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My Script
Let me know what ya think.
Missing Persons Scene One Ext. Night - Highway **The scene opens to a dark night. A highway is in shot. Only the light of the highway brighten the scene. A pair of headlights is seen coming on screen. From a distance the car drives towards the camera passing some stores and a restaurant. The camera closes in on the car and then scene switches. Two teens are riding in the car. One is a male and one is a female. They are smoking what seems to be a joint.** Skylar Baby this shit is good isn’t it? **She passes the joint back to the male.** Vincent (looks at Skylar coldly) It’s not bad. But I Hope we find a place to crash soon, cuz I’m dead tired. Skylar Yeah I am ready to pull over and call it a night. **Vincent nods and then rests his head. In a matter of seconds he is already out cold.** **Skylar turns the knob of the radio on and puts some music on. Playing is Stereomud’s Stepping Away. She continues to drive. Ahead we see a gas station. She turns on her turn signal and begins to turn into the gas station. She pulls up and gets out of the car. She puts the pump into the tank and then goes towards the store attached to the gas station. She approaches what seems to be a bathroom. She enters and it’s a small beat up looking bathroom. She enters a stall and pulls out a bag of coke. It is already cut up as she makes a line right on the toilet paper dispenser.** Skylar Here goes nothin’. **She takes a big hit and then bends her head back to let it rush. She seems already messed up as it hits her.** Skylar My dealer was right, this stuff was worth the price. **She rubs her nose and packs up her coke vile. She puts it into her hand bag. When she looks back up, she screams as she sees Vincent standing behind her. Skylar (Startled) Vincent….what the fuck!!?? Vincent Sorry I scared you babe. Skylar That’s ok baby, did you come inside to do some of this with me? **Skylar rubs some of the coke on Vincent’s lips and licks the powder off his lips, while pressing against him, oblivious to the cold, pained look on his face.** Vincent (taking her face in his hands) Skylar darling, I need you to tell me something, and I need you to mean it. Skylar That you’re the hottest guy in the state, and that I would love to fuck you right now? Vincent No, I need you to tell me that you love me. Skylar (now kissing his hand, the coke taking effect, doesn’t notice his eyes staring intently into hers) Vinnie baby (pauses) you know I (eyes move from Vince’s) love... **As the word love leaves her lips, Vince backhands her, sending Skylar sprawling to the floor. Holding her jaw, Skylar watches in mute horror as Vince walks towards the bathroom door and locks it.** Vincent You stupid lying fucking whore! You don’t think I know?! How could you do this to me?! I knew all about your little secret! **Vince notices Skylar trying to get up, and he kicks her in the stomach, sending her back to the ground.** Skylar V- Vince, I...I swear I don’t know what you’re talking about! **Hearing this, Vince grabs Skylar by the throat, slams her against the wall, lifts her off her feet, and begins choking her.** Vince Still?! Still you lie?! I was going to give you everything you ever wanted! We swore to each other that we would be together forever! How could you do it?! HOW!!!! **The scene will be intercut with closeups of Skylar being choked, Vince’s eyes, and her feet dangling off the ground until there is a low gurgle, and then Vince, realizing what he just did slowly lowers her to the ground, kisses her on the forehead, and takes a small box out of his pocket. Vince opens the box, takes the object out, and the camera sees him tie an engagement ring to a black piece on string which he then wears as a necklace. As Vince washes his hands, he hears another car pulling up to the gas station, and he peers out of the door.** CUT TO: Scene Two Ext. Night – Gas station **Another car begins to pull into the gas station. It is another two teens. One is a male and the other a female. The male gets out to pump the gas. He notices the car in front of them. The car door is ajar. The male walks up to the car. He looks inside noticing pictures on the driver’s seat. One of them is crumbled up. He picks them up looking at them. The pictures consist of Skylar doing drugs, her killing someone, her dancing around with a bottle of Ever Clear, and finally of her kissing another man.** **FLASHBACK SEQUENCE BEGINS** **We see a tall, stocky man carrying a case of beer. He is walking towards a house. He knocks on the door and waits a moment. The door opens and we see Skylar. She smiles as the man enters. The screen fades to black. It fades back in to clothes on the ground scattered around. It fades out again. Fade back in to see Skylar and this mystery man kissing. Fade out.** **FLASHBACK SEQUENCE ENDS** **The scene cuts back to the man at the car. He seems shocked at what he sees. He begins to back up and he sees something in the back seat. It is a dead body in the back seat of the car. He begins to frantically stumble backward.** Rebecca Steve what the hell is wrong? Steve Nothing Becca, get in the car now! Rebecca But what is it? CUT TO: |
Scene Three
Int. Night – Restroom **As Steve pleads with Becca, Vince hears Skylar’s taunting voice behind him.** Skylar Oh good job you dumb shit! First you kill me, and now you’re going to get arrested after this moron finds me, and the coke! Vincent (facing his delusion) Shut up and let me think. I already killed you, so killing two more people won’t be difficult. Skylar Yeah, that’s right, you’re such a stone-cold killer. Correct me if I’m wrong Vince, but didn’t I do most of the work during our little “road trip”. Vincent Showing a guy you’re tits so I could slit his throat doesn’t count, now shut-up, he’s coming. Skylar Kinda doubt he’ll hear me stud muffin, I’m you’re delusion, not his. **Vince finds himself a hiding spot behind the door as Steve walks in. Seeing Skylar’s corpse on the floor, Steve looks around the bathroom, as he looks, the Vincent comes out from behind the door, puts his left hand over Steve’s mouth, muffling his screams. Before Steve can fight back, Vince stabs him twice in the kidney’s and ribs, Steve’s blood oozes out of his mouth through Vince’s hand. As Steve drops to his knees, Vincent smile a devilish grin and pushes Steve’s body over. Steve’s body hits the floor with a thud! Vince hears the door open. Rebecca Steve, are you alri.....AAAAHHHH! **Rebecca’s screams are cut short as Vince slams her head into the door. Skylar Nice touch. You know, seeing you kill that guy reminded me why I wanted to get with you in the first place. Vincent Shut the hell up. You’re the one who ruined that. Fucking that beast of a man. I still can’t believe you would pick that lanky asshole over me. Skylar Vinnie? Shut up and kiss me. One last time……… **Vincent walks over to Skylar and begins to kiss her.** CUT TO: **Rebecca’s POV of Vincent making out with nothing. Groggily, she get’s to her feet and starts running towards her car. scared.** Skylar (whispering in Vince’s ear) Uh-oh darling, I think we got ourselves a rabbit. Vince Then I’ll skin it. **Stepping out of the restroom, Vince hurls his knife, which embeds itself into Rebecca’s leg, making her collapse into a heap on the ground.** **Walking towards Rebecca’s prone form, Vince grabs the handle of his knife, pulls it out, and kicks her over onto her stomach, then leans down on her waist.** Rebecca (crying) Wh-why are you doing this? We didn’t see anything I swear! Vincent You saw enough…… Rebecca I...I (she looks at the knife in Vincent’s hand.) I don’t want to die. **Vincent grins that devilish grin and the scene fades black. The sounds of struggling, a woman’s muffled cries are heard then repeated sounds of knife penetrating flesh. Her cries turn from shear fear to blood curdling.** **The scene fades back in to Vincent driving in Steve and Rebecca’s car. He reaches towards the CD player and turns the radio on.** Reporter We interrupt this station to bring you coverage on the Highway killings happening in Deptford, New Jersey. Two armed assailants are going down each and every highway in NJ and are killing a mass of people. The known number of victims is in the twenties and is rising. We have a description of the two that we will tell you right now. **As they begin to describe the killers the camera cuts to Skylar’s dead body matching her description and then to Vincent matching his.** Reporter (CONT.) These two people are known to be armed and dangerous. Any information on this story please call your local authorities. **Vincent smiles as he turns the radio off. The scene fades to black.** Scene Five Int – Day – Check Cashing Store **The black screen fades back in to three missing person pictures seen on a wall. The three people shown are: Steve, Rebecca, and Skylar. The camera pans down to a cashier counting money. A figure walks up to the window as the cashier continues to count.** Cashier (Continuing to Count) Can I help you? **A hand slides a paper through the hole in the glass window. The cashier reads the paper. It is a check made out to Steve Johnson. The cashier looks up to the man and it is revealed to be Vincent. He smiles and the cashier begins to count out money. The cashier puts it into an envelope and hands it to the man. The cashier pauses a moment and then looks stunned, the cashier looks at the check and sees Steve Johnson and then looks back at the missing person signs saying the same name.** Cashier Hey wait a minute! **By this point Vincent is gone. The camera pans from inside the building to the outside watching Vincent’s car speed away into the sunlight.** FADE OUT The End |
I'm not going to lie, I hate it. There's one glaringly obvious reason I would hate it and the other is the blunt and sometimes odd dialogue.
I don't have time right now, but when I come home I will go in to detail about what I like, and what I hate and why. :) |
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I like to think I just have refined tastes.
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Yeah...well when you get the chance "break it down" for me.
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I'll add to all the scenes, I admit I skipped over a big part of the story last night. |
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So overall what do you rate it out of 10?
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the ending isn't so bad actually.
well hmm out of 10? I dunno. It's definitely flawed in my opinion, but I would say a 7/10 (weak 7/10 because of some of the dialogue though) with potential for 8/10 |
Thanks I really appreciate.
Gonna start some re-writes. |
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hope it turns out the way you want. :) |
Ok, I haven't read it all yet, but I have a few critisisms...
Instead of saying what seems to be a joint you should say what it is, it's a screenplay and needs as much detail as you can give it... so it should read "They are smokeing a joint" maybe even with more detail again.. Also you wrote "she pulls out a big bag of coke" then when she is putting it away it is a vile? it needs to be one or the other... I'll read on. |
Just sent you a PM
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Thanks everyone so far for reading it.
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I'm getting mixed signals. |
Killing someone in my eyes is the ultimate pissed. He freaks out because she lies and then he killers her. What more can he do? He then kills the others.
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well I will come back with the rest of my thoughts tomorrow...
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If Rod doesn't mind I'll post what he said.
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im eagerly waiting to read what rod said....
i liked it but get what others have said, needs tightening up... but dont listen to me seriously, its got a lot of potential when its re-written or reviewed |
I actually deleted the PM accidently so I can't post what he said.
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awwww dude.... dont you have a memory... slightly of it... at all
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I said that he said it was a messy cliche and I need to tighten it up, develop the characters, and stuff like that.
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coolies will ya inform us when you do your next draft of it... id like to read it again when you've made changes.
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Fine, here it is:
I read it and I have quite a few problems with it. I'm offering this critique and I hope you take it all as constructive criticism, to help you perfect your craft. I like the idea of killers on the road...the delusional representation of the dead girlfriend, but the story goes nowhere. There is no beginning-middle-end flow to it. And I understand it's a short piece, but even a short piece needs a story arc. I didn't find anything particularly compelling about your characters. If you're writing about the bad guy, you still need to find a way to make him sympathetic or you lose your audience. Sometimes a heavy dose of Charisma is all it takes. Try to find your Characters' nuances and quirks in your next pass on the script. Your form is difficult to read, but that's easily remedied by proper use of form. First, your "scenes" cover too many scenes. To differentiate one location from the next, do it like this. EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT INT. BATHROOM - GAS STATION - NIGHT All these scenes occur in your first "scene." Breaking them up like this allows you to detail each scene, controls the pacing and makes it easier for the reader to follow. Next, avoid using directing terms in the script. The camera should not be mentioned. Simply describe the scene. Directors never want a writer to tell them how a scene should be shot, so it is important to not "direct from the keyboard." I would suggest researching the standard screenplay format. I'll send you a .pdf of one of my old scripts if you'd like to see how I started off. All in all I think the piece is a messy cliche, but that isn't always terrible. The mess can be cleaned up. Cliches exist because they work, but they work best when they are turned on their ear. I'm glad you're writing. It's an awesome thing. But don't think it'll come out great the first time. Writing is a process...and it's all about doing it over and over. I've written 24 feature-length screenplays and I'm still learning how to write - and I still crank out 2-3 bad scripts for every good one. Keep it up. A writer writes. Sean __________________ |
I liked it and the first scene was excellent. The only things I'd correct is some of the dialogue. It seems a bit unrealistic. Other than that it's good. I can imagine it very clearly, although, why is there a picture of Skylar on the missing persons wall? And why didn't the guy in the shop interfere with any of it?
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Here is what it looks like after I did a bit of work on the dialogue.
MISSING PERSONS EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT The scene opens to a dark night. A highway is in shot. Only the light of the highway brightens the scene. A pair of headlights is seen coming on screen. From a distance the car drives towards the camera passing some stores and a restaurant. The camera closes in on the car and then scene switches. Two teens are riding in the car. One is a male and one is a female. They are smoking a nice sized joint. INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS SKYLAR Baby this shit is good isn’t it? She passes the joint back to the male. VINCENT (looks at SKYLAR coldly) It’s not bad. But I Hope we find a place to crash soon, cuz I’m dead tired. SKYLAR Yeah I am ready to pull over and call it a night. VINCENT nods and then rests his head. In a matter of seconds he is already out cold. SKYLAR turns the knob of the radio on and puts some music on. Playing is Stereomud’s Stepping Away. She continues to drive. EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT Ahead we see a gas station. She turns on her turn signal and begins to turn into the gas station. She pulls up and gets out of the car. She puts the pump into the tank and then goes towards the store attached to the gas station. She approaches what seems to be a bathroom. INT. GAS STATION BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS She enters and it’s a small beat up looking bathroom. She enters a stall and pulls out a vile of coke. It is already cut up as she makes a line right on the toilet paper dispenser. She takes a big hit and then bends her head back to let it rush. She seems already messed up as it hits her. SKYLAR My dealer was right this blow is amazing. She rubs her nose and packs up her coke vile. She puts it into her hand bag. When she looks back up, she screams as she sees VINCENT standing behind her. SKYLAR (Startled) Vincent….what the fuck!!?? VINCENT Sorry I scared you babe. SKYLAR That’s ok baby, did you come inside to do some of this with me? SKYLAR rubs some of the coke on VINCENT’S lips and licks the powder off his lips, while pressing against him, oblivious to the cold, pained look on his face. VINCENT (taking her face in his hands) Skylar, I need to ask you something? SKYLAR You wanna do this blow with me? VINCENT No, I want to know if you love me? SKYLAR (now kissing his hand, the coke taking effect, doesn’t notice his eyes staring intently into hers) Vinnie baby (pauses) you know I (eyes move from VINCENT’S) love... As the word love leaves her lips, VINCENT backhands her, sending her sprawling to the floor. Holding her jaw, SKYLAR watches in mute horror as VINCENT walks towards the bathroom door and locks it. VINCENT Wrong answer! You see Skylar I know all about the little secret you’ve been hiding from me! VINCENT notices SKYLAR trying to get up, and he kicks her in the stomach, sending her back to the ground. SKYLAR V- Vince, Wh-what the hell are you talking about? I haven’t been hiding anything from you! Hearing this, VINCENT grabs SKYLAR by the throat, slams her against the wall, lifts her off her feet, and begins choking her. VINCENT Still?! Still you lie to me? How can you straight up say that to my face when I know all about it. I am not stupid! I promised you the world. Why do you think I brought you along with me? We were going to become the modern day Bonnie and Clyde but you just had to do it didn’t you! The scene will be inter-cut with close-ups of SKYLAR being choked, VINCENT’S eyes, and her feet dangling off the ground until there is a low gurgle, and then VINCENT, realizing what he just did slowly lowers her to the ground, kisses her on the forehead, and takes a small box out of his pocket. VINCENT opens the box, takes the object out, and the camera sees him tie an engagement ring to a black piece on string, which he then wears as a necklace. As VINCENT washes his hands, he hears another car pulling up to the gas station, and he peers out of the door. CUT TO: EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT Another car begins to pull into the gas station. It is another two teens. One is a male and the other a female. The male gets out to pump the gas. He notices the car in front of them. The car door is ajar. The male walks up to the car. He looks inside noticing pictures on the driver’s seat. One of them is crumbled up. He picks them up looking at them. The pictures consist of SKYLAR doing drugs, her killing someone, her dancing around with a bottle of Ever Clear, and finally of her kissing another man. **FLASHBACK SEQUENCE BEGINS** We see a tall, stocky man carrying a case of beer. He is walking towards a house. He knocks on the door and waits a moment. The door opens and we see SKYLAR. She smiles as the man enters. The screen fades to black. It fades back in to clothes on the ground scattered around. It fades out again. Fade back in to see SKYLAR and this mystery man kissing. Fade out. **FLASHBACK SEQUENCE ENDS** The scene cuts back to the man at the car. He seems shocked at what he sees. He begins to back up and he sees something in the back seat. It is a dead body in the back seat of the car. He begins to frantically stumble backward. REBECCA Steve what the hell is wrong? STEVE Nothing Becca, get in the car now! REBECCA But what is it? CUT TO: |
INT. GAS STATION BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS As STEVE pleads with REBECCA, VINCENT hears SKYLAR’S taunting voice behind him. SKYLAR Uh-oh Vinnie baby looks like your about to be stumbled upon with a dead body and some drugs. VINCENT (facing his delusion) Shut the hell up it’s just two more fucking kids that I’ll just have to get rid of. SKYLAR Yeah, that’s right, you’re such a stone-cold killer. Correct me if I’m wrong Vince, but didn’t I do most of the work during our little “road trip”. VINCENT Showing a guy you’re tits so I could slit his throat doesn’t count, now shut-up, he’s coming. SKYLAR Kinda doubt he’ll hear me stud muffin, I’m you’re delusion, not his. VINCENT finds himself a hiding spot behind the door as STEVE walks in. Seeing SKYLAR’S corpse on the floor, STEVE looks around the bathroom, as he looks, the VINCENT comes out from behind the door, puts his left hand over STEVE’S mouth, muffling his screams. Before STEVE can fight back, VINCENT stabs him twice in the kidneys and ribs, STEVE’S blood oozes out of his mouth through Vince’s hand. As STEVE drops to his knees, VINCENT smiles a devilish grin and pushes STEVE’S body over. STEVE’S body hits the floor with a thud! VINCENT hears the door open. REBECCA Steve, are you alri.....AAAAHHHH! REBECCA’S screams are cut short as VINCENT slams her head into the door. SKYLAR Nice touch. You know, seeing you kill that guy reminded me why I wanted to run away with you in the first place. VINCENT Shut the hell up. You’re the one who ruined that. Fucking that beast of a man. I still can’t believe you would pick that lanky asshole over me. SKYLAR Vinnie? Shut up and kiss me. One last time……… VINCENT walks over to SKYLAR and begins to kiss her. CUT TO: REBECCA’S POV of VINCENT making out with nothing. Groggily, she gets to her feet and starts running towards her car scared. SKYLAR (whispering in Vince’s ear) Uh-oh darling, I think we got ourselves a rabbit. VINCENT Then I’ll skin it. EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT Stepping out of the restroom, VINCENT hurls his knife, which embeds itself into REBECCA’S leg, making her collapse into a heap on the ground. Walking towards REBECCA’S prone form, VINCENT grabs the handle of his knife, pulls it out, and kicks her over onto her stomach, then leans down on her waist. REBECCA (crying) Please…please don’t kill me. VINCENT just stares at her dementedly. REBECCA (crying) I’ll do whatever you want just please don’t kill me. VINCENT Shhhhhh… VINCENT places a finger on top of REBECCA’S mouth. REBECCA (crying) Wh-why are you doing this? We didn’t see anything I swear! VINCENT You saw enough…… REBECCA I...I (she looks at the knife in Vincent’s hand.) I don’t want to die. VINCENT grins that devilish grin and the scene fades black. The sounds of struggling, a woman’s muffled cries are heard then repeated sounds of knife penetrating flesh. Her cries turn from shear fear to blood curdling. INT. CAR - NIGHT The scene fades back in to VINCENT driving in STEVE and REBECCA’S car. He reaches towards the CD player and turns the radio on. REPORTER We interrupt this station to bring you coverage on the Highway killings happening in Deptford, New Jersey. Two armed assailants are going down each and every highway in NJ and are killing a mass of people. The known number of victims is in the twenties and is rising. We have a description of the two that we will tell you right now. As they begin to describe the killers the camera cuts to SKYLAR’S dead body matching her description and then to VINCENT matching his. REPORTER (CONT.) These two people are known to be armed and dangerous. Any information on this story please call your local authorities. VINCENT smiles as he turns the radio off. The scene fades to black. INT. CHECK CASHING STORE - DAY The black screen fades back in to three missing person pictures seen on a wall. The three people shown are: STEVE, REBECCA, and SKYLAR. The camera pans down to a cashier counting money. A figure walks up to the window as the cashier continues to count. CASHIER (Continuing to Count) Can I help you? A hand slides a paper through the hole in the glass window. The cashier reads the paper. It is a check made out to STEVE JOHNSON. The cashier looks up to the man and it is revealed to be VINCENT. He smiles and the cashier begins to count out money. The cashier puts it into an envelope and hands it to the man. The cashier pauses a moment and then looks stunned, the cashier looks at the check and sees STEVE JOHNSON and then looks back at the missing person signs saying the same name. CASHIER Hey wait a minute! EXT. CHECK CASHING STORE - DAY **By this point VINCENT is gone. The camera pans from inside the building to the outside watching VINCENT’S car speed away into the sunlight.** FADE OUT: |
Great job.
I edit my previous 'liked it', to: Really Liked It:) |
Glad you really liked it. :)
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The format is better, but I haven't given it a good read, I will when I can focus a bit more to give you my true opinion.
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the formatting helps a great deal. it's much easier to read.
the story doesn't really grip me, but it seems to be the story you want to tell and you should always stick with the story you want to tell. |
yay the line "here goes nothing" is gone
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Gore, it grabbed my attention and kept it while I read, so that is awesome. My only dislike and loss of full submersion into the story (and this might change if you clarify it for me) is that I did not quite understand why Vincent (and Skylar) was/were killing so many people on the highways in the first place; I did not understand the reason behind it. Even if there was supposed to be no real reason, that was not made clear to me. Something always triggers someone to kill, right (whether mental unbalance or revenge or being a monsterish freak, etc.)? I got why he killed Skylar, but not everyone else prior to that.
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Well, some of the best horror movies don't have explanations in them, they just throw you into whats going on. Think of..... Oh I dunno, The Shining (thanks btw), or Dawn of The Dead, Shaun Of The Dead(well, more comedy than horror... but you know). Thats one thing I like about his script. Hmmmmm but... I think that he should make it more personalized, it seems so un-personal.... maybe if he made the main character fat and bearded? :D
Gore, You know your like my second favorite person on here right? I just want you to know incase that made you mad. |
yeah we look for explanations too much in films.... cant we just accept it for what it is and go along for the ride?
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