Feedback Request for a Script Im Writing
 

Okay, so here's the deal...

I'm just started working on a script. I've got the characters, plot, & scenes outlined and I just began wokring on my 1st draft of the script. So far I've only written the opening scene, but I thought I'd post it just to see what kind of feedback it gets. Please, be brutally honest. If you think it's a piece of shit, then tell me that (and maybe also why you think so, so I can improve on it.)

Anyways, like I said it's just the 1st rough draft so it's not formatted right and there are director & cameramen notes included in parentheses which more than likely won't be appearing in the final version, so please try to overlook those sort of technicalities if you can.


Here it is... Would this scene be something that would catch your attention enough in the first couple minutes for you to have enough interest to want to keep watching? Be honest....

(Just a little set up. Clay & Mary are the parents of Nathan, who is an 8 year old kid. This scene takes place in 1992.)




SCENE 1 - Interior, home. 1992

(Clay & Mary are heard arguing loudly about Clay being a deadbeat drunk as Nathan is seen in front of the tv watching Friday the 13th.)

CLAY - I'm the one that puts the food on the fuckin' table, aren't I? Didn't I always provide for you two? Haven't I always given you everything you've wanted? What more do you want from me?

MARY - You've been unemployed for 2 MONTHS now Clay! 2 MONTHS!!! You aren't even LOOKING for jobs anymore!

CLAY - There aint any out there! How many times do I gotta tell ya!

MARY - Oh, well... I guess you should just give up then! I guess Nathan and I will just go live in a cardboard fuckin' box somewhere because you're TOO FUCKIN LAZY to get off your ass and get a damn job so you can provide for you own family!

CLAY - Fuck you bitch! I dont have to listen to this shit! I'm goin down to Ernies!

MARY - Yeah, of course you are! Go get drunk like you always do you fuckin loser!

CLAY - Fuck you.

(Clay exits out the front door, slamming it behind him as Mary immediately breaks into tears and runs up to the bedroom, leaving Nathan to watch his Friday the 13th on his own.)

-Fade out/Fade back in approx 90 minutes later.-

(Natahn is still laying on the floor watching his movie when Clay comes home drunk and pissed.)

CLAY - Nate how many times do I have to tell you to clean up your fuckin toys?!

(Nathan looks around but the only toy out is the Jason Voorhies figure he's playing with while watching the movie.)

NATHAN (scared) - I, I did, Dad.

(Out of nowhere, Clay smacks Nathan in the head.)

CLAY - Dont you fuckin talk back to me boy!

(Mary has re-entered the room now.)

MARY - You leave him alone!

CLAY - Yeah... Alright. This is all your fault anyways!

MARY - My fault? How-

(Clay smacks her in the face before she can finish speaking.)

CLAY - Dont YOU fuckin talk back to me either! Now I know where he gets it from!

MARY - You asshole!

(Mary throws a vase at Clay, but it misses and smashes against the wall next to him. This prompts him to attack and he aggressively beats the shit out of her for a minute, all the while Nathan stares at the tv. After he stops pummelling her, she's swollen and bruised and sobbing. Clay has no sympathy...)

CLAY - Dont you EVER raise your voice to me again, you understand me woman?

MARY (Trembling) - I, I... Clay, I'm leaving you! I want a divorce!

(Clay's eyes show rage as he silently turns and leaves the room. Mary continues sobbing. A moment later Clay returns with shotgun which he points at Mary...)

CLAY - You wanna leave me? Here's your fuckin divorce bitch.

(Mary puts her hands out and screams for mercy.)

BANG!

(Mary falls to the floor dead.)

CLAY (to Mary) - Til Death do us part...

(Clay then looks at Nathan, who is now watching in stunned silence...)

CLAY - What the fuck are you lookin at?

(Clay then turns the shotgun on himself...)

BANG!

(As the second shot is heard, the camera pans down to the blood pooling on the floor next to Clay {Mary is partially in the shot as well.} Nathan approaches his mom's body and speaks to it softly...)

NATHAN - Mommy? Mom?

(Nathan then turns and runs away as the credits begin to roll over the pool of blood.)

END SCENE

umm ... is the kid going to be the killer or somthing? and credits do you mean the opening credits like in all the halloween movies? ok yea.

Actually, yes, the kid becomes the killer of the story.

And by credits, I mean the opening credits that are at the start of every movie. You know. Production company, actor names, director, etc. The opening credits.

P.S. Thanks for reading.

I liked it - could be decent if the actor's are believable - my only thought is that instead of the kid suddenly getting up and showing feeling for his mother - it would be even cooler if he just turned, looked at the two bodies, and then turned back to the tv screen - you could even have a cool close up of his blank face with the tv light flickering on it and the sounds of the F13th finale. . . just a thought

...
 

In my opinion...

I think there is way too much swearing to the point where that would draw attention away from the movie and make it look amateurish.

That's a cool idea. Thanks!


I'm not 100% sure it'll gel with the character he becomes later on in the film once he reaches current day, but I'll definately keep it in mind.

Could always film it both ways and see which one I like better once the film is finished too I suppose. Either way, thanks again for the feedback. It's greatly appreciated.

Re: ...
 

Hmm... Well, they are in a pretty heated fight the entire scene. I don't think there will be that much through out the film, but I appreciate your comment about it being taken amateur and I agree completely. (That's why this is only the 1st rough draft. ;) ) I'll probably scale it back (at least from the mother), but it couldn't be eliminated completely. I mean, this whole fight is shortly before she decides she wants to leave him and he decides to kill her. It's pretty heated.

But thank you very much for taking time the time to check it out and share your opinion. I appreciate it.



And Zero, I forgot to mention about the actors being able to pull it off... That might be easier said than done as this film will be shot on virtually NO budget and I can't afford to pay anyone who actually has skill. hahah...

I liked the beginning, but it felt completely rushed in second part as if there was no purpose to it other than swearing and gore.
Besides, I already did the "family man goes nuts and takes down the family" scenario in a film LOL
CK

Re: Re: ...
 

It could be eliminated completely, you can have a heated argument without swearing. I think having a few curse words to emphasize feeling and the type of person your character is can be good, just not every sentence.

an idea:

the mother could use the first curse word and then the father could be like "you fuckin swear in front of our kid? He's crying now, are you happy? You did that." or something to that effect. Then the father would swear when he talked to her, but she would no longer swear at him. Builds more sympathy for the mother character that way too.

It's going to be super hard without good actors, I wouldn't even attempt it so good luck, I hope it works out how you want it to. :)

I'd also be happy to read the finished script.

Thanks, I look in to adding more content once I determine which content needs to be added. (Through further character exploration.) :D

Quote:

Besides, I already did the "family man goes nuts and takes down the family" scenario in a film LOL CK

Hmmm....

But this all happens within the first 5 minutes of the film and he doesn't take down the whole family. Just the ol lady and himself.

Did your film do that? Huh? huh? Did ya? Did ya have child & spousal abuse, profuse profanity ( ;) ), kill a mom and dad in front of their kid all in the first 5 minutes of yours?

;) :D

Re: Re: Re: ...
 

These 2 characters can't have an argument without swearing, at least not the dad. He's a drunk, abusive, beligerent, asshole. She's a scared, battered and submissive wife that finally puts her foot down (Or tries to.)

Thanks though. After re-reading it, I did see some spots where the swearing could be stripped out easily.


By the way everyone, when I am replying to you, please don't think I am arguing or even being defensive. I'm merely trying to explain why I did things the way I did the first time through. Believe me, I'm taking everything that's being said to heart.

Re: ...
 

leave it to jay and silent bob

My film opens with the dear old dad shooting mom, the daughter, the son, then himself- all in the opening few minutes (not sure how long since it needs to be reshot with new actress since she and her twin sister both ended up bailing on me which is fine since neither could act, they only had big boobs LOL). Very little profanity if I remember correctly. It's actually online if you want to see it. I got a lot of flak over shooting little girl in it (basically because of how it was framed). :D
CK

Cool! You did smoke the whole fam in the opening shot too! Great minds think alike I guess... :D But since I don't kill em all that makes our films completely non-similar.

And yes, I'd be very interested in watching your clip, although not from the computer I am on right now because it is slow as hell and has no speakers. If you send me a link to it, I'll check it out tonight when I'm at work.

i could not watch anything since im in school and i got in troble for looking up leather face. school sucks, but i want to see your movie.

ummmm the son lives (he was hiding behind curtain and only got shot in the shoulder) so they are EXACTLY the same movie (just like 'Wrong Turn' and everything else :eek: ).
I'm only posting this for educational purposes as a reference. No spam is implied or intended. Please - no wagering.
2ND VIDEO ON PAGE (which I won't mention by name since that would mean I was promoting something)
CK

Zero's idea is a good one to build on, I think. Maybe you could script it out where the child is viewing a scene of Jason killing somone, and keep panning back and forth from that to the murder. That way he makes a connection between his dad & Jason. This sets it up that, in a sick way, he idolizes what his dad is doing: being just like his favorite icon on the big screen.

Also, you're dialogue does sound a tad scripted, maybe a little soap opera-ish. I'll offer some clean up suggestions after a bit, if you'd like.

I really like it actually. Sounds quite short though.

Hehe.. Well, it's just the opening scene. ;) The finished product will be about 30-40 times longer.


Thanks to everyone for checking it out and giving your feedback though! I really appreciate it!

Okay, I re-wrote the 1st scene, so here is a copy of the 2nd draft. Please let me know if you like the changes or if you liked the original scene better. Thanks.







SCENE 1 - Interior, home. 1992

(Clay & Mary are heard arguing loudly about Clay being a deadbeat drunk as Nathan is seen in front of the tv watching Friday the 13th.)

CLAY - I'm that one that puts food on the table, aren't I? Didn't I always provide for you two? What more do you want from me?

MARY - You've been unemployed for 2 MONTHS now Clay! 2 MONTHS!!! You aren't even LOOKING for jobs anymore!

(Mary is on the verge of having a breakdown.)

CLAY - There aint any out there! How many times do I gotta tell ya!

MARY - Oh, well... I guess you should just give up then! I guess Nathan and I will just go live in a cardboard box somewhere because you're TOO LAZY to get off your ass and get a job to provide for your own family!

CLAY - Go to hell! I dont have to listen to this!

(Clay gets up and starts putting on his coat.)

MARY - Where are you going?

CLAY - I'm goin down to Ernies!

MARY - Yeah, of course you are! Go get drunk like you always do loser!

CLAY - Bitch.

(Clay exits out the front door, slamming it behind him as Mary immediately breaks into tears and runs up to the bedroom, leaving Nathan to watch his Friday the 13th on his own.)

-Fade out/Fade back in approx 90 minutes later.-

(Nathan is still laying on the floor watching his movie when Clay comes home drunk and pissed. He's yelling right as he walks in the door.)

CLAY - Nathan, how many times do I have to tell you to clean up your fuckin toys?!

(Nathan looks around but the only toy out is the Jason Voorhies figure he's playing with while watching the movie.)

Nathan (scared) - I, I did, Dad.

(Out of nowhere, Clay smacks Nathan in the head.)

CLAY - Dont you fuckin talk back to me boy!

(Nathan sits in silence and fights back tears.)

CLAY - You gonna cry now you little pussy? You wanna cry?

(Hearing the commotion, Mary has re-entered the room now.)

MARY - You leave him alone! He didn't do anything wrong!

CLAY - Yeah... Alright. This is all your fault anyways!

MARY - My fault? How-

(Clay smacks her in the face before she can finish speaking.)

CLAY - Dont YOU fuckin talk back to me either! I think I've listened to enough shit from you for one night! Now I know where the kid gets it from!

MARY - You asshole!

CLAY - What did you call me?

(Clay aggressively attacks Mary and pounds on her for a minute while she tries to defend herself. After he stops pummelling her, she's swollen and bruised and sobbing. Clay has no sympathy...)

CLAY - Dont you EVER raise your voice to me again, you understand me woman?

MARY (Trembling) - I, I...

CLAY - You what?

MARY - Clay, I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!

(Clay's eyes show rage as he silently turns and leaves the room. Mary continues sobbing. A moment later Clay returns with shotgun which he points at Mary...)

CLAY - You think you can leave me? Here's your fuckin divorce bitch.

(Mary puts her hands out and screams for mercy.)

BANG!

(Mary falls to the floor dead.)

CLAY (to Mary) - Til Death do us part, remember?

(Clay then looks at Nathan, who is now watching in stunned silence...)

CLAY - What the fuck are you lookin at?

(Clay then turns the shotgun on himself...)

BANG!

(As the second shot is heard and Clay falls to the ground, the camera pans down to the blood pooling on the floor next to Clay {Mary is partially in the camera shot as well.} Nathan approaches his mom's body and speaks to it softly...)

Nathan - Mommy? Mom?

(After standing over his mom for a few seconds and getting no response, Nathan silently turns back around and sits back down in front of the couch where he continues watching Friday the 13th until it ends {It is almost over when he sits down.} Once his movie ends, Nathan calmly stands up, steps over both bodies and picks up the phone. He calls 9-1-1.)

Nathan - I think my mommy got hurt...

FADE OUT

END SCENE

Much better! When I read the beginning now, before he goes to the bar, Clay seems like a real person to me. Bravo!

Thanks!

I do NOT want to get into another "fight" but, the story is great. I love the story, but the formatting is off. I know it's a rough draft. And That's ok. But when you rewrite it, make the formatting like this

INT. Interior Home, 1992, Night

Clay & Mary are heard arguing loudly about Clay being a deadbeat drunk as Nathan is seen in front of the tv watching Friday the 13th.

Clay
I'm the one that puts the food on the fuckin' table, aren't I? Didn't I always provide for you two? Haven't I always given you everything you've wanted? What more do you want from me?

Mary
You've been unemployed for 2 MONTHS now Clay! 2 MONTHS!!! You aren't even LOOKING for jobs anymore!


Well... that's how John Carpenter and Wes craven and all of the scripts are written. Just a suggestion. It IS easier to read it like that, but if you want it to have good formatting, do it like I said.

Celtx screenwriting software. Free.
CK

I love it!! The only thing that is bugging me is what Clay says to Nathan before shooting himself. I think he should say something that would leave a real impact on the poor kid. I really like this idea though, the best i've read on here imo. :)

I like it..
honestly i do ..
i was making a mental image..
I also like zero's opinion..zoom in on the kids blank stare who is still watching friday the 13th..
:D

Pink..thats a good idea too but i automatically thought about that kid tommy from the pinball wizard..
his dad killed his mother ..
the last thing the dad said was 'you saw nothing..you heard nothing ..you will say nothing'
while tommy was in the cot.

Thanks. Like I said (and you mentioned) it's just a rough draft and you actually pointed the only reason I wrote in the format I did. It's just easier for people to look at & read this way, but yes, after the dozen or so revisions and the rest of the story, it will end up in the proper format. Thanks though.

Ooooo. Gracias. Greatly appreciated. :D

Yeah, that was one line I was trying to come up with something better for too. Whatever line I end up using will definately play a part later on in the script too so it needs to something memorable.

Also , thanks for the kind words! Much appreciated. :D

Thanks for checking it out but the 2nd half of your post went way over my head. ;) No idea what you're talking about...

...
 

agreed.

I can help you out if you want me too.


I'm also writing a horror movie.But i'm keeping it under close raps untill it comes out with its first trailer.




THEN











The impact of the Exorcist all over again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, it's a good idea to keep it under wraps. I'm doing that too for the most part, but I wanted to show the first scene to some folks just to see what kinda feedback I got. (I'm glad I did too! All the feedback was very helpful!)

As for your offer to help, it's greatly appreciated, but I don't think I'll really be sharing any more than Scene 1 until I get this puppy in to production. Maybe once you finish up your film and I finish up this one, we can tag team on a script or something though. That'd be cool.


In completely unrelated news, I just got word that one of my co-stars in The Cabin will be producing his first feature in the very near future. It's called Room 451 and I don't know anything about it other than that. Haven't heard anything on a timeline, but I'd estimate it at about a 2007 release. To my knowledge they are still in the earliest planning stages but I live in St. Paul and he moved out to LA after we finished filming so I don't talk to him all that often any more. More info to follow once I hear it.

Cool,I can't wait.:D

CAnt wait for...


The Cabin?

Room 451?

or tag teaming a script?

Tag teaming a script.:)

Yeah, that could be cool. Although I'm not sure what we'd do with it once we wrote it. What state are you in?

coolly written opening...its good...cept the only thing I noticed was

[[ Clay saying to Nathan "What the fuck are you looking at?" then turnin the shotgun on himself and "bang!"]]

...instead of that why cant it be like this...

{{ Clay lowers his shotgun and stares at Mary's body on the floor, rapidly being sorrounded by a huge pool of her blood. He spits beside the body and wipes his lips, a bitter expression on his face.

Just then the telephone beside the settee rings. Clay takes two steps forwards and sinks down heavily into the settee, sneers once and picks up the phone...

SCHUNK!

Clay lets out a grunt and turns around, feeling the cold steel of a sharp object embedded deep inside his neck, piercing his spinal cord. He has one glance at Nathan's distorted, convoluted face before falling backwards on the floor, the kitchen knife going through his neck from the impact of the fall.

Nathan takes one look at Clay, and picks up the phone hanging by its wires.

A voice is yelling from the other side. "Hello? hello?! you there?!"

Nathan slowly replies "They are dead..." and stares at the camera with his deep bluish-grey eyes, looking enigmatic...}}

That's like a completely different opening altogether. The kid isn't going to kill anyone until adulthood when he snaps one day, so I can tell you that I definately won't be going in that direction, but thanks for the suggestion and also, thanks for checking out my scene.

yw...

I thought the script was an excellent premise too...till I saw Clay turning the shotgun on himself without any particular reason except he was drunk and pissed off...

if he felt remorse at what he did, it would have explained something...hence the suggestion...