responses that the language should be toned down. Those kind of words should be used to accent a statment. Its kinda like cooking with pepper. Just use a little to add flavor. Don't let the pepper be the flavor.
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I dunno...I've been witnessed to, and been in a few, quite heated arguements in my life, and when the tempers are flaring and the nerves are frayed, the language sounded a lot more like his first draft. I'd just change it a little because the dialouge did sound a little stilted at a couple of points, IMO.
Also, I agree with __V__ in that the last scene where the dad turns the gun on the kid really makes no sense. If he's in a rage enough to blast his wife, then there must be some sort of transition from rage extreme enough to kill his wife to guilt or regret extreme enough to kill himself. Of course you could make it like he snapped and lost his mind, and then after he shoots the mom have him turn and look at the kid with this insane totally gone look and raise the gun at the kid like he's next. And then have his face fill up with this totally whack-job grin and have him say something like "Nah, you don't get off so easy. See you in hell, Nate." and then have the dad eat the barrel and pull the trigger. :eek:
But other then that, good opening. Conflict usually is a great way to grab attention and keep it. In a book I'm working on now, the lead character of the story starts it getting ready to go back to his former place of employment to kill his ex employer and fellow employees. Like someone once said. 'If you want to reel them into your story, you got to start with a good hook to catch their attention"...Words to live by if you want to tell a story, in book or film. :D