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04-13-2005 05:10 PM |
The Truth About Werewolves...
I wanted to talk about werewolves for a second, because I've noticed a lot of people are interested in them and I wanted to share my research.
Most people know that bipedal werewolves like Lon Chaney, Jr. never existed in real life. Real werewolves run on all fours, and furthermore they all run backwards.
This is for two reasons. First, running backwards makes it difficult for anything to sneak up behind them because they're always looking back there. Second, this allows them to aim their frontal defense in the direction they're going in. Yes, I am talking about their rear ends--their butts. Did you know that a werewolf's butt is pretty much the only part of it that's not covered with shaggy, matted hair??
Contrary to popular belief, werewolves don't bite, slash or maul humans. They attack with their turd-launching systems. If a werewolf detects an undesireable human walking through the woods, they will usually launch a moist, spongy, rather fibrous turd out of their behind at the offensive human. This is aided by the unusually streamlined intestines of the lycanthrope, which allow the poo to be ejected at high speed. If you're standing anywhere within fifty feet, look out! It'll get you. In fact one of the oldest words for "werewolf" is the Norse "poo-kannone," which roughly translated means turd launcher. If you are unlucky enough to be in a forest with werewolves, keep your ears open for the "foop! foop!" sound, which means a nasty lycanthrope is in the vicinity.
Anyway, the high fiber content of the werewolf's poo poo is clear proof that they are not primarily meat eaters, they are all too happy to chew on roots, twigs and trees, and from time to time they swallow big handfuls of dirt to cleanse their digestive tract.
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