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Old 07-08-2004, 11:48 AM
Egekrusher's Avatar
Egekrusher Egekrusher is offline
Returning after eternity.
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: My own fantasy world.
Posts: 2,087
Good so far, but the opening line should change. I have a suggestion for ya:

Instead of "The streets seemed to call out to him, as if they didn't want him there."

Use "The streets seemed to be warning him menacingly, as if they didn't want him there."

Just a suggestion.
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