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Blow job etiquette
A Woman's Take on the Subject:
1. First and foremost, we're not obligated to do it. 2. Extension to #1, so, if you DO get one, be grateful. 3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video, it's NOT standard practice to cum on someone's face. 4. Extension to #3, no, I DON'T have to swallow. 5. My ears are NOT handles. 6. Extension to #5, don't push on top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. Besides, you REALLY want puke on your dick? 7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get. It's NEVER ok to fart. 8. Having my period does not mean it's "hummer week". Get it through your head: I'm bloated and I feel like shit, so NO, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you. You just can't have sex right now. 9. Extension to #8, "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls. If you're that desperate, go jerk-off and leave me alone with my Midol. 10. If I have to stop to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've "wrecked" it for you. 11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately after is HIGHLY inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future. 12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment. Review #2 above about gratitude. 13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't give a shit about the protein content. 14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV. 15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It's not appropriate to sympathize OR brag. 16. Just because it's "awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning". A Man's Rebuttal: 1. First of all, yes, you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we'll find someone younger and prettier who will. 2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish. 3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you? 4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful I'm not pulling your hair. 5. When you're on your period, putting something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. 6. Speaking of which, if you're bleeding for five straight days, you need all of the fluids you can get, trust me. 7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you we get the shit end of stick in the "flavor" category. 8. At least there's no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. (Well, unless you bite it really hard.) 9. Play with the balls. 10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better. 11. Caress the ass, too. We LIKE that. 12. Make hay when the sun shines, hon. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep". 13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now do you? |
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Nevermind |
deep throating sounds gross (not the concept of deep throating, the sound made when doing it), so fine, whatever.
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what
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*Walks in to thread.*
*Turns around and exits thread.* |
Re: Blow job etiquette
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very well thought out |
My babie absolutely LOVES to do it....to the point sometimes i cant take it....she is the OPPOSITE of your position on the subject, she deepthroats, swallows and LOVES when i push her head down and pull her hair....HARD.....*shrug*
I cant explain it, as most women are right on with what you have said there.... But she is one in a million i guess....im a lucky man.... EDIT: on and BTW, why would you do something you dont like? I love to go down on her and vice versa....if it becomes a chore and something you hate aren't you defeating the purpose.... I dare say if you have to rant online about your forplay and sexlife....your obviously not doing something right... |
The STE's rules:
1) Don't talk. Just don't talk. No matter what you say it will sound stupid. 2) Got one hand on a hip, one hand on her head? That means you're a dumbass. Go open a vein after you shoot your load. Or preferrably before. 3) Don't slap your penis on her face. It's stupid. 4) Don't slap your penis on her face. It's really stupid. 5) Don't do ass to mouth. It's just gross. 6) Try not to pee. 7) Donkey punch. Always donkey punch. 8) Swallow or don't, just let the guy shoot it in the mouth. It kinda ruins it if you're sucking him off and then he has to beat off into a Mickey Mouse coffee mug (for example). Guys can beat off any time. 9) Snowballing is awesome. 10) Don't slap your penis on her face. If you do, I hope you get stabbed in the foreskin. |
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Goddamn you're lucky |
I know guys....i know....i thought i was lucky BEFORE i found this out about her, now its just like....wow...
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Some like giving oral sex, some don't. Some like it a little, some like it a lot That applies to both sexes.
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OMG FYI
well while were here i spent last night.... neverfuckinmind. that too embarassing. but ill just say its a true 'love hate relationship.' and im going back for more tonight. im a moron. ill take pictures cuz im sure ill be bruised and bloodied after tonight, and i know u guys r into that shit |
Before everyone starts telling stories of epic oral adventures... Please, think of the children. :p
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Im one of those guys that cant give (or get) enough i guess.... |
I can't give or get any...:(
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*notices Arioch and Kpro are now mods
*wonders if STE is Sam The Egg <-- needs to use the internet more often |
I like how tonights main topic is blow jobs
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hey, i may be halfway into a bottle of whiskey, but i love giving blow jobs...and sadly, i dont particularly like when a guy goes down on me... it just doesnt do anything for me...
but seriously, when you can do something really well, whats not to love?? and i cant believe you just used the term 'donkey punch'.... lol... no more drinking and posting for me, g'nite darlings :) |
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But every woman is an ENTIRELY new animal....all of them have their own way they like it and EXACLY that way, and it never works on any other girl.....you break up with that girl you gotta start from SCRATCH!! |
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*redirects post in a hypothetical direction* |
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Im gone for 5 hours and there is a whole thread dedicated to blowjobs......tsk tsk!
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haha shitty breath! ..then give her a big wet kiss with tongues. |
true story related to me by a freind while getting hammered at mardi gras in 2000.
"My freind went out on a date with this woman that we all thought was a complete slut. W ehad NO idea how much. the went out for drinks, and never even made it to dinner before she wanted to go back to his place. Now keep in mind, he was bragging the whole time here. He says they got to his place, and she was immediatley all over him. they had some missionary for a little while, then she nearly begged him to do her in the ass. He obliged. after some time in her butt, she asked him to pull out, and she proceded to give him "great" head. No he didnt take a shower first. She even let him finish in her mouth. At this point, we started getting a little sick, thinking about what was coming next. She wanted to kiss him. "You didnt do it, did you?" I asked. He got real quiet... "Well, yes, i did...." We all laughed and gagged...... Of course, not to be outdone, the cop we roomed with that week related a little tale about how a freinfd of his on the force puked and decided to be a desk-cop when, during a bust, he kicked the door in on a gay man being fisted in the bathroom. That being said, i am in arioch's boat in having a woman who gives mind-blowing "helmet" (sorry, saw spaceballs this weekend) |
The best to be is as simple as 2 words, cum pig.:rolleyes:
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quite often entheusiasm makes up for skill :)
especially when said performer looks up at you for approval .. KA-BOOM ! :) |
Ever see the SNL with Jennifer Love Hewitt? they had a gameshow for producers, and to signal the new round at one point you hear "look me in the eye when you do that... (exclamation of pleasure).. Get out..."
"That was the sound of a prioducer being pleasured by a hooker, and that signals the end of this round!" I almost peed i laughed so hard the first time i heard that.... |
i havent seen
SNL since John Beluchi was on it ! |
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I would be willing to drive at least an hour for a decent BJ.
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You people crack me up....:D
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i like driving for an hour WHILE getting one :)
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LOL!
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monica spewinski :)
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The vision of Monica in relation to anything sexual is bad lol
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