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LOL.. after 20 reads i got it ~~ |
Q How do you know when a Auto Mechanic has just had sex?
A One of his fingers are clean!!!:p |
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" |
Hhmm,........
how do you say sixtynine in chineese? two can chew. :( |
So a man walks into a bar...
and says ouch. :D Yeah... thats the best I can do for now... |
Ghandi was a great man but here is a few details about him. He walked every where he went so he had very bad feet. Also, because he was an ascetic, he ate very little and was frail and weak. Because of his poor diet he was often the victim of very bad breath. I guess you could say he was a . . .
Super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis Yes I know it's a groaner but had to throw it in.:o |
Clear Day
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line." |
Sooo... an irish guy walks out of a bar right?
LOL. get it? I liked it |
Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:
8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40am walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing! 11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary: Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released--and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now.... |
When I was in chapel at my school, one of the new, younger male teachers stated this in a somber tone. The entire audience was so quiet.
I'm not sure you may have heard, but there was a tragic accident on the 101 (a local freeway) A little boy was playing on an overpass with a fishing pole; just dangling it over the edge. Then a Semi sped past. The hook caught, and the boy's arms were ripped off. (Gasp i the audience, a couple confused looks, and a couple snickers) They found and arrested the driver. He was charged with armed robbery. I thought it was gay, but alot of people were laughing, and even more were pissed. |
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BOO.....HISS |
lol
that was awesome Newbie! that nun and father joke. lol
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An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences. The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pyjamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pyjamas." But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pyjamas?" "Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing." |
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That's what I thought... Just posting it for the lesser minded people... :p |
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Thank you for the mental image of an old man's penis... I think I'm going to puke now. |
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No... I just prefer mine younger... I can take the mental image of a younger man's penis. I just don't dig old guys... Sorry. :p |
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Well I don't have to worry about that for a long while. Unless I'm raped by some old guy... if he can get it up. :D Psssst!!! - So will you ;) |
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Wow... whatever you do, don't shower. ;) |
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thats funny,
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I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble, or I can rent it out, when I don't need it. But now and then I go to a party, get drunk, and the next morning I can't for the life of me remember what I did with it. First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it. So I called up the place where the party was, they hadn't seen it either. I asked them to check the medicine cabinet 'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes But not this time. So I told them if it pops up to let me know. I called a few people who were at the party, but they were no help either. I was starting to get desperate. I really don't like being without my penis for too long. It makes me feel like less of a man, and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak. After a few hours of searching the house, and calling everyone I could think of, I was starting to get very depressed, so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast. Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place, where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street, I saw my penis lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven. Some guy was selling it. I had to buy it off him. He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen. I took it home, washed it off, and put it back on. I was happy again. Complete. People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached, but I don't know. Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass, I like having a detachable penis. |
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yeah that is pretty funny
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What do you call a women with two black eyes?
nothing you already told her twice |
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no drama thread..part 2
An elderly couple was attending a church service. About halfway through the wife leans over and says, ” I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do?” The husband replies, ” Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”
Men are like... 1. Men are like ...Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you. 2. Men are like .Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like .....Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8. Men are like .....Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like ..Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like ..Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like ......Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like ....Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. Dinner out.. Friends of ours invited the wife and I out to dinner. Although it turned out to be a topless restaurant, my wife was a pretty good sport and pretended to enjoy the evening. On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force wouldn't keep the windshield from icing over on her side of the car. "Awwwww come on." I said. "It wasn't that bad." "Your ordering didn't help matters." she said fuming. "What ?" I replied. "I only ordered a dozen oysters." "ONE AT A TIME ?!?!?!" she yelled. |
LOL..
i like this one..'giggles' This has happened to all of us women... read on. My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat. Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd have to go home to change my clothes. That was a long time ago. Even now, in my more "mature years, "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one's bladder is full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely. You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one - but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck. (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!). You yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance" Ahhhh, relief. But then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off of your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat. You bolt up quickly, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get," By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how too operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged at this point, no longer able to smile politely. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River! (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this." As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door. |
shortest fairy tale ever:
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?" The guy said, "No." And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted. the end.. http://funnigurl.com/bbs/bbs.cgi?act=i&b=sexes crack up site for those who can't sleep' :o and who have polished off every unbolted down pack of biscuit.. |
WOMEN DRIVERS
NO SURVIVORS If you don't like the way women drive get off the sidewalk! |
http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h2...nous/zzz20.gif
http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h2...ned-subaru.jpg Okay...ever wonder what happend to the ginger kid from terminator 2???? ANSWER BELOW: After john gets away on his bike the t-1000 goes back to the arcade and BITCH slaps his ASS for being ginger, coz even future robots think they're freaks. |
What does the average NC student get on his SAT? Drool
What do you get when you put the NC State football team in 1 room? A full set of teeth. How do you get an NC State graduate off your porch? Pay him for the pizza. What is the longest three years of a NC State football players life? His freshman year. How many NC State freshman football players does it take to change a lightbulb? None, thats a sophmore course. Why couldnt Helen Keller drive? Because she was a woman. What has 600 eyes, 25 teeth, and 8 dads? The front row at a Garth Brooks concert. |
Nasal spray and throaties
Gather round friends..i have something to say
About how some black men got led astray.. So uneducated and silly were some.. In short you could say..they were practically dumb. Now there was one guy who was filled with great pride cos he had a crush on old Hannah McBride.. But she was a white girl and there love was doomed.. but he had to have her..and have her real soon. Her long hair was driving him out of his wits.. her small waist..her small ass..her chest with no tits and so hatched a plan ..in her window he'll go and quietly fuck her..so no one would know.. But..i needs me something' so no babies come and off to the chemist..this poor dumbass runs. Please give me throaties cos my cuzzin said.. that this thing here's good for killin germs dead.. and nasal spray too ..i don't know where it goes.. so will put up her ass and not up her nose. He knew he was right cos he saw the word 'crook' and looked up the word in the diction'ry book.. so finally ready he runs to her side gives her these meds..cos he must do it right.. They kissed and they cuddled..well nuff heres been said then finally start screwing ..ontop of the bed. They say 9 months later as this tale was told a baby was born with the shittiest cold..!!!! [giggles] |
Little Zachary was doing very bad in math. His parents had tried everything. Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard a before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What as it?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." womp womp womp |
A farm equipment sales rep goes to a farm one day, trying to sell a new tractor on the market.
As he is walking up the drive, he sees a 3-legged pig on the grass verge. He knocks on the door of the farm and when the farmer answers, he comments on the pig and asks why it only has 3 legs. The farmer replies: "Well, one day my 5 year old son was playing down by the river and fell in. From nowhere comes the pig, jumps in the river, pulls my son out, gives him mouth to mouth resuscitation and basically saves his life" Sales rep says: "That's amazing, but it still doesnt explain why the pig only has 3 legs" Farmer replies: "Well, my wife was busy cooking in the kitchen one day and the chip pan caught fire and covered her in boiling hot fat. From nowhere comes the pig, rushes over to the pan, throws a wet towel over to douse the flames, then proceeds to pour bucket loads of water on the wife, calls an ambulance and bascially saves her life". Sales rep says: "That is fantastic, but, not wishing to offend, it still doesnt explain why the pig only has 3 legs". Farmer replies: "Well, I was out working in the field one day and my tractor rolled over and crushed my leg. From nowhere comes the pig, pulls the tractor off of me, bandages my compound fracture, calls an ambulance and basically saves my life". Sales rep says: "That is one incredible animal you have there, you must think him a guardian angel. But, pray, these stories are fantastic but it still doesnt explain why the pig only has 3 legs". . . . . . . . . . . . "Well", replies the farmer, "with a pig like that, you cant eat him all at once"!!! :D |
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