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after whats been going on, i suggest a comic relief hehehe.. so lets exchange JOKES
hey guys i suggest a bit of laughs at times like this... hope i get a lot of replies .. cause i just love jokes...
lets see what should we start with..... hmmmm An old couple have been married for 75 years.. The media wants to interview them for being happily married for that many years. So they question the husband... "what is the secret to your long marriage?"... he says, "because i can communicate with god.". the reporter shocked by this remark, asks, "you have to be joking?".... the old man replies, "no i swear infact when ever i go to the toilet, he opens the light for me".. the reporter disturbed by this, goes to the old man's wife and tells her that her husband has gone mad due to old age..... "he is saying that god turns the light for him whenever he goes to the toilet"... at this the wife screams and says, "omg he has been pissing in the refrigerator again"... hehehehehehehehe:D .. hope you ppl liked it... lets see who has the funniest one so we can have a poll ...:) |
Here's one that's a little more MY style...Some of you will recognize it...
The little boy and the serial killer walk into the woods at night...The little boy is holding his hand and he looks up into the serial killer's face...Shivering from cold and fright, he says "Please mister...I am so scared in these deep, dark woods, I can't see a thing...I'm cold and hungry and lost and I really want my mommy...Please mister...I'm really, REALLY SCARED..." and the little boy is crying profusely, so the serial killer looks down at him and says "Shutup and stop whining...How the hell do you think I feel?? I have to walk back out of these deep, dark, scary woods...ALL BY MYSELF!!!"... Now, wasn't that funny... :D |
Good ones, bloodrayne and hash23.
A woman is driving by herself, at night, in the rain. An announcement comes on the radio that there is an escaped lunatic in the area... a serial killer, of course, with a hook for a hand. Of course, she blows a tire. She gets out to change it in the rain and before she has the spare back on knocks all the lug nuts into the ditch, which is filled with running water. Then the serial killer steps out from the woods. She jumps up and screams "What the f*&k do I do now?" The serial killer runs right up to her and says "Why don't you take one lug nut each from the other three wheels to hold the spare on?" It gets good laughs around a campfire... don't know how well it will work here. |
hehehehehehe
that was funny mictlan.. good one,...
k bloodrayne heres one your type.... candyman walks into a bar .. now jason notices that this new guy has a hook on his hand and a patch on his eye.. so jason walks upto candyman and asks him wat happend man... he goes these guys cut my hand, so now i have to wear this hook.. then jason asks about his eye patch... so candyman says a pigeon doo doo got in my eye..... now jason says, pigeon doo doo, why you wearing a patch just clean it with your fingers........ so candyman says... i did but unfortunately it was my first day with the hook... hahahahahahahahha (hey guys remember that this is a just a joke, cause i cant remember if candyman wore a patch or not.... so llets just pretend .. he did k..) |
This one's my fave:D
A man who has just gotten out of court,after a nasty debate with his EX wife...Suddenly trips and falls flat on his face, when he looks to see what he tripped on, he sees a shiny lamp...when he picks it up a genie pops out, and says..." I AM THE GENIE OF THIS SACRED LAMP, I WILL GRANT YOU 3 WISHES, But, THERE IS A CATCH....WHAT EVER YOU WISH FOR YOUR EX WIFE GETS DOUBLE" The man says right away" I want a tricked out red camaro"..... "GRANTED, NOW YOU HAVE A RED CAMARO AND YOUR EX HAS TWO OF THEM" "hmmm second wish...ooh i've always wanted a giant mansion! "..... "GRANTED, NOW YOU HAVE A GIANT MANSION AND YOUR EX HAS 2!"......." oh man i'm on my last wish already?" *he sits and thinks* "ok i know EXACTLY what i want for my last wish....genie...........beat me HALF to death" I L:DVE that one! :cool: :D :cool: |
ok i've got one!!!!! or two!
ok a duck walks into a bar! yeup thats it cause the bell is gonna ring! im obviously in school! i will write them later!
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so a cowboy rides his horse up to the saloon, dismounts, and says hi to the other cowboys that hang out in front of the saloon. then he walks behind the horse, lifts its tail, and kisses it on the ass.
he walks back up to the cowboys in front of the saloon and one of them says "what the hell did you do that for?" the cowboy says "well, my lips are chapped." "does horseshit fix chapped lips?" "no, but it sure keeps me from licking them." |
hahahahahha
man that a good one....
a kid walks up to his dad and asks what is the meaning of potentially and reality.. the dad goes its easy go up to your mom and ask her if she would sleep with richard gere for a million dollars and go up to your sis and ask her if for a million dollar she would sleep with brad pitt... so he goes and both say yes.... so the dad asks the son what is the meanin of potentially and reality.. so he says potentially we r sitting on two million bucks,.. and in reality we are living with a couple of whores... hahahahahahah:D |
Re: ok i've got one!!!!! or two!
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It's funny brcause ducks have bills! But bill could also mean, y'know, like a tab! Its a hilariious play on words! |
Okay. Here are two of my favorites, starting with a quick Q&A joke:
#1: Q. What did God say when he saw Eve skinny dipping in the ocean? A. "Great! I'll never get that smell out of this fish." #2: A man and his sexy, blonde, big-breasted wife are playing a round of golf near a very expensive neighborhood. The sexy wife steps up to the tee and smacks the ball directly through a large window in an expensive home. The man and his wife reluctantly walk over to apologize. When they arrive, they open the door to see the broken window, a broken vase and an elderly naked man. "Who are you?" said the couple. "I am the genie of that lamp that you've broken. I've been imprisoned for centuries and you've let me free. To show my gratitude, I will give one wish to you and your wife, so long as you allow me to have the third and final wish." says the genie. In awe, the man and wife readily agree. "I want a bank account that allways has a million dollars in it, no matter how much money I take out!" says the man. "Done!" says the genie. "Check your account tomorrow and it shall be yours." "I'd like many vacation homes all around the world, each filled with luxurious furniture, and servants. Lots of servants!" said the sexy wife. "Done!" says the genie. "When you return home tonight, you will find sets of keys, each leading to a new location." The couple, extatic at their new prizes smile largely and ask "what is it that you want genie?" "I've been trapped in that bottle for centuries upon centuries. I want only one hour with your wife, upstairs in the bedroom." says the genie. The couple stare at each other strangely, but agree that after all the genie has done for them, they owe him this much. So, the sexy lady takes the genie's hand and he leads her upstairs for wild, animalistic sex. An hour passes, and the genie and sexy naked wife are laying in the ed, staring at the ceiling. She and he are both exhausted and breathing heavily due to the sex. The genie leans over and asks the young woman "You look younger than you're husband. How old are the two of you?" "Well," she says "my husband is 35, but I'm only 24." "Geez," says the genie "35 and 24 and you both still believe in genies?" Both are dirty and that's why I like them! |
hey that was a nice one
both the jokes were funny and i liked them...hmm..... i see i have competition hahahah.. :)
a guy and a woman are having wild sex.... after they are done.. the guy says that he needs to smoke, wheres the lighter..... she says.. that its in the drawer..... so he opens it to take it out.. in the drawer he sees a picture of a man...... so the man is scared, hes like is he your husband and she says no i am not married.... hes like is he your boyfriend... she again says no.... then he finally asks who is it god damn it... she replies thats me b4 the operation ...............hahahahahahahaha just imagine the guys face,, hahahahahhaa:D :) |
what can i say i cant tell jokes even if my life depended on it... boohoo.
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Q- what did ed gein say to the officer that arrested him..??
A- come on have a heart!! ha Ha yeah I know it is hilarious |
heres one
mickey mouse and mini mouse get a divorce, they go to court and the judge heres both sides. after the trial the judge approaches mickey and says "Mr. mouse throughout the whole trial i could not find any evidence that your wife was crazy." then mickey says "i never said that she was crazy i said she was FUCKING GOOFY." |
Okay, prepare to be blown away, folks...
Q: What do you call a group of of singing bloodsuckers? A: A vamchoir! C'mon, you know you love it... |
ok
man walks into a bar.....the man looks over to the seat at the end of the bar and there is another man sitting there drinking shots........the other man says to the first man........he i bet you 20 dollars that after i drink this shot i can jump from the 5th story of that building and live......the man takes the bet and the guy takes the shot and jumps off the fifth floor.....the first man laughs and says stupid bastard and takes the twenty buks and walks back into the bar....he sees the man sitting over on the stool right where he saw him the first time......this process is repeated 3 more times each time the bet raises by 50 dollars and each time the height raises until they are standing on the roof of this 50 story buildning........well the other man jumps off ......he hits the ground and the first guy says .....shit if he can do it i can....so he jumps off....well the second guy walks back into the bar 300 dollars richer and the bartender say ........DAMNIT Superman if you keep fukin with the customers i wont get any more business....... :D :D :D |
Honeymoon
What does seven days on a honeymoon make?
One whole weak.--PRETTY BAD> |
hey
keep up the good work guys,,, keep sending jokes... i love them,...
h superman jokes ,,,, haan how about this one.... Superman in a bar crying, how no one wants to have sex with him.. so the bartender suggests man why dont you just fly down and rape them in a matter of seconds... cause you the fastest guy on the face of this earth,, the girl wouldnt even know what happened. hes like yea you right.. so he's flying around all of a sudden, he sees wonder woman lieing naked on the roof with her legs spread open.. so hes like what a perfect target... so he flies down, screws wonder woman and flies back up again... wonder woman looks up and says what the hell was that..Invisible man replies i dont know but my butts on fire.. hahahahahahhahahah:D |
okay how about this one
superman is flying over metropolis and he's feeling really horny, really horny!!!! at one point he sees wonderwoman lying in the sun on the top of a roof...NAKED he thinks, well, Im faster then a bullet, Im going for it and she will never notice so superman flys on wonderwoman, fucks her and goes away wonderwoman screams "wtf was that!!!!!!" And the invissible man said: "I don't know" :D I know dumb, I just saw hollow man again lol |
got a few...
youve probably heard this one;
1:A blind guy and his dog walk into a bar (no, this isn't the one where you say "you think the dog would've avoided it"), the guy is half way up to the bar when he and the dog stop, he grabs the dog by tha tail, and starts swinging it around and around in circles. The bartender, not really diggint the apparent animal cruelty, goes up to the guy, and asks what the fuck is going on...The blind guy replies, "relax, he's used to it, I'm just taking a look around" 2: q-Whats stiff in the morning and makes women scream? a- S.I.D.S victims (I know I'm gonna get shreded for that one, and the next one, but hey, they aint my originals) 3: q-Whats black and blue and hates sex? a- victims of violent rape 4: Theres this bum, who on his birthday, had actually managed to save up $20 - just enough cash for a fuck at the cheapest, scummiest whorehouse in town. So, he goes into the eatery/bar in the front, tells the barman what he's after, who then makes a phonecall, hangs up, turns back to the bum, and says "That'll be $15. they're all occupied at this time, feel free to have a seat and wait" So, the bum has a seat, hands the 'tender the $20 and buys a jug of beer with the remaining fiver. Now, as he's about 3 glasses into the beer, he's getting kind of peckish, seeing all the other patrons eating nearby. Just then, as though in answer to his prayers, a woman in a white apron comes out of the room in the back, which the bum figures must be their kitchen, as she's carrying a large container full of what seems to be canned tomatos. She places the container down under the bar "door", and goes back into the kitchen. The bum's quiet hungry by now, and asks the 'tender if he can have a few of "thosse thingsh in there" to eat. The 'tender gives him a "weirdo" look, but says "whatever does it for you my friend...they'll only be thrown out tomorow" Now, this guy was used to eating some pretty fucked-up stuff, rats, garbage, half eaten mouldy burgers....So, he goes for it, one after another of these tomatos, which are a little soft, but in some truly excellent sauce. On his fifth tomato, a young hooker comes up, sits next to him, and quickly turns away, muttering something and goes over to the next waiting customer. This happens twice more, and when the fourth hooker sits down, and says "no way!", going with yet another guy, the bum speaks up to the 'tender. (I'm not gonna waste my time typing drunk-talk, but he's wasted by now, having had the whole jug) "I'm sick of this kind of treatment, it's my birthday,I'm sure I was here before that last guy, I paid you in up front, and all youve done is given me these lousy tomatos from your god-damn kitchen, whats the problem?" "Well," says the bartender, "First of all, that's not the kitchen, it's the on-site "clinic", and those are NOT tomatoes, they're abortions" ok, well, thats it from me...looking foward to the hate-posts...:p |
hey
cheebacheeba... ewwww the last one was funny but kind of sick....
k how bout this one.... a man drinking in a bar, has his last shot and decides to go home... but when he gets up , he falls .. so unable to get up he crawls home,, as he had a lot to drink.. he crawls home, crawls to bed and goes to sleep... in the morning his wife asks you went to the bar didnt you... he denies it.. but she says dont lie, cause the bartender called, you left your wheel chair there...... hhahahahhahahah :D |
Second Entry, so stop me if you heard it already...that's kind of a joke in it's own.
Long One: A woman waits for her husband to go to work and instantly calls her husband's best friend. The best friend comes over and the two have the wild sex for hours. At about 6:00, she gets a call from her husband, who is later than normal. "Hello? Oh, hi dear. Uh huh. Okay. Sure, that's alright. Have fun. Bye." conversates the wife. The husband's best friend looks at her and asks "what'd he say?" The wife says "He just wanted to let me know that he was at the bar with you." Quickie #1: "Doctor, please" says the attractive young women, "please, won't you kiss me?" "It's out of the question." says the doctor, "Technically, I shouldn't even be fucking you." Quickie #2: A doctor is having this wild fling with a patient when he is confronted by his boss. "Dr. Smith" says the boss, "I must insist you end this relationship now." "But I love her. Why can't you understand?" weeps the doctor. "Well first of all" says the boss "you're a veterinarian and secondly, Mrs. Richardson wants her cat back." |
I got this one from little bro
Okay so this is a cute one that my brother started when he was younger "at the time he thought he was right"
Alex"my bro" walks up to his mother and says," Mommy Mommy! I know how to spell indian!" Then his mom says *full of pride*"oh really dear? Wow, okay tell me:D" then Alex says "N-D-N-!" That was one of the cutest things I've ever heard! :cool: my brother \/ |
awwwwww
that was so cute... you have a very sweet kid brother wicked lady :)...
ummm lets see...man i am forgetting my jokes... ohh yea... two cannibals who are dad and son are walking and they are hungry .... so in front of them comes a fat guy ... the dad goes lets eat him../the son goes no dad he is gonna be very fat and unhealthy.... so they let him pass.... then a thin guy is coming so the dad goes how bout this one... the son goes no dad he doesnt have any meat on him for us to have.... so they let him pass..... then this amazing big breasted woman is coming ,,,so the son looks at her and says dad she will be perfect for us to eat....the dad looks at her and says yea she will be perfect ... lets take her home and we will eat mom ....ahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha :D hope you liked it ppl.. :) |
I just heard this one and thought it was funny...
Two women go out for a ladies night out..well they are walking home from the bar and pass a cemetary and decide to do their buisness in there.. Neither one with anything for toliet paper the first one decides to use her underware..the second says her underware is too expensive so she grabs a ribbon off of a flower arrangement on a near by tomb stone...... The next morning the first husband calls the second husband and says "These Ladies Night Out have to stop my wife came home with out any underware" the second on says" Mine had her underware but she had a card stuck to her ass that said WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU signed the FireHouse".. I thought it was funny sorry I know its lame...:D |
ok 4 ppl r on a sinking ship (i dont mean to be racist cuz im not) a french guy a jamaican guy an american guy and a mexican guy sinse the ship is sinking they have to lose weight on the boat so the french guy throws a binch of croisants overboard they yelled y did u do that? dont worry we have plenty in my country so then the jamaican guy throws a bunch of wee off y did u do that? dont worry we have plenty of them in my coubtrey then the american guy throws the mexican guy off y did u do that? dont worry we have plenty of them in my country
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my other one
there are 3 carpenters one says look at the store i built the other says look at the skyscraper i built and it has great safety features to so the one who built it jumped off then all of a suden he flew back up another one jumps off and hits the ground and dies the carpenter who built the store said superman ur mean when ur drunk
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This little girl comes home from school one day and sees her dog dead laying on it's back with his legs spread open, the little girl walks up to her dad and asks why his legs are open."His legs are open so god can come in and take him to heaven". "oh" says the little girl,"well momy almost died the other day because I walked into the bedroom and she had her legs spread open and she was yelling"oh jesus I'm cuming" and if it was'int for the mail-man she would have died:D get it:D
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Re: my other one
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hey
ok guys you have too, imagine this one k..
a guy loses one of his arm in a nasty accident,,,, so he realizes that his wife leaves him, he loses his job, so feeling bad,, he decides to commit suicide.. so he goes to the top floor of this building. and is about to jump, when he notices that this guy without both arms, is dancing.. so he feels pissed and goes up to him and says, man i have one arm missing and i am gonna kill myself cause life sucks... and you have both arms missing and you are dancing.. so the guy goes who's dancing , my balls are itching... hahahahhahahahah love this one....:D |
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hey a chick with a nice pussy
hope you guys like it... its a chick with a nice pussy hahahahahaah get it...:D
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Awwwww...... That's such a cute pic. :)
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HAHAH, pretty funny stuff. ALot of those Id never heard before... Heres one:
An old bag lady is riding up the elevator of an expensive hotel. The elevator stops and this beautifull, young, nice smellling woman gets in. The young woman wafts her perfume around, "Oh thats Estee Lauder... $50 an ounce." So they go up a few more floors and this other woman gets in. She starts wafting her perfume, "Oh... its Georgio, $95 an ounce." So the elevator keeps going up, and finally it stops at the bag ladys floor. She starts to get out, bends over a little bit, rips a giant fart and says: "Brocolli 49 cents a pound." :D |
What go you get when you cross Lee Ioccoca with a vampire?
> > > > > > > > > > An Autoexec. bat |
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THIS IS JUST HILARIOUS I LITERALLY STARTED CRYING LAUGHING AFTER I READ THIS. |
Re: got a few...
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Re: Re: got a few...
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WELL I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
HERE'S ONE-I'M JUST TELLING YOU UP FRONT IT'S NOT FUNNY IT'S NOT WITTY AND IT'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE THE LAMEST THING YOU'VE EVER HEARD I CAN'T TELL A JOKE WORTH A DAMN I GOT THIS ONE WHEN ME AND A FEW FRIENDS WERE TELLING FOOTBALL JOKES. WHAT HAS THREE FEET BUT CAN'T WALK.............................................. .............................................. A YARD. |
I heard this Today : I miss my girlfriend her name is jenny STACHATORY, her nickname was jenny LINCON cause everyone in the theater has taken a SHOT at her! i thought it was funny! :D
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